To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I am willing to bet that whether or not you do it, your stepdad won't help. Just because he's a selfish, horrible prick is no reason not to help your mother. Have some compassion, and also (if they haven't already) contact your local District Nursing team to see what help is available.

@Wonderingwhyyy thanks for your input

I'm not Scottish but want to reply with 'would ye, aye?' to all these posts from people adamant they'd have done the thing they didn't have to do.

@NimbleBee it depends on your relationship with your grandfather. I love my mum hugely but hated my grandfather even more. I walked away and left DM to manage him because she wouldn’t involve carers and I couldn’t take his abuse any more. I would do anything for DM but I couldn’t let my grandfather destroy me and I couldn’t watch the way DM let him treat her. Would I change incontinence soiled sheets for DM if it was her? With love.

Oh the old ‘share the load’ comment. I had this off a relative. They had zero understanding or idea of what I have done for my parents and grandparents over the past 60 years. But they - she - felt it acceptable to tell me to - ‘share the load’. She had free childcare from her parents, my parents as well because she ‘didn’t want her kids in nursery’….read ‘my partner and I are too tight to pay and grandparents can do it for free’. I spent years listening to my own parents moaning about how inconvenient it was looking after said grandchildren. So glad I paid for nursery. No guilt for me now - yeah SIL - they shared the load for free so you could have a career and not pay for childcare. I didn’t. So perhaps ‘share the load’ has been a karma.

Loving all the resentful bitter commenters here attacking the (female) person who’s done it.

It’s not something I would be prepared to do either

Yeah i wonder what happened to 50/50 oh sorry that only counts when its paying on a date. Men very happy for things to be 50/50 then.

She’s said - there are other, nearer, people to share the load. She needs eff all reason to say no.

This.

It’s about personal responsibility, not using the “ men should be doing it” argument as a fig leaf. Yes men should be doing more in general , but refusing to help you mum change bedsheets for her dying father is just selfish .

While the stepdad will have absolutely no interest in the inheritance im sure 🙄

Yes that's your choice.

The majority of carers burdened with care are women.

Yes she should ask her sunbathing husband to ask instead of thinking it is just women's work.

It is not as simple as this. There are many family members not helping but the vitriol is aimed at OP.

Your poor mum. 😔

Poor grandad. I wish mine was still here. I’d have done that for him without question. If your own family can’t help you then who can. Most of us will be elderly one day.

Perhaps read the OP’s post before you write your nasty post. How horrid.

Has your DM claimed this for your elderly relative ?

It is not means tested

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

YANBU.
My dad is my best friend, i'd do any personal care he needs for the rest of his life if we ever hit that stage. I would have done the same for my mum too had she not had dad (she passed at 48).
But i would not do these things for a grandparent. I only have my paternal grandad left, who is needing care, but i've had virtually no relationship with him my whole life. He has not treated my dad well either, they're hardly ever in contact. He has 4 other children he has cared about to help the carers care for him if need be.
It comes down to the relationship you have with people if you're willing to do such intimate and difficult tasks, there has to be mutual respect, love and care.

Yea….i’d help my mum. I couldn’t imagine not helping my mum.

Regardless of who was or wasn’t relaxing in the sun 🙄

Your step father has no right to complain at you. He needs to keep his opinions to himself and help his wife if he thinks she needs it. There are plenty of 70 year olds that are still capable of working so maybe the Mum is fine.

I’m assuming there’s a backstory here and all the people saying they would help more are probably lucky enough to come from a close family. Not everyone does though and there could be perfectly valid reasons for OP not wanting to help more.

It is not just about fighting for all women.

It is about helping the women here not end up struggling with their own mental health as a result of caring which is very common.

The same doesn't end up applying to men - the majority of carers are women mostly because they are told things like what you said - you can't leave the mum and grandad on their own.

Men continue to get off scot free.

I don’t disagree with your sentiment, but there are time considerations that have to be factored in. Soiled sheets can’t wait whilst a family works through their inherent misogynistic role allocation, the dying GF can’t put his status on hold while the family bickers over who should do what, not ignoring the fact that the GF may have requested himself that only family does his personal care and they don’t have to cater to that if they don’t want to or are unable.

it may well annoy you, it does me too, but ultimately these things have to be done and if the (70yr old) mother makes herself ill there’s going to be double the workload/responsibility heading everyone’s way at a huge cost to the dying man and his daughter.