To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I think you're misunderstanding the point of my replies. It should NOT be falling on women. But in this particular situation it has fallen on one woman. And that woman could be helped by another woman.

Based on the limited information given, I would say that the OP's comments of "Grandad has other family who could help but do not," and "Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping," suggest that yes, she is refusing to help because it's "unfair".

This is why it keeps falling back to women. They end up being guilt tripped, shamed, told they shouldn't make a fuss, to be kind, to take the load while men get off scot free?

Along with all the comments of I would do it if it was my mum........

Again, I agree with you. 100%. I have assumed that OP can help because they haven't said otherwise. All they have said is that their stepfather has been sunbathing, therefore they feel like it's not fair for them to help, so they won't. How can anyone sit by and watch their mother struggle like that, regardless of whether she should or shouldn't be doing it. She IS doing it, so if you can help, then help.
And Mum should be asking her husband to help, yes. But she's literally watching her father die. Probably isn't in the right frame of mind to tackle that (obviously important!) issue. She is in crisis and she needs help and her loved ones are squabbling whilst she takes the physical, mental and emotional load.

Absolutely. As a nation we do NOT support our elderly!

I doubt OP is not helping because it is unfair.

This is the pressure that keeps being put on women but not men.

YABU and so is your step dad, you should both help your mum.

It is morally wrong for the stepdad to sunbathe.

We don't know if the OP can provide more help. Maybe she works or is a single parent. She might live miles away.

The mum is a woman - as a woman she is getting another woman to help rather than her sunbathing husband or contacting the services.

All the family should be helping out. Although it would be pretty heartless to not be there for your grandad towards the end of his life and leave your mother struggling with care alone whilst watching her father approach the end of life, all based on a feeling of it being unfair.

@JayJayEl thank you for replying to me. To me the short answer is money, but people don’t want the necessary tax/NI increase.

I absolutely, 100% agree with you. It's disgraceful. But in this particular situation the OP's Mum IS being g run in to the ground. And if the OP is able to provide more support for her mother and grandfather then, I believe, it's morally wrong to refuse. If they aren't able to nepotism they obviously can't, but refusing to help because step-dad is sunbathing is ridiculous. The only people suffering are granddad and mum. The posterssticking up for the OP because she is a woman seem to be ignorant to the fact mum is also a woman. And whilst the care absolutely should not just be left to her, if OP is able to help their own mum out then why on earth wouldn't they?!

I don't know the answer to that, other than there needs to be systemic changes in the UK.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In an ideal world people would be able to retire earlier, on a good pension, and be able to either care for their loved one at home, of be able to afford care in the community or a care home. Or the person needing the care should be able to pay for it.

The care of our elderly this country is ridiculous and often unattainable. And yes, usually falls to women. You wouldn't believe how many daughter-in-laws do EVERYTHING for their in-laws, when the sons often can't even be bothered to visit! (Okay, you probably can believe it!)

But my response was in relation to this one particular situation. And as sad as it is, the truth is this man will probably die before finding a care home or in-house carers. There needs to be massive systemic changes when it comes to care in the UK, yes. But that isn't what this thread is about. So I find the 'men should be doing more/I won't do it because the man won't/just put him in a care home' remarks flippant. My post was trying to highlight how difficult the topic of care is.

The answer is not for the women to keep caring themselves and driving themselves into the ground while the men run off scot free.

Why should the OP be ashamed of herself? She has already helped twice this week. Why lump her in the same category as her lazy sunbathing stepdad?

Nobody is saying that should be the answer. It needs to be looked at many levels with all family members involved and the services.

The answer is not the women keep doing it so the grandad doesn't suffer while the men get off scot free.

You said ppl wanted to be able die in their own homes So how do you think it would be facilitated then

Huh? I'm not sure what any of that has to do with my comment?? It's absolutely disgusting expensive care homes are, and it's a crime that they are. But...huh?

I agree that it might be wise to get the services involved, to ease some pressure. I couldn't leave it all to my mum 'because others aren't helping either' though. That doesn't sit well.

Agreed that the man shouldn't have been sunbathing- and I'd have told him so too!

I just can't help feeling sad for her mum - I've been there, I've lost both of my parents, and watching them in their final weeks is beyond devastating.

I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.

Did they have the mental clarity to fully understand the implications for the family they expected to be providing the care to facilitate this wish? That’s a genuine question, no snarky tone attached.

Lots of guilt tripping on this thread, very different feel to similar threads in the Elderly Parents board where we’re all actually living this reality. Hats off to the handful on here who did the care. However, as in real life, very many opinionated watchers.

Shame on the step rather too, obviously. But I would say that during a time when your own mother is watching her father die it is absolutely not the moment to make a stand about what men do or don't do.

Your poor mum.

Both you and your stepdad are unreasonable and should be ashamed of yourselves.

In answer to number two...................people need to make their fucking minds up about who/how we care for our elderly. The upping of the state pension age was cheered on on here. People cant be in two places at once
Two wages are needed to even rent now let alone buy.
Times have changed Family members of the elderly have to work JUST LIKE YOU DO

The answer also isn't saying "he won't help so neither will I". At the end of the day the on!y people suffering are Mum and Grandad.

The OP hasn’t actually said if they are male or female at all in the OP. My opinion is the same whether they are son or daughter.