To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I couldn’t give a flying fig if you think it’s ’disgustingly Judemental’. You’re welcome to your opinion just as I am to mine. My opinion is the Op is being a brat for not helping her mum when she’s asking for her support, just because her step dad isn’t. And that all the info we have to go off.

Yeah, I know. But you cannot leave your mum and grandad on their own in this case. It is not a matter of fighting for all women, but your own family. Exactly the same would apply to a male. OP did not mention if she has cousins, brothers or sisters living nearby, either.
This man, if he is capable, needs to get off his sunbed and give a hand. He most likely will not. Hopefully he can be put to other use, like shopping, cooking or similar.

The mum thinks it is women's work so while the husband sunbathes she gets another woman to help.

Why are you not giving this advice to the stepdad?

This is exactly how women guilt other women in a way they never would to men.

Other idiots usually ignore and then women are guilted into caring. This is why the burden keeps falling on women because even other women are burdening them while the men are scot free.

Yes, it’s a gross job and no-one is going to deny that. Just get yourself some disposable gloves and aprons if you’re worried about hygiene. You could even get masks. Please help out your mum, she’ll be so grateful.

How is she being a brat? How disgustingly judgemental. You don't know her personal circumstances. She has been helping,

Just because you cared for your dying mum doesn't mean everyone has to.

Perfectly put

Completely agree Blue. It's been an eye opening experience for me (elderly care) and I would categorically never put my children through that.

What a horrible situation.

Perhaps you could do some of the sorting out to get carers in? That way you all get to be out of the situation. I expect your mother can’t see the woods for the trees so being practical in finding solutions would probably be appreciated.

Perhaps her husband has made it clear he won’t help so she knows nor to ask. Sounds like you feel the same - which is both your rights. I imagine your mother doesn’t feel she has a choice - help her by showing her the options.

You are 100% right about your step dad or any other iddle and capable family member not helping.
But... YABU not to help your mother and grandad. If you can, you should. You did not say why, like you wete at work, or shopping, or at the doctor's... so it sounds like you said no because you (rightly) think other family members can hwlp too.
The problem is tgat your mother is left alone to do the job. And your grandad is in discomfort for longer. So I would be there whenever possible. While keep banging on the other idiots need to help too.

I'm assuming that OP's mum has taken her dad into her home to do the caring and that OP doesn't live with them so needs to travel to help her mum. OP has helped her mum change the bed twice this week, but it is only Wednesday and I also assume that her mum's husband is sunbathing in the garden in the beautiful weather while his wife struggles.

why aren't carers doing this?

Yea she can if she wants to, or her daughter can stop being a brat and help her! I cared for my mother when she was dying, both of us didn’t want to use carers. Maybe grandad, and mum, has made that choice for himself as well. Lazy stepdad is an entirely different issue. I wouldn’t let a loved one of mine struggle just because someone else is a lazy selfish shit.

How dare you. You don’t get to shame someone you don’t know because they don’t want to change shit covered sheets. The shame is on you here! You don’t know anything about them.

If the family members are not belong being vocal doesn't do anything.

They will just keep ignoring,

The answer is not for the DM who has taken on the care to then keep asking her dd to help and both of them are burdened with the care like so many women in the UK. Men just opt out a lot of the time.

The DM thinks it is women's work too hence asking her daughter rather than her sunbathing husband. He could do a lot to help that is not intimate care.

Your post is exactly the kind of guilt trip that is put on women and not men.

I would do this for my grandad and for my mum, because they are in a time of crisis and I wouldn't allow this all to fall on my mum. I wouldn't allow my frustrations with lazy, uncaring family members to get in the way of me doing the right thing.

However, I would be VOCAL in my criticisms of my stepdad and other family members and would call out their lack of care and support at every possible opportunity.

As for your stepdad, he's possibly an arsehole, but he's not a relative, and your grandad may not want him helping. Look into carers if you can't do it.

The poor mum can ask her sunbathing husband to help or contact social services. It is not about putting the burden on yet another woman while the men get off scot free.

To the ‘you should be getting stuck in there’ peanut gallery. Ever had to retract your DF’s foreskin to clean out the diarrhoea? No? Then maybe pipe down.

Various care services that were involved in my parent's final months repeatedly said to me that is not your job when they came to his house and found I'd changed and washed bedding, incontinence wear etc. I don't think many unwell people would choose family to provide this care at this stage you really need to involve carers

Yes, honestly YABU.

Everyone needs to step up, including you, and your stepdad. Make sure that your grandad is using incontinence pads, mattress protectors etc to minimise the work needed. Does he have carers coming in too?

Someone will be doing it, not very likely a double incontient elderly person is cleaning themselves. OP that’s another thing- district nursing/carers will do skin checks to make sure he’s not getting sores from the urine/faeces.