Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unflip

1 2 ··· 21 22 23 ··· 26 27

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

glittereyelash · 30/04/2025 11:00

Your mum is 70 herself and doing her best to care for her dad. Are you going to say no when it's her dying and she needs help getting changed. Why is it you don't want to help is your grandfather an awful person, do you not get along with your mother or you just can't be bothered?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2025 10:59

And wouldn’t it be more dignified for your grandad if there was a man to help him wash etc? Ie someone of the same sex, your step dad, or if your Mum has brothers.

placemats · 30/04/2025 10:59

Fairyliz · 30/04/2025 10:51

Is it literally just changing the bedding which would take two adults five minutes?
Unless you live a two hour round trip from your grandad and you mum and stepdad live down the road I think you are being unreasonable.

No it most certainly isn't with a doubly incontinent very elderly and frail person.

@NimbleBee please seek help from agencies. This can't continue and your mum is being unreasonable asking you to help. Ignore the lazy bastard sunbather. He's doing that to wind you up.

Rainbow1235 · 30/04/2025 10:58

just help your mum out . Heaven forbid u may need help someday .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/04/2025 10:58

Sounds like there needs to be a rota set up between the family, unless outside carers can be brought in!

Im not sure why your step dad was annoyed with you if unwilling to help himself.

But equally it’s unfair on your Mum if no one helps her.

EndlessTreadmill · 30/04/2025 10:58

Snowflakes1122 · 30/04/2025 09:36

Your poor mum. No one is stepping up to help her. Can you imagine how she feels taking it on alone whilst you all squabble about getting out of helping?

This. You are doing this out of love for your mum, first and foremost. Forget the others. Whatever you don't do, she has to do alone. Poor poor her.

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 10:57

Also thinking about safe and comfortable moving and handling, skin integrity etc

a professional review would be sensible

Pluvia · 30/04/2025 10:56

Oh, and I'm another who nursed a parent to the end and changed the bedding three times a day at least, and I'm also saying that sometimes you have to do the right thing whether it suits you or not.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 10:55

My sister had District nurses and continence services involved to get my mum sorted with pads and carers.

BelfastBard · 30/04/2025 10:55

What’s your reasoning for not wanting to help her? I imagine she’s finding it very painful to watch her father die and is struggling with not only the emotional side of that, but the practicalities too.
In your position, I’d be helping.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 10:53

Fairyliz · 30/04/2025 10:51

It depends if he can move off the bed or not and it's likely to be pissy/shitty bedding and will involve a wash down of the grandad. It is not a quick or easy job.

OceanSounds123 · 30/04/2025 10:51

I would get this moved to the Elderly Parents topic.They are very helpful.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/04/2025 10:51

I hope he can get some carers to come in? That level of need can't be met by a single elderly lady.
As other say, contact the continence service locally. They can give advice and products to help keep him clean and dry.

It's not fair for either of your parents or you to have to do this type of personal care on your own. So please employ a care agency.

Or it could be that unfortunately it's better off for him to be in a care home or hospice for the last part of his life.

Can you contact adult social services?

Fairyliz · 30/04/2025 10:51

CarrotVan · 30/04/2025 10:49

These are the type my mum used for the 20+ years of carers and continence issues

www.capatexcare.co.uk/kylie-sheets-washable-bed-

AndiPandiPuddinAndPie · 30/04/2025 10:49

@PineappleChicken
Hi,
They recommend to use puppy pads rather than ‘human’ incontinence pads as they are a fraction of the cost and work better. PP are not being flippant by using that term

Pluvia · 30/04/2025 10:48

Your poor, poor mother. She deserves better than her husband and she deserves better than you.

Dotjones · 30/04/2025 10:48

YANBU. Caring responsibility is a one-way thing, parents have to care for children, not the other way around. Of course children are free to help like the OP has done, but they should never be obliged to. It's especially bad in this case when the mother has a partner who could help them but can't be arsed.

TeeBee · 30/04/2025 10:48

I think I'd reply to the step-dad; 'You help her this morning and I'll help her this afternoon, if you can manage to get off your sunbed'.

Newtrix · 30/04/2025 10:48

Boomer55 · 30/04/2025 09:37

I would have helped my mum, and I have helped in these circumstances. 🤷‍♀️

Me too, without question.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 10:47

And sometimes you have to step back to encourage others to step up so I have sympathies with the OP

morningtoncrescent62 · 30/04/2025 10:46

YABU. Yes, her husband should be helping, and it's infuriating that he won't. But leaving your mum alone to cope isn't the right way forward. Yes, of course try to persuade him to do his share, but don't leave your (also ageing) mother alone to cope with all the hard physical graft.

dementedpixie · 30/04/2025 10:46

This is also an option. It's a washable draw sheet type cover that might save having to change the whole bed. Use also with a waterproof mattress protector

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

TipsyRaven247 · 30/04/2025 10:46

Wow, how selfish. Shame on you, OP.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 10:45

Wishywashylaundry · 30/04/2025 10:41

Exactly this. Honestly grow up OP.

Show quote history

Do you think that this is women’s work? Why shouldn’t male family do the caring s well? Is this how your family functions? If so and you’re female get ready for doing all the caring whilst male family sits in the sun.

Unflip

1 2 ··· 21 22 23 ··· 26 27

Swipe left for the next trending thread