To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

The mum has taken this on. She can ask social services to step in. Not just dump it on her daughter while her husband sunbathes.

This is what happens to women time and time again.

This is what keeps women positioned in providing thousands of hours of care per year as opposed to men.

You grow up and stop making judgments. She has already helped twice this week.

You should be ashamed of yourself making judgments about her. She has already helped twice this week while the stepdad is sunbathing and other members of the family refuse to help.

FFS she has already done it twice this week while her stepdad is sunbathing and other members of the family refuse to help.

She asked if she was unreasonable. Don’t ask the question if you’re not prepared for honest answers.

What on earth is 'potatoe lazy taker nature'?

Of course it's about sex. There are so many posts on the Elderly Parents board where already stressed out women are bullied into taking care of their elderly parents (who have often been pretty abusive) and the golden child brothers are no-where to be seen.

I'm pretty sure that if OP was a man, her mother wouldn't be asking her to help. OP has said that her grandad has other family who aren't helping out at all. His daughter, OP's mum, has made the decision that she will provide personal care for her father. That is her choice. It is unreasonable for her to expect OP to provide daily help (which is what she seems to be expecting as OP has already helped her twice this week).

Aye I would. You don’t know what I have had to do in my life.

The comments on this thread are disgusting. All those keyboard warriors calling the OP ‘disgusting’ and telling her she should be ashamed of herself.

At the time that the OP had written her post she had already changed ghe bedding twice. And it was only Wednesday.

To say she’s not helping is total bullshit and piling on the guilt that she should do more by virtue of being related is dreadful when know one knows anything about her relationship with her mum and grandad…or what other responsibilities/circumstances she is juggling.

She’s ABSOLUTELY within her rights to assert her boundaries and expect other family members to help and for her mother to access professional caring support.

@NimbleBee i hope you are ok and these replies haven’t made an already stressful situation, worse.

She may have sibblings to help.
Yes, the step father should help. But nobody can force him. And because of that you are ready to leave your very own close family to struggle? To make a point?
No, thanks. Not for me.
You lot can do that if you want to.
My mental health cannot take the idea of living a loved one in the ditch while I have any means to help them.

So, who is advocating for the rights of that seventy year old woman and the 90 year old man?
Really, it is not about sex. It is about caring nature versus potatoe lazy taker nature.

This

This, I understand the principle and would be calling your step father out, but not at the detriment of your mum and grandad.

your mum is 70 & her Dad is dying , he is your grandfather. Don’t you care about either of them. You should feel ashamed of yourself .

I'd help my mum I'm not quite sure why you wouldn't. It's bedsheets FFS she's not asking you to take full time care of him.

Just because her mum has chosen to care for her dying grandfather, does not mean OP has to provide care too. None of the rest of her family have too either, although berating others for not doing what they are also unwilling too is not on.

Her mum is making a choice, she could choose to have carers to help instead. This is not an emergency or an unpredictable situation, where help at short notice is required. This situation should have been planned for, her 70 year old mum needing help could be completely avoided.

This isn’t a short term problem, you need to set your boundaries OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. It was soul destroying watching my DM work themselves into the ground providing care for my DF, and still falling short of what’s needed, whilst simultaneously refusing to arrange adequate external support, and placing high demands on me to help because she couldn’t cope. Unfortunately it took a crisis to resolve the situation, as is often the case, hope it doesn’t for you OP.

I'm sorry to hear that you were used in that way. Just goes to show that many women perpetuate the notion of carer = female. Even when said woman won't do the care herself!
I'm sure you could kick yourself now, but at least you can say in conscious that you're a good person.

As a woman who had to take on care for grandfather, father ( both dementia) and brother ( mental illness) as my mother died in her 50s and predeceased her parents AND the men in my family seem to specialise in long debilitating illness, I’m well aware of the gender disparity in expectations of care, thank you. I also think there’s a lot of selfishness around and clutching at excuses not to help vulnerable family members.

The weirdest example that I know is when my late husband's ex needed a minor op (day procedure) and needed someone to take her to and from the hospital. (DH was still alive at that point.)

Her partner had recently died. My husband's DIL mentioned over the phone that she couldn't come up to take her MIL to hospital because she was supporting her SIL who was ill. I was somewhat bewildered that DH's son wasn't coming up to do that. (Neither was DH's daughter, for that matter.)

In the end, like an idiot, I volunteered. I felt sorry for the woman - recently bereaved, etc. Subsequent events showed me that I'd just been used.

Nonsense .

Impossible to say without more information.

Is stepdad fit and well? If so yes, he should be offering to help.

What are your circumstances? If you live a 2 hour drive away, or you are caring for children or relatives with disabilities, or you have work commitments, or you are struggling with health or disability yourself then YANBU.

If you’re living in the same house as mum and grandad, and not working / completing other care commitments/ studying when your mum asks , then YABu.

Yep - you're right. Another example of this:
I am a woman married to a woman. We have children and my sister and her husband have children. During school holidays my sister and I try to juggle childcare between us. My wife will look after my nephews almost as much as I do. My sister's husband has never looked after our children. Not even an option. So essentially my sister gets double the childcare as there are two of us to help them, but only one of them to help us. I just don't understand how it's even a thing in 2025.

This is really common. Women would rather ask other women because think it is woman's job. Also men are often WORKING. It doesn't matter if the woman works. The expectation on her remains while it does not tend to for the man.

I think it depends- has op’s mother even asked step-dad to help? Or has she decided it’s easier to ask OP than him, or thinks men shouldn’t do that kind of thing, so her default is OP.

I ask because I had a not too dissimilar situation in my own family- my aunt was looking after an elderly relative, and she seemingly could not ask any male in the family (her husband, sons, brothers, nephews) for help but would contact her female relatives- my mother, myself, her other nieces, her DIL’s without any concern whatsoever. My cousin asked her why she had contacted his wife rather than him to ask for help, and she replied that she didn’t think men should do that sort of thing and didn’t think they would want to help with personal care.

Perhaps OP’s a bit put out because her mum hasn’t even asked her own husband for help but wants her to go round daily, whilst he lounges in the garden? That is really not ok for her mother to just accept that, but expect more from OP.

it’s also possible that OP was not consulted about what help she could provide before EoL care at home was decided upon, yet is being expected to step-in (and to do so daily, it sounds like). She may also have her own commitments which are not being taken account of.

Of course, if op can help it would be the right thing to do to do what she reasonably can. But if her mum needs more help than she can offer, her mother will have to ask other family members to help. Or make alternative care arrangements.