To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I have said I can not help no more.

Your AIBU question really depends on why you can not help any more OP.

Do you mean you aren’t able to help out or do you mean you will not ?

If you have good health, time, love your family, and have good intentions then I’m sure you would help out if you possibly could.

I would say that you would be unreasonable to put your foot down, and refuse to help out, for no good reason.

YANBU Your mother is for not getting her husband to help, instead thinking it's 'womens work' so gets you.

If he's that bad why isn't he in a care home or getting carers in? Also why is he not wearing Depends? If he is incontinent put him in Depends then it would keep the mattress from being soiled. Also as an added extra protection, you can put down a disposable waterproof sanitary cover, like you get in hospitals, you can buy them at your local pharmacist. It's the same sterile undersheet that hospitals use to change cannulas and do other hygiene related tasks.

No, because I think it’s the right thing to do regardless of who it is and who else is or isn’t stepping up. Other family members should help of course, but that doesn’t excuse the OP from stepping up to do the right thing imo.

I would use and refer to ‘incontinence pads’ when caring for my family member in the last few months of their life. My dad is about to go onto palliative care and there is no way I’ll be referring to things used for dogs for the man that has taken care of me my whole life.

If you read ops post it says she already is/has been helping.

Both of you should be helping.

It is not your step dad's place to be unhappy with you for not helping, but I do feel sorry for your mum. If neither you nor he help, what is she going to do? Are the council or a hospice involved?

How often did your grandad look after you when you were younger?

Wouldn’t you organise a carer that the male family who refuse to help could pay for? They help with clearing up and washing or they pay someone to do this.

There's no way I would have asked my daughter's to do this regarding their gran. They helped in other ways with emotional support which I loved.

this.
you are not wrong, but your 70 year old mother needs support and help at this moment. help and then have the conversation.

All of this. I have to provide this level of care for my DC and to be frank, I will never ever do it for anyone else, not even my own parents. Someone has suggested that it is just a 5 minute job...just advertising the fact that they have no idea at all what is involved.

The OP stated that her GdDad is at the end of life and that could take some months. The 'end of life' stage can be protracted over many months during which things steadily deteriorate, so no the care is not just for a short time.

The people on here berating the OP and calling her selfish are completely out of order. It is not as though she isn't helping, she said she has helped twice this week and that she can't do more, so why isn't that good enough for some posters? She may have family & other responsibilities of her own and may come back to explain that; though frankly, after the treatment she has had on this thread I wouldn't bother if I were her.

She has already explained. There is a lazy arse man sitting on his arse in the garden who should be helping his partner.

You should have carers helping too. My father died recently and was double incontinent.

Your poor grandfather can't help it. He wont want to be a burden and probably feels absolutely awful to be in this position. He has no or little dignity left.

I suggest that you are as supportive as possible. If it was my father or grandfather I would want him to feel as loved as possible and would not want to make him feel like a burden.

Your mother is clearly under a lot of pressure and is possibly even grieving his death or loss now as the man who was her father is no longer what he once was.

It's a very sad situation and personally I would do anything to make my father feel comfortable and loved in his last days.

Absolutely not but if her mum isn't getting any help then I'd step up and I'd be dealing with the useless man later.
The comfort of the patient comes first.

What is your reason for not helping?

I suppose this is why men get away with not doing the work of caring. Leave it to the women to clean up as they will jump to it without question.

Exactly. The misogyny on this thread is disgusting.

The OP is young and either working or studying or raising children.

The one who should be helping is the retired man lying on his arse in the sunny garden.

Why shouldn’t male family do the helping? Is it something you think to be women’s work only?

Everyone should have a care plan in place that doesn’t rely on their children. There is too much expectation placed on women to be carers.

Absolutely this. Dear God what the hell is wrong with people, just help your Mum.

I’m sorry but this is awful.

Regardless of whether your step Dad is being useless.

If my mum asked me for help at such a difficult time I would help her without question.

I was 63 when lifting my very unsteady mum in and out of the bed, by this time carers were in for personal wash and cream only and mum had a proper hospital type bed by then.

Family helped with getting the care needed. I was happy doing that for her until it became too dangerous and she got the catheter.

She was end of life though but in own home.

I would try and get the GP to refer to the local hospice who can help with end of life care in your own home. Almost certainly entitled to carers in this situation who can help with changing bedlinen but the hospice will know the quickest way to get help. I looked after a loved one who had a stroke and was entitled to hospice help as my loved one was extremely vulnerable. It was a life safer not least a 24 hour helpline. You really aren’t expected to do all this at end of life.

This thread is so predictable. A retired man in good health is berating a young woman for not changing another man’s bedding and the women of MN are rallying behind him.

OP, the median age of the average woman on AIBU is 60, they expect all younger women to serve them and their men.

Well done for saying no, your mum needs to get partner to step up.

There's simply not enough information to criticise as we have no idea if she's unemployed and living in the same house, or 150 miles away working full time.