To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Make a daily rota with jobs that the family can sign up to do. If they don’t sign up they can pay for a carer to do the work on a day of their choice. If no one signs up then it’s a carer divided by the family members.

You're right that it shouldn't just be you helping, if there are others who could be helping.

It's okay not to help if you are working full time, have your own caring responsibilities, distance, etc.

But if you could be helping and aren't just because no one else is, that's pretty poor behaviour.

Your mum needs help. If you are available, you should help. If you can't because of unavailability, you need to be clear about this to the others who could be helpung. You can also send a rocket up others who could be helping but aren't, but if you're not doing your part when you could, it will look a bit hypocritical- that doesn't excuse them, though.

End of life care is hard, though, and your mum needs help from someone, whether it's you, other family members or professional carers, and someone needs to sort that out.

It must be really hard for your mum to help her own dad and you’re refusing to help her?

It's not about being male or female. We can only control our own behaviour - just because her SD is a lazy bastard it doesn't mean the OP should be leaving her poor Mum to manage on her own.

God you sound like my brother.
”Well they’re not helping so why should I…”

Help your Mother ffs.

YABU. Do it to help your mum ffs.

Exactly! Fucking hell, let's hope the OP doesn't need people to look after her when she is old and infirm.

Has your mum spoken to Social Care to see if they are eligible for any support ? You might be able to get a morning / evening visit to help with these things. They also might be able to help ensure he has the right pads etc

Of course it should be you. Females should do ALL the donkey work. Step dad is too busy and important to do stuff like that

This in buckets

What a wonderful thing your Mum is doing taking care of her Dad in his final months, that must be so difficult for her; practically and emotionally. YABVU not to help if you are able. Don't focus on what other people are doing; they will have to live with themselves.

Wow. How about a little bit of care and compassion? You are correct, she has no right to force anyone. It’s just helping her mum to change a bed for a (presumably) cherished family member. Staggeringly selfish attitude

100% this!!!!+

Really can't believe OP's taking this stand, it's your older dm looking after your dying grandfather , her dad, and you aren't helping anymore?
You need to hope you aren't in your grandfathers situation one day. I've worked in agency nursing terminal care, it's hard work but each patient is a human being even if they are up to their eyes in shit. You roll your sleeves up get on with it.

Yes, he should. And your family should be helping you. But if he won’t, is that a good reason for OP to also not help?

I feel so sorry for your Mum. Both you, and your step father sound awful. I agree that your step father is a lazy sod, but you can't do anything about his behaviour. You can do something about yours though. Your Mum will be going through a physically, mentally, and emotionally gruelling time. Please do anything you can to support her, and stop worrying about what your step father is (or isn't) doing.

Don't worry about what others do, tgars not yoyr concern. You do what you think is the right thing to do. Personally, I would help my mum..

Why are you all piling on the OP? She hasn't stated the reason why she can no longer help. Work, her own family/children. It's only fair that the whole family step up.

This. This. This.

For your DM’s sake I’d like to think you’d help. Your SD should be helping too, of course, but maybe he never changed a nappy either. It’s really about your Mum and what she needs from you. You could leave her to it I suppose but it must be a very emotional and difficult time for her. I get that it must be a difficult and unpleasant job - I feel for all of you.

Of course you shouldn't have to do this. Frankly, neither should your mum. Yanbu to say no. If your grandad doesn't have assets sufficient to pay for the care he needs then he gets a needs assessment and the appropriate care is provided. If he does have the assets sufficient to sepf-fund his care needs, and family members choose to do the work themselves to avoid that money being spent, then that is within the choice of each individual. Your mum can step away and refuse to provide this service.

Yes its his wife but its YOUR mum!!!! How could you be so selfish as to not want to help her? Hideous.

Stop being mardy about what other people are, or are not, doing and go be there and help your Mum!! Her Father is dying FFS and she needs help. Have some bloody compassion and give her a hand. Last thing she needs right now is you two squabbling like children. Step up!

‘Getting in carers’ isn’t as simple as that though. Social care is non existent and can take weeks to set up. Lots of families can’t afford private care. It’s not fair, but expected that families step in and help.
I couldn’t watch my parent struggle caring for anyone, but that’s me.

When I was about 14 I didn’t do something for a very old grandparent, 30+ years on I still regret. One day you may grow up and regret this (but I guess you aren’t a young teen).

Help your mother with your dying granddad - argue the toss with your lazy-arse stepfather afterwards.