To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Honestly, even if I hated my grandfather I'd do i'd for my mother fo support her and lighten her load if I could.

You are being asked for short term support its not like 3 months or so is going to turn into 5 years...

I'd also swing by dunelm and buy 3 or 4 matress protectors which could be stacked on the bed so they can just be whipped off in an emergency/ to make it easier at night as then there is already a new set underneath and I'd pick up some nice food and snacks for the house.
It must be incredibly hard for your mum.
And I'd be heartbroken if my children did this to me in 20 years.

For the record I have a 3 and 1 year old and work full time. Unless there is serious backstory missing beyond "my sister/brother is lazy and THEY aren't helping when they could" then yabvu.

Why wouldn’t you help? My mum died prematurely last year, she was 61. It was horrific and caring is so so hard. We all helped as much as we could. Yes it wasn’t nice, but it was even worse for her to have her family doing personal care, but for her dignity and to take the stress off our dad who was already going through his worst time, we all did what we could and when we could.
YABVU. Quit moaning and help your poor mum whose dad is dying, or help solicit other help if you don’t want to do it.

Your poor mother.

It’s not unreasonable to say you can’t help but you probably should try to understand WHY you’re saying that and see if you’re still comfortable with your decision.

you might say you can’t help because:

1. death and dying freaks you out
2. you hate or resent your grandfather
3. you’re really squeamish about personal care
4. you think your step dad should help first
5. you don’t have time
6. you told your mum in advance you wouldn’t be able to help and suggested carers and she still took this on
7. you hate or resent your mum
8. you are selfish
9. You think your mum shouldn’t be doing this and are trying to make it difficult
10. it always seems to need doing when you have another commitment
11. it always needs doing when you’ve just settled down with a glass of wine and Celebrity Love Island
12. you are really stretched by other things and at breaking point

and probably loads of others. But some are better reasons than others and some should lead you to take a long hard look at yourself

you need to be comfortable with the decision you make and posting on here indicates you aren’t

I'd help if it was me, but obviously it is completely your choice.

Sometimes we have to do things that are hard for us. I'm a carer to my severely disabled son, and believe it's no fun changing the incontinence pad of a 14 year old, but I don't think twice about it because I love him and I would move the earth for him.

I understand it's a slightly different situation, because it's your elderly Grandad, but I would still lend a hand.

Op, step up and help. Say YES when your Mum asks but also research so that your Grandad is using the best sheet protectors, mattress protectors and sanitary products.

Also help your Mum set up procedures to help visiting nurse bathe Grandad - so that the house stays as fresh as can be and Grandad is clean.

Can you use a laundromat - washers and dryers and purchase more sets of sheets? Set up NappySan bucket for sheets and a rubbish collection bin for Grandad's nappies.

It's one of those things that you're not obligated to do but really, you should unless there's some big backstory. It's nice when families can pull together to help each other out. It's not fair for your mum to do it all on her own.

You're as bad as anyone you criticise for not helping
Of course you should help

Your poor mum. She’s 70, looking after her dying father. Just help her fgs.

I’d help if I could, around work and children, realistically that may not be as much as someone might want me to be able to do. I wouldn’t not help just because I felt someone else should. It’s not clear why you aren’t helping.

I wouldn’t take any grief from someone else who wasn’t helping though.

Yes, good comment. Maybe OP work, has her own family. If this is too much for her Mum they should get in carers. It is very good for OPs mum to take this on but she should not keep asking her daughter. Lazy step father.

Your poor mum, sadly a lot of women in their late 60s/70 are expected to do this with aging parents, while carrying out childcare duties for grandchildren.

I hope he has a care plan, someone to help your DM, changing soiled bedclothes isn't nice but clearly the person who soiled them isn't capable of clearing up, that is when compassion comes in.

My beautiful sister is a palliative care carer, she gets so much from ensuring a clients dignity is upheld.

As someone who looked after their mother in law who was doubly incontient and had to wash all the sheets multiple times a day for months on end and ended up having a house that looked like a dry cleaners, while her daughter watched but didn’t help - YANBU.
I would never do it again for anyone other than my own kids.

I feel so sorry for your mum, you are being exceptionally unreasonable.

I’d help my mum bury a body if she needed my help! 😂

it’s only changing a bed!

One day that might be you needing someone to help you clean up after your mum. And one day it might be you who is incontinent and needs your bedding changed, ideally by people who love you and don’t do it with resentment.

Most of the comments on here are criticising you yet at the minute 36% are saying YANBU…
personally I wouldn’t do it, your mum has decided she will deal with it but she has no right to force you to. And if her husband is so bloody concerned then maybe he should help her.

Why couldn’t you help? Jeez I’d have helped a stranger in these circumstances, let alone my struggling mom.

what your step dad does or doesn’t do is irrelevant to your decision not to help.

your poor mom.

So you are choosing not to help your poor mother, who is trying to cope with the physical and emotional toll of caring for her dying father, and is not receiving any practical support from her husband. And you expect support and sympathy?

Your stepfather being unhelpful doesn’t mean you get a pass for also being unhelpful. If you love your mother I would have thought you’d want to help and support her however you could at this difficult time.

This is the saddest thing I've read in a while. Your poor mum is losing her dad and you're moaning like a teenager having to clean their room. Grow up and show some compassion. What her husband does is up to him, you can help her but don't want to...shame on you.

My dad was dying when my DS was 6, I don’t like to shame you but even he helped out with a lot of things and saw things a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. He’s your grandfather, that’s your mum, there’s a lot of difficulties during someone’s final days/weeks, and hell at times a lot of resentment over who helps and who doesn’t, but at the end of it you can hold your head high knowing you did the best for your grandad and your mum and made those difficult times a little bit easier and comfortable. Don’t make it harder. Think about your future too and if you were in that position.

No it isn't woman's work, but why would you choose to actively make your mother's life harder? Assuming you are close to her emotionally and physically.

Your mum is not a young woman and is looking after a presumably extremely frail elderly father. Help her out.

Maybe OP works full time and has other commitments? She’s already changed the bedding twice this week and it’s Wednesday morning, so presumably her mum expects her to come round every day and change the sheets while her husband sunbathes. If that’s the case I can see why she has refused.

Why isn’t her husband helping? My gut feeling is she’s clearly struggling and she needs you so unless you really can’t do it you should. But equally her husband presumably lives in the same house and should want to help his wife and it’s not your job to compensate for him not bothering.

You’ve not said why you’ve decided to step back.

Wtf? Your poor mum needs HELP from anyone and everyone. Your stepfather should help, sure, but so should you. Now is not the time for squabbling. Just help your mother ffs. There's no mention of genuine reasons why you can't in your OP, so yes, YABU, as is your stepfather.

It's also feasible that your grandad would prefer your stepdad not to help, not sure if that's relevant in these circumstances or not but in my family I know my dad would rather die than have another unrelated man help. Either way, help your mother then when it's all over deal with any unfairness then.