To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I'll clarify about the carers refusing to deal with certain things. Even though they were supposed to provide personal care when required, the carers - understandably - would avoid and sometimes refuse to deal with excrement.

Before anyone jumps on me with disbelief, I can only tell you what our experiences were.

My experience shows that social services will only provide so much. I'll add that my parents worked hard and were frugal, but finished up in a council house because their flat was bought for very little via compulsory purchase.

When there's no house to sell to pay for care, our local council is very invested in only providing 4 slots of care at home - if you're lucky. (From general comments made by the professional carers, I know that our situation was not unusual for the area.) We used Mum's Attendance Allowance to pay for extra and I added to that.

I also had the experience of the care company refusing to tackle certain tasks or missing care slots.

In my case, I dealt with things or it wasn't done. And yes - I chose to do it. I could have walked away.

He might. We don't know. But while that might stop him helping with the grandfather's intimate care, he could be doing everything else - other housework, laundry, shopping, mowing the lawn, weeding, whatever else goes on in that household.

I wonder if your Grandfather feels awkward around your stepdad when it comes to personal care.

It is unfair that it's put on women, I've been there and cared for my GM at end of life whilst working full time and having 2 young children. It was really tough but I never thought of withdrawing that care because I wouldn't leave her to suffer.

The OP stated that she asked for help changing his bedsheets as he is doubly incontinent. Of course we don't no for sure what that entails but I am presuming (again from personal experience) that it is extremely draining and involves far more than sticking sheets in the washing machine.

I am not surprised that the OP hasn't been back to post btw. The personal attacks on this thread have been just appalling.

Exactly, this situation isn’t safe, I am left wondering if the step father didn’t want carers in the house and thought his wife could do it all. An occupational therapist needs to come round and assess the living arrangements, they almost certainly need a hospital bed which will be easier to clean and to get in and out of and of course he needs carers.

I’m well aware of what personal care involves. The OPs opening ( and so far only post) states that her mum is asking for help with bedsheets, not with all personal care.

As has been explained several times on this thread, personal care involves so much more than 'help with the bedsheets'. There are so many ways of providing moral support to loved ones and showing solidarity, which don't involve perpetually cleaning shit.

This. I find it interesting that it's always women that end up expected to do unpaid professional caring roles.

It should be done by trained professionals with the appropriate equipment, to avoid risk of injuries both to the patient and the carers.

She’s not dumping care on the daughter though. She’s just asking for help with the bedsheets. Which would also
provide moral support, if the OP showed some solidarity with the mum.

If Grandfather is bedbound or needs to be lifted/supported and that needs two people so automatically Op's mother shouldn't be doing it alone!

Thank you @Futurehappiness I have been disgusted with the pile on the OP. I have reported many of the posts.

OP is clearly in a difficult situation and many posters on this thread just think she should shut up and do the care without considering her personal situation. They would never give the same advice to men.

Have you not got better things to do than keep count?

That is a ridiculous assumption. We simply don't know the OP's DM's circumstances or the reasons why she has taken on the care of her DF: whether she is unable to get support with his care and is taking it on because she feels she must, or whether she has freely chosen to take it on because she thinks it is what she 'should' do and expects the OP to do the same.

I have already stated upthread that I don't think the DM should be doing this either, having done similar myself I know it is simply too much to expect of a family member. I get support with the care I do; I freely admit I couldn't manage without it. Far better for the family to accept the support and just enjoy quality time with their loved one.

Look again. She’s posted on it 88 times.

AFAICS, you’ve spent just as much time on this thread as @Wonderingwhyyy

Not much empathy for her mum, is there @Futurehappiness? I guess she’s too old to deserve any.

I think I have read it all now. Comments about a poster posting 'too' many times in support of the OP, on what has been a disgusting pile on of a thread.

Women supporting women eh? If this thread is anything to go by then we are crap at supporting each other, and no wonder we remain 2nd class citizens when so many women are happy to guilt others with such relish and tell them what they 'ought' to do ie remember their place and disregard their own needs.

I don't know the OP's circumstances or what prompted her to post; she did say though that she can't do more (having already done plenty). Unfortunately some posters want to disregard and disrespect that, and guilt her into doing more than she says she can do. Yeah of course she should do more: what do women's boundaries matter after all? And if she get burned out and their children suffer, maybe you will feel some empathy then but it will be too late.

You can't always predict when someone will get sick. My mum was terminally ill during covid. There were no options for alternative care. I do agree that too much pressure is put on women generally. I'm lucky that my brothers were equally helpful in caring for my mum.

Was about to say the same thing! Some people have far too much time in their hands!

Has your MN only got one thread @Wonderingwhyyy? You appear a tad obsessed.

I know. It is absolutely disgusting the way OP is being shamed by sanctimonious posters.

Maybe the OP's mental health isn't good. Maybe she is a struggling single parent.

If your mental health cannot take it. Good.

Not everyone is the same or has the same circumstances.