To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Thank you. Very well expressed.

Well, I've done it and I'm not saying 'No'. We're all different.

I understand why you are fed up helping your mom when no one else wants to do it - specially your stepdad who is doing bugger all. It's not easy changing sheets for a double incontinent, it's gross, difficult and confronting.

The reality though is that if you don't help your mom, it'd be her and your g/f in the last stages of life the ones affected by your lack of help. It's beyond unfair but often the people caring the most, are the ones doing the hard work.

Give the lazy bastards hell but keep helping your mom.

My dad - God bless him - stepped up and helped when my mum was caring for her uncle. (His nieces and nephews were her closest relatives.)

It is shitty of the stepdad not to step up, I agree. However, I couldn't have refused if my mum had asked me for help.

In the end, I did the needful for my parents and my husband. I never expected my husband's adult children to do the hands on work, but it would have been nice if I'd been able to rely on them very occasionally just to sit with him for an afternoon to give me a break or to visit when he was in hospital.

It would have been doable for them. One was freelance and WFH; the other retired very early. They chose not to. Entirely up to them. There's only one grandchild. They've shown them how to behave towards their elders. (Or to put their own needs first - whichever way you care to look at it.)

Absolutely agree with this.

OP you have the right to say yes or no to helping your DM help for her DF. It's entirely up to you if you wish to help ease the burden for your DM or wish to make your DGF more comfortable. Your choice. Frustrating to hear that your DM's husband isn't willing to help her but that doesn't mean the burden of help falls on your shoulders.

Time and time again, we see on here, when parents are 'demanding' this, that and everything and PP's always comment 'Don't they know you have boundaries?!!?!? I wouldn't be doing that' blah blah blah. Now all of a sudden it's the complete opposite!

And I say this from having a parent on EoL care for 3 years now. Doubly incontinent, unable to walk etc. So I know how hard it gets and how much I'm prepared to do now because it's nearly broken me but hey! it seems every other PP on here seems to think you should sacrifice everything and drop everything to help your DM...which by the way, is her choice to do it.

Oh and the random one on here who would do it for a stranger...can you pop in to my parents every day for me; give me a break? Thanks so much...🙄

Maybe you oilfield contact Mc millen for advice and support as this is such a difficult time for your mum and grandad. I cannot understand why you are not willing to support then too?

The OP can make whatever decisions she wants as long as she can live with the afterwards. I never did personal care for my parents but I made sure they got excellent professional care and could fund it. And I’m fine with that decision.

Personal care is hard. Personal care for relatives is harder because it affects your relationships. The OP’s mum’s CHOICE to provide this care was made by her for her, not the OP.

Exactly this. Honestly grow up OP.

@5128gap Letting them shirk their responsibilities and feeding into it is a big part of the problem. It's not only feminism, it's mainly fairness. OP has already assisted this week by the sound of it. Maybe she's burned out from her own caring responsibilities elsewhere and / or has her own health issues. Possibly she thinks carers or a hospice is more suitable but has been shouted down. Maybe she's suggested a family rota which was either declined or people aren't doing their "shift".

Do you apply that to the male family member/s who aren’t helping or just to the female op?

Why so hung up on puppy pads being used? It's a valid item to use to protect bedding. My mum uses them!

?? That’s the point of my post.

Is this because you think it’s women’s work? Why shouldn’t other family members help? Would you refuse to use these pads?

My mum uses puppy pads and is not a dog! It's a way of protecting the bed so don't be so booody self righteous. FFS to you too!

If your Grandad is on EOL care then I think this is a pull up your big girl pants scenerio. Your stepdad being unable or unwilling to help shouldn't have any influence on you doing the right thing by your Mum and Grandad. Your conscience will be clear and you will harbour no guilt, when it comes round to the funeral the extended family will be bickering and point scoring. But you will sit safe in the knowledge that you did your best.

I can completely understand why you don't want to do it. It's not nice to see a grandparent like that. Obviously not nice for your mum either but presumably she made the choice to look after him and so she shouldn't rely on you to do the same. Why can't she ask other family to help? Why is all on your mum (and you)?
I think it's fine to set boundaries. It's not like you haven't helped at all. Perhaps it's time for your mum to get carers in if she's struggling.

How mean not to help your DM and DGF.

I know right! How dare she have boundaries and not feed into letting a man opt out

There must be a back story here. My MIL recently passed away - she did have a carer but DH said on a couple of occasions he had to assist with personal care - (changing pad), but he and his brother said they weren't going to do it as a matter of course because it didn't feel 'right' to them and she did have carers to do all that.
There are definitely good pads out there that shouldn't necessitate changing bedcovers too often.
If your mum has asked for help and she's 70, you must be at least 30-odd so not a child and can help on occasion.

I am really sorry your Mum and yourself is going through this, have had experience with this last year with MIL, so I can empathise, it’s difficult. I understand you are frustrated with your Step Dad, but could not leave my Mum to struggle. It is up to your Mum to ask him to help her.

Previous posters have already mentioned, but to help cut down down on the washing you need a mattress protector, washable or disposable mattress pads (the ones branded puppy/pet are cheaper) and incontinence pads.

HER MUM IS NOT ON HER OWN

there is another person in the house - but he’s a male

has your mother asked your step father?

No, he's not - but professional carers often advise families to buy puppy pads as extra mattress protectors. (They're cheaper than the ones that you buy for patients from specialist companies and families are advised to use them above the mattress protectors.)

The first time someone suggested them for my mother, I was taken aback.

I don't advise them for various reasons - apart from anything else, the specialist variety are bigger and don't have to be overlapped the same way.

So if women don’t do all the caring work and shit clearing up they can’t expect help in ill health and/old age? Do you follow this ethic in your life?

YABU. Stepdad is being maybe more unreasonable of he's angry at you but not doing it himself. 2 wrongs don't make a right tho. YA (both) BU . Your poor mum.

Unless there is a huge backstory or other full time commitments that mean you're unable to help, put aside your clear resentment of your Step Dad for now.

Have an adult discussion with your Mum about how much help you can provide and if you can offer support in other ways such as speaking with the GP about a care referral to support your Grandfather.

I can't imagine refusing any help in the situation you describe OP but unless you can give more context you are coming across as very unreasonable.