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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
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5
beetr00 · 30/04/2025 09:48

@NimbleBee

Your Mum could buy a couple of these washable bed pads, would be easier all round.

driedgrasses · 30/04/2025 09:46

Your mother is 70 years old so presumably you're a fully grown, possibly middle aged adult, and you won't help her out? Shame on you. Regardless of the sexist situation your mother finds herself in, somebody has to do it, the man's dying ffs.

Tootiredforthis23 · 30/04/2025 09:44

I think I would help as much as I could, obviously that might be limited if you have work or children to look after yourself.

I do understand that’s its frustrating if there are other family members not helping though. When my Nan was ill my mum did the majority of the care, her 5 siblings did next to nothing and I did resent helping when they couldn’t be bothered to.

LegoTherapy · 30/04/2025 09:43

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out. I’m my mum’s carer and get fuckbsll help from the rest of the very able family and it’s breaking me et times. I’d have helped this time but told my mum that she needs to get help from others too.

Tourmalines · 30/04/2025 09:43

Your mother is 70 years old, her father is dying, she’s changing his bedsheets and she asked you for help and you said no , shame on you.

NowYouSee · 30/04/2025 09:42

Sounds Like a need to carers to come in and help rather than purely family. But also looking at his continence arrangements - I know from experience this isn’t a silver bullet but the right continence pants make a big difference. Also large puppy pads strategically placed underneath him can help.

GreenWheat · 30/04/2025 09:40

Good grief, he's in his final stages of life, it's hardly a lifetime commitment. Support your mum, regardless of what anyone else is doing. As PP have said, make sure he has adequate pads etc to minimise the leakage, but other than that, grow up and step up.

idolikealiein · 30/04/2025 09:39

Her dad is dying. The last thing she needs is you lot squabbling over petty issues. Step up.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 09:38

My mum uses these. She gets some from the continence service but they won't give her the highest absorbency so she orders from amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/stores/page/4BFB3E60-FA95-4D82-9779-AA91EF5AFBBD?ingress=2&visitId=ab2c47bf-fb4d-4483-9e74-b3356edfadaf&storeref=blastdpbrandLogosto&ref=astbln

Has he been seen by the continence team? You shouldn't all have to struggle by yourself

WhatNoRaisins · 30/04/2025 09:38

All you can do is decide what your own boundaries are and what help you are willing and able to do. It's not your place to criticise others for not doing what you think they should be doing.

fudgecat · 30/04/2025 09:38

Get a grip and help out FFS

AlwaysFreezing · 30/04/2025 09:37

But why? Looking after someone who is dying is hard. Really hard. If your mum needs help and you can give it, why wouldn't you?

This is about your grandad having a clean bed and you mum having help. Its not to do with your step dad and how much help he is giving or not.

If you're not able to help that's different. But you've not said that.

Kindness in dark times goes a long way.

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2025 09:37

Yes, YABU I’m afraid.

Boomer55 · 30/04/2025 09:37

I would have helped my mum, and I have helped in these circumstances. 🤷‍♀️

Snowflakes1122 · 30/04/2025 09:36

Your poor mum. No one is stepping up to help her. Can you imagine how she feels taking it on alone whilst you all squabble about getting out of helping?

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 09:36

Can carers come in to help?
Is your grandad wearing decent pads to help with the incontinence?
Is there a mattress protector and puppy pads under his bottom area to help prevent waste going everywhere?

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 09:34

Why can’t you help? Regardless of what your stepfather is or isn’t doing.

I’m not saying you should but why can’t you?