To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Why is it shame on the OP? The stepdad is busy sunbathing. The OP has already helped twice this week.

There are many other family members. None of the men are helping.

It is these kind of stupid expectations that means women are providing thousands of hours of more care than men with devastating consequences for them.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/care-in-crisis/breaking-point-report/

Especially with comments such as shame on you and how unkind directed at women but not at men.

1. @NimbleBee said her Grandad is in his "last months" so this isn't a "long term" situafion.

2. I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.

1. Finding a place in a care home is an incredibly long and daunting task. There are not enough places for all of the people who need them.
2. Care homes are EXPENSIVE. Well in excess of £1,000 a WEEK.
3. Supporting loved ones (in this case both Grandad and Mum) should absolutely not be conditional (provide support as long as Mum is actively looking for a care home?!)
4. All people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, by some they trust and are comfortable with. Her grandfather may very well feel uncomfortable with her step-rather helping with such an intimate, (possibly) embarrassing task.
5. . Shame on the OP for not supporting both her mother and her grandfather. She will be old one day, and karma is one hell of a bitch.

The principle is the same - sometimes you need to step back and the services involved. The answer is not for the women to be kind and drive themselves into the ground while the men sunbathe and get on with their lives.

The stepdad will regret it too!

Go and help her , you will regret it when she is gone!

All of this, OP. I do totally understand how you feel, having been in the same position myself a few years ago. It's so bloody difficult 😔

This. Most of the posters who think that the OP should just get on with helping, have absolutely no idea what is involved. They are maybe labouring under the impression that it is like changing a baby's nappy; it is entirely different, even dangerous, to clean up an infirm, uncooperative adult.

It is funny for me how many people on here claim that they would 'do it in a heartbeat, even for a stranger'.....ime you can't see most people for dust when my DC needs care.

There are so many ways of supporting a loved one that don't involve cleaning up shit. I don't think the OP's DM should be doing it either; and no neither should her SF.

And for those who think it is the wrong time for the OP to set her boundaries: what the hell other time do you suggest she should do it?

I would argue that helping out a neighbour and helping out your own mum and grandad at such a difficult time are two very different situations. I too would have stepped back in your situation. You absolutely did the right thing. Not with mum and grandad though.

We don't know her full situation.

Yes I had to be like that. I was helping an elderly neighbour. He had a son with a BIG IMPORTANT JOB. The son got away scot free because I was helping. It was only when I stepped back then the son helped and organised carers. If I had carried on helping, it would have been kind to the neighbour but the strain was too much for me as I already had an unwell family member in and out of hospital.

The answer is not always to be kind.

He is indeed unkind.

She hasn't said she's got other stuff going on though, or that she's at breaking point. Just that she's done it twice and now she's said no because others could help but won't.

Could you be like that? I'd be pissed off with the lazy gits who could help but don't too, and I'd probably tell them so. But I couldn't be one of them.

Maybe she has stuff going on in her own life? Maybe she is at breaking point? It is not just about calling people unkind.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

The stepdad isn't thinking about the poor elderly man's dignity. He is busy sunbathing! How unkind.

I think caring for a person at home with this level of need is unsustainable.
I would help your mother provided she was actively looking for a care home. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement long term either OP

I was an only child, so my parents’ care was entirely up to me - though I also used carers for Mum. I did all the night care.

When my husband needed care, his adult children wouldn’t even help out with hospital visits - they’d ‘see him when he gets home’.

How often are men told they're being unkind? When they ask if they're being unkind.

Maybe, just maybe think of the poor elderly, dying man's dignity. He may not want all and sundry knowing he's wet the bed, let alone changing it. Maybe the man doesn't feel comfortable changing a soiled bed because they're not related. And before you come back at me with 'Maybe the op isn't comfortable doing it either', she's already said she's done it twice so she's said no because others aren't helping. All the more reason to help! Doesn't she feel sorry for her mum at all????

Were you in a situation where other family refused leaving it to you and one other?

This is the stick that is used to beat women with to keep them providing thousands more hours of care than men every year.

I dare say that Bikergran has done her bit.

Same.

I had to contact social work because a carer refused to help my dad bundle up Mum’s sheets and put them in the washing machine. Said carer was there to do Mum’s personal care.

Dad was an octogenarian with his own health challenges.

I found out when I checked in on them after work.

I also had a SW advising me just to throw out soiled sheets because they ‘can be purchased really cheaply in Asda’s’.

Pop round and help the grandad then.

She has helped.

The stepdad is being unkind by bathing in the sunshine while all the care get dumped on women.

How often are men told they are unkind?

The op has helped twice this week and can’t help any more and you say that this is unkind. There’s male family that have refused but you don’t say this is unkind. Always the woman who is complained at.

Your mum is grieving as she watches her dad die. Others aren't helping her. She's asked you and you won't. Why not? Your poor mum and your poor grandad. He can't help what's happening to him. He probably doesn't want all and sundry having to change his bed after an accident, he could well be feeling embarrassed and you are making a song and dance.

I hope this thread has helped you to realise that you are being unkind.

Yep. I am reminded of my family members who took chief mourner roles having moved hundreds of miles away and not ever helped

if you’ve not been in this position then you don’t know how you’d react and where your boundaries would be

I have done it, and I'd do it again if needed.