Young adults, rent, chores

Bill them!
Dirty dishes? £5. Bins overflowing? £2. Dryer on when not needed? £5. Bathroom light left on? £1. Etc
And bill them as a unit, ie you don’t care who was at fault, they can pay you and sort it out between them.
Obviously let them know in advance but then do it with no exceptions - hopefully this might change their behaviour.

Also are they in a long term relationship or are they together because it’s too hard to move on -you making it so cheap and easy for them.

Time to Stand up for yourself and your 14 year old.

Sending some NYC vibes.

Regardless, you need to get tough as it's affecting you financially and mentally not to mention the affect that it's having on your younger daughter. It's not your job to find them somewhere to live or jobs they're old enough to do that for themselves.

Many MNers were married with a mortgage at 22 & some with children.

You need to be prepared to evict them I'm sure that they will discover that they have people who they can stay with if it comes to that. They're not telling you so that you feel guilty & honour-bound to look after them.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being a bitch, but I've done it & it paid dividends. DS split from GF after I chucked them out & is now partnered with a 2 bed flat & baby on it's way.

I'm still in touch with the XGF who has a 2 year old daughter, is going to get married in August & I've been invited to the evening 'do'.

They both say that, although they hated me at the time & thought I was being unreasonable, that, on reflection, they were the unreasonable ones & that I did the right thing.

well if she’s not going to find a full time job or pull her weight, then back to Ireland she goes!

they can live together when they both work full time and find a house to rent.

I would read @Lentilweaver's comment to them! Particularly -

I do feel the obsessive focus on young people's various anxieties ignores the fact that hard-working parents also have anxiety in this climate. Particularly single mums. If I told DH I had social anxiety and refused to go to work, he would not be happy and would pack me off to the GP. Why is it ok for some?

Agree with working out the cost of all bills and adjusting their rent accordingly. Even if they only paid half of their share it will probably be more. Time to toughen up as they have got used to this very cushty and frankly lazy lifestyle. My so. Was the same when he left school but ended up with 3 pub jobs that he used to save money for travelling (where he is now living the dream!) and to pay his rent. Presumably you don’t still pay for phone, gym or other leisure activities? If you do this needs to stop. I would also:

Warn there will be an increase of rent from 1st June based on calculations (& show them what rent on a one bedroom without bills will cost!)
both get 2nd pt job or find full time work
anyone not working full time takes responsibility for certain chores (meal cooking for example include doing the shopping to demonstrate quite how much they cost plus prep & planning to help them grow up a bit )
Basic chores list for the whole house
non compliance and they need to move put out by end of July.

I do feel the obsessive focus on young people's various anxieties ignores the fact that hard-working parents also have anxiety in this climate. Particularly single mums. If I told DH I had social anxiety and refused to go to work, he would not be happy and would pack me off to the GP. Why is it ok for some?

I too have young adults living at home because of London rents. It's hard on everyone. Therefore we all have to make rules, rather than just put ourselves last. These rules can be different- for instance, I charge no rent because it's a cultural no-no for me and I can afford not to- but I expect them to do their own cooking/washing/ cleaning, be polite, and work as hard as they can. One is in full time work, one is studying. This works for me, but both are already making plans to move out as I don't allow partners!

Good luck, but stand firm. It's time they both left home - help them become fully fledged adults by making them leave your nest.

Be strong. Take no prisoners. They're living in TikTok fantasy land and you're paying the price.

They've been there almost 2 years? I missed that.

You've got a failure to launch and he's brought another along to the Hotel Mom where they don't have to do shit.

He's angry over being bullied some years back? What does he think he and his GF are doing to you leaving your place trashed after you come home from work that supports their useless asses? They're bullying you expecting you to step and fetch like you're their servant while supporting them.

Their consequences from me would be a notice to vacate and they and their shit would be out in 30 days.

You could stop supporting them. They get nothing but a roof. No food. No wifi for the TikTok. They can take their shit to the Laundromat. No transportation. The Bank of mom is closed.

But they won't do this when they absolutely know that he being her son allows them to behave in this way.

They know exactly how to play the game and know that finally, whatever they do or won't do, this "he is her son" card trumps all.

No abuse - should read ‘apart from’!

Why would they have to live on the streets if they're both working?!?! 😂

We charged DS 23 £200 a VP month and abuse from the occasional reminder about plates and glasses, he was great. I would have hit the roof if he’d tumble dried in weather like this!

It’s time to get tough. I’d make this a lot more formal. Do you have a printer? if so, type and print an agreement on what needs to be done and list recent incidents where they have disrespected the arrangements.

Tell them they have one month - May- to turn this around, or the locks will be changed and they will be out. Hand it to them, tell them it is not up for discussion, they are taking the piss and it ends now.

OMG with your last update, the GF sounds an absolute PITA and a complete drama queen. You are just way too nice with your not wanting to invalidate both their behaviour.
They are using their various illnesses to manipulate you.
I bet your own MH isn't any too good either, but of course you have to keep soldiering on because god forbid a middle aged mum have any MH issues. They seem to be the preserve of the young.

Ugh, I'm generally not a fan of charging (adult) children rent but if they were taking the piss like these 2 I'd be increasing it.

I'd frame it as "since you are creating so much mess and work I'm going to have to hire a cleaner, it's going to cost £xxx a month and I'll be billing you for it, or you can feel free to pull your weight" then I'd give them 4 weeks to get it together. If they don't I'd do exactly that. I'd also be expecting them to be working full time!

Um, stating the obvious but, that they have to move out???

Well, that's fair enough. Your pay off is that you feel you are keeping him safe.

So. if he and his girlfriend continue to act like this and take no notice of you, you will have to remind yourself that you do have a pay off.

Sometimes it is easier to accept if you work out what your pay off is-why you continue to do something.

Personally, this pay off would not be enough for me and I would be following up my threats with consequences but we all different.

The consequences are: pay a reasonable amount for living in your home or find somewhere else to live. They are adults & taking you for a mug &, (sorry to be blunt) you are allowing them to do this.

PS I would make them buy their own toiletries or buy the cheapest shampoo & shower gel that you can find for them to use & keep the decent stuff carefully hidden in your room for yourself. I'd also buy the cheapest loo roll for them - shame Izal not available anymore. For those who didn't experience 1970's school toilets - that was like greaseproof paper. 😂

Your DS is an adult. If he won't go to therapy, it's not your fault and you haven't let him down. You didn't bully him.

At the very least, the GF has to move out. Totally not your responsibility to be housing her.