To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

What is the time scale OP? This stage can last for quite some time, if your mum is struggling I’d be encouraging her to look into professional care, either residential or an agency to come to your home? It’s a lot to expect of her. Don’t underestimate the toll this can have on a family.
Personally i wouldn't want my family caring for me.

I would help your mum and grandad and I’m not even related. Step up for gods sake.

And please stop referring to ‘puppy pads’. This is a grown human being we’re talking about, not a fucking dog. Show some respect.

They should. They’re arseholes so they’re not doing. They’re disgusting.

It’s her mum, her mums on her own, she should help her.

I notice the replies from people who've done this for a family member themselves are the ones saying no, while other posts are being pious about care and compassion and how they'd do it for a stranger if asked (sorry, don't believe you and I would like to see how you'd actually react if a random person asked for this). Talk is easy and everyone's got an opinion when it's not them being expected to clean up shit on the floor for nothing alongside their job, existing family and everything else. Like the easy assumptions to about 'he's dying, it won't be for long'. Elderly people can be 'dying' for years. OP is free to say she can't do this.

The fury at a woman not wanting to do the labour while it’s accepted from a man

your mother has capacity - she can get her shitty husband to help her

Imagine it was you lying in that bed, would you want someone to step up and make you comfortable? Allow you your dignity?

You can’t expect help if you are not prepared to give help.

Well, I suppose you've helped out a couple of times...but I'm embarrassed at the idea that your poor mum actually asked for help and was then refused. She must have been desperate before she got to the stage of asking.

I was my late husband's carer. There was only an issue of changing bedding and so on if he became ill on top of his chronic condition and I did everything myself. (At one point I was working full time and also caring for my mother - but I did have carers coming in to help with her.)

The one time that I turned to family for help was when I was waiting for test results - I'd had bad news following two tests and had to wait three months for the next one, so started to put things in order, just in case.

I phoned DH's daughter to let her know that if anything happened to me that she and her brother would have to organise care for their dad. Her response? "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

3 months later, I got the all clear from the doctor. I phoned the daughter to let her know, but reiterated that if anything happened to me, her dad would need care. I didn't expect the kids to do the hands on stuff themselves. I knew that there was no chance of that. I just wanted someone to advocate for DH.

Her response this time was "But you're all right, aren't you?" I never forgot and I never asked anything of her again.

Your mum won't forget, OP.

@SmoothRoads quite, OP has already done way more than the stepdad by the sound of things. Why is the view women need to do everything? OP lm assuming has her reasons. For example l wouldn't be assisting my mum much in this situation as l don't live close, work full time, have 2 under 2 and a recently diagnosed chronic condition

He’s not a dog ffs.

Is this because the op is female? Why shouldn’t other family care as well?

Shit men shirking their responsibilities doesn't mean you should hide behind feminism to watch other women struggle.

Both you and your step father should be helping your poor mother. End of.

YANBU op, you've already helped or been helping, we don't know your circumstances and your step father prioritising having a sunsoak would rile me up also.

Quite.

I hear you and support your decision.

I changed my mother's bedding last year and helped with her toilet requirements until it got too much, lifting her in and out, so she got a catheter inserted.

My brother, her primary carer, didn't want to do it and I respected his decision.

What I would say is this cannot continue with regards to the double incontinence.

Please seek help from the GP practice and contact Age UK as well.

You can help in other ways such as making meals, hanging the washing, tumble drying and making the bed with fresh clean sheets.

Seek extra help. Best wishes to you and your mum.

You sound completely heartless and lacking in empathy. I can’t imagine refusing to help out with anyone who was looking after a dying loved one, let alone my own granddad.

There are others who could help but aren’t. It’s obviously a tough job. It’s not up to the op to just get on with it whilst others feel ok to have avoided clearing up after double incontinence.

It's actually pretty awful to care for a dying parent pretty much alone and feel that no one else really gives a shit. Physically exhausting and very distressing. Give your mother some support FFS, and put your stepfather straight while you're at it.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago, My mum did everything and I was guilt tripped so much by the rest of the family that I ended up helping my mum with both her parents for years (none of her siblings would help, I'm the only female grandchild and none of the others helped either just ALL left to me and my mum, the words 'this is just what women do' was used a few times, I ended up looking after both Grandparents through terminal cancer for almost four years including changing their pads, I get where you are coming from about the step dad and it's nothing to do with you not wanting to help.. I watched the male members of my family going to football matches, going on holiday as i was changing their parents pads, the more I did the more that was expected.

I ended up having a breakdown after watching my grandad pass away in horrible pain, when I called one of his sons to let him know he had died he shouted at me for calling because the time I called wasn't a good time for him.

I now have no family years later because I can't look at any of them the same way. it's not about the pads it was the watching us struggle and not even offering to pick up a pint of milk to help out. The one time my mum begged her brothers for some help she was told she was selfish for asking.

I had the same conversation with my mum that as his grand daughter I didn't want to be seeing him naked or changing his pads when the rest of the grandkids were getting on with their normal lives not having to see what I was seeing. the entire thing changed me as a person, i kept getting these thoughts in my head that out of all the people i know i never knew anyone that did what I was doing, then I was going to go through the same with my own parents, it caused a lot of anger in me that is still there, resented everyone else in my family for getting on with their lives like nothing was happening. it's not about the pads it's about if you don't help your mum then who will? it's either help or she does it herself, this should not be on grandkids.

This. Be the bigger person and help your mum. This is probably hell for her.
You can call your step dad all the things you like but keep them in your head for now, it’s not the time.

I'm a carer so that probably changes my opinion. I've looked after hundreds of people both terminal and otherwise. I've also looked after my own grandparents (as a single mum, working full time in care) and I will say looking after family is a whole different ball game. It is all consuming, sometimes it can take away from the relationship you once had. That's not to say I won't do it when the time comes for my two remaining grandparents, to me it is an honor and a privilege. But I understand why people feel they can't.

Are carers an option? To give your mum some time back as a daughter rather than a carer?

Also, is your grandfather receiving the correct continence aids for him? The NHS will provide 4 for 24hrs (which is usually nowhere near enough but it may help).

I don't think being so harsh on your stepdad will help. What will help is suggestions of other support for your mum. If she chooses not to accept help from other people that's her choice if course but speaking with her about options may be really helpful.

I wouldn't want to do that, and can see why a step- son in law would not feel comfortable doing it. Likewise I doubt your grandpa would want him to.

Either family help your mum, or you help arrange help for her/grandpa. It isn't fair on either of them otherwise.

Your poor mum. And grandpa too obviously

Just pray that there is someone to look after you when your time comes.

This in abundance!

I can´t believe the general sentiment on this thread. OP has been helping her mother, multiple times a week. It's her lazy ass husband, who presumably lives there, who is letting his wife struggle. Yet OP has to do even more, although she already said she can´t do more.

What is this world coming to for women? We are running backwards. No wonder fewer and fewer women are willing to have children. This is what they would be damning their daughters to.

Wow!!!

Would your dying, double incontinent gradfather be calm with your step father helping or did your Mum ask you , beacuse you are her daugher and she thought you would help her? Jesus, it was very mean to decline if you could have helped. The guy is dying. Helping will be temporary.