To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

You're a relative your step dad isn't. He should help his wife, but I can see that might be difficult if the GD doesn't like an unrelated man giving very personal care. You should help, don't you have feelings for your poor GD in his final days, or compassion for your DM having to deal with it all by herself.

You have already helped twice this week , I think her husband should help more ,I have done this for my dying mother but I wouldn't want my 20 year old son helping me as my mother would not like it.
The district nurse / GP surgery can perhaps advise your mum on what help is available.
I know how much hard work it is and you have already been helping but if you are unable to continue you have every right to say so.

Anyone posting 'it only takes minutes' is showing their ignorance of what caring for an elderly incontinent person is like.

Also op just to clarify are you saying you can only provide ongoing care and help twice a week or that you cannot help at all - this isn't clear from your posts. I initially read it as the latter and thought it was a bit harsh but if you're dedicating twice a week ongoing to help while there are others who are doing nothing then I think it's fair to be annoyed and put it on them. The key here is making sure your mum isn't left holding everything with noone.

Ask some of the people, usually daughters, who've been caring for a 'dying' elderly parent for two years, five years, ten years even, about that. It happens. It's not the tense overnight deathbed scene with tears as the sun rises that Hollywood suggests. It can grind on and on.

Grow up. It’s annoying that your step dad is being unhelpful but how awful for your poor mum that you’re not willing to support her long term

You're getting a lot of very direct replies here op but honestly I think you probably need to provide a bit more context to this if you want people to judge fairly.

I guess I'm wondering things like if there is a backstory between you and your grandad that means you don't feel comfortable providing him care or if there is a backstory between you and your mum?

If your resistance is due to other people not stepping up in which case could you address it with them directly?

If you are physically able to help or if there is a practical reason as to why you can't?

If you live close by enough to be able to help?

If you are refusing all help or if you provide care in other aspects?

I think if you are fit and able then I would set things aside in order to help your mum. It's not so much you looking after your grandfather as it is you looking after your mum who is in the process of losing her parent. If you have kids, this is a way to teach them accountability, care and empathy as well as the importance of treating elderly people with respect and upholding dignity of others. You resent your step dad for not helping but presumably he's of a similar age to your mum - they are both older and less able.

If you are physically unable then I think you need to think of how you can challenge your mother's siblings or husband to step up.

OP only mentioned bedding - we do not know about intimate care.

Yes, I’d say going to her grandfather’s twice in one week to help care for him is a lot actually.

Why no criticism of the step-father who has been lying on his arse in the sunny garden and done fuck all to help?

My dad didn't get a choice.

@Wonderingwhyyy I was talking about the intimate care. Of course she can try and get her DH to help with the rest, but that doesn’t seem to have worked so far.

Quoted wrong post.

It depends how the far the OP is, whether she works, has young children, whether she is married or single.

It depends on so many factors so it might not be a lot to you but OP could be at breaking point.

Her op says she changed a bed twice this week. It's not too much really is it to help a relative. Maybe it is in your books.

Totally agree. There is no way we would want our adult children or grandchildren doing this for us. Carers should be brought in.
Depending on how unwell the grandfather is, it might involve some issues with lifting him or rolling him over. This is best dealt with professionals and hoists.
This is not a situation that can carry on.

@Iceandfire92 excellent post. Lots of us dealing with very stubborn elderly parents who absolutely refuse external help and eventually the family have zero option but to step up. Horrible situation. Lots of stories over on Elderly Parents thread. All this nonsense about it being a privilege to care for a doubly incontinent person when their are professionals to assist so family can have quality time really annoys me.

I sympathise with your position and think other posters have been rather harsh. I wouldn’t want to do it either. However, your mum clearly needs some help . Can you contact health/social services and see if she can get some?

I didn't dispute that

I personally think most people would prefer it if unrelated professionals oversaw dealing with bodily fluids and soiled pads if they became elderly and doubly incontinent. It is far more dignified for most people to have carers take care of these things, their family doesn't have to see them in that state and they are free to spend quality time with them. I see no reason why the OP's grandad is being solely cared for by his daughter, was a plan of care not put in place? Unless of course carers have been refused?

It’s not a question of “keeping women of carers or cutting men slack” l said in my post I could understand her being angry with her stepfather sitting on his lazy arse.
She wants to know if I think she is being unreasonable not giving her mum some help when she is obviously at one of the lowest points in her life and I think she is.
Not everything is about comparing wether men get it easier than women and scoring points it’s about doing what you think is right whatever sex you are I also think it would be better for her, her mum and her dying grandfather to see if any there is some professional help they could obtain.
At the end of the day you either support someone who needs it or you don’t and the fact that she has posed the question on here says to me that she may think she is being unreasonable.

Women in the UK put in thousands more hours looking after elderly relatives than men do

www.healthmatters.org.uk/BLOG/rndblog/blog1-a.php?pid=674

OP isn't squirming out of helping -she's already done it twice this week and she only posted this morning

The Mum can get help from her sunbathing husband. He can easily put a wash on and help with other non intimate care tasks.

He can help his wife!

Do you think that the op hasn’t helped at all? How sad that you can’t acknowledge that she’s been helping. That’s women kicking other women down and helping men stay away from getting involved.

The OP's mum seems to think this is women's work too. She is asking OP for the third time this week and not her sunbathing husband. He is clearly making the wrong decision not to help.