To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Why on earth is your mum having to ask for help? With 2 able bodied adults in the house, why aren't you offering help without being asked?

I think it’s shameful not to help. I am a mum of three, twin toddlers and a baby, and if my Mum asked I would come running. And yes, I’ve been in a similar situation in the past when I worked full time and a Grandparent was in the last weeks of life. You step up and help your poor Mum.

Waiting for the drip feed.

Because SHE’S the one ASKING if SHE is being unreasonable for not helping.

I don’t think anyone is going to say the stepfather isn’t a selfish twat or the other family members. It still doesn’t make it ok to ignore the fact that a dying man and his daughter need help.

I can envisage this happening with my mum and brother and I soon when we care for my dad. My brother will be useless at any kind of practical care so I will step up and help because it’s my dad. I will also address it with my brother and expect him to perform a variety of other tasks to help. It doesn’t mean I believe it’s a ‘woman’s job’ like these idiots are frothing at the mouth about. It’s because it’s the RIGHT thing to do to ensure the people that need care actually get it.

My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.

Contact the other family members and tell them your mother needs more help, it’s only for a few months so not long term care

YANBU. I wouldn't do it. Changing someone's bedding like that is incredibly intimate and something many family would struggle with. Not to mention hard to stomach. Your mum is doing is, but she has chosen to, and that is her right. You have the ability to choose whether to or not. If nobody in the family did it, carers would have to step up. Don't let yourself be guilted into doing a caring job you never signed up for.

Not RTFT but ‘incontinence cleansing foam’ (in case they haven’t used it already). Good luck.

Women allow men to get away with it.

Women are made to feel bad whereas the stepdad doesn't care and is happy sunbathing. The mum would rather ask the daughter because she sees it as a woman's job also.

@NimbleBee harsh responses on here. If you headed over to the Elderly Parents thread I think their would be kinder responses.

Depends how much you care about your mum really. Has getting carers in been discussed?

Feeling bad for you mum losing her dad while you & your step parent fight about sunbathing & who's not helping

I think that your step dad should help out. I would be saying so to him aswell. It's really unreasonable of him not to. I would also be telling any other family members who might be able to help out to get themselves moving.
But you don't have any control over his actions, you do have control over your own.

I've been in your mum's position and it's so much harder than people realise. Not only the physical work but the emotional burden it all brings with it.

So, I would still help her out. It sounds like he has little time left and she will have that to face soon aswell without feeling that everyone around her let her down when she needed them.

OP, you are entitled to choose how much you are involved.
Your step father is choosing to not be involved.
Has your mother siblings?
She must contact them.

Unfortunately in some families, it is only women who are considered for caring duties.

Screw that is my view.

I can highly recommend large incontinence pads (or puppy pads). We put them underneath the top sheet on a toddlers beds and they absorb 99% of wee accidents. You can also order larger ones if the bed if really big.

Neither of you need to be changing bedsheets so often, these sheets will really help.

Most women here think that caring is a woman’s job. All the without question and I’d help your mum show how men get away with avoiding the difficult side of life.

So you can recognize that your step Dad is a selfish shit, and then decided to replicate his actions, but think you doing it is tickety boo?

Your SD is a useless shit, and so are you. Get your finger out and help your mother for God’s sake.

I think people are being rather harsh on the OP. It depends what she might have going on in her own life.

It always seem to be a woman's job too.

Constantly helping prevents looking at the bigger picture and getting the grandad the help and support he needs.

Hope you are ok OP ❤

Why are people saying the OP is being unreasonable and 'cold' and 'selfish'?

Why aren't they saying this about her STEPFATHER, her mother's husband? Or his OTHER family? Why only OP? Because she's a woman and you expect her as a woman to do this, and not men?

My late mother, who I helped last year, never asked any of her daughters to help with caring for my grandmother, I was mid 20s when granny died. She would never have done that.

Impossible to say as you have given zero context. Do you work and have no spare time? Are you disabled and it’s a genuine stretch for you to do such an activity? Do you have some fear of bedding/laundry? Do you have a fear of dying people? Do you dislike being with your mother?

So, who knows if YABU or YANBU?

I detest laundry, but once helped an aunt look after a dying grandparent and sucked up the laundry and the other domestic parts as I honestly thought it was such a privilege. There were many unpleasant aspects obviously but overall it was a good experience.

Personally, I would not allow my mum to struggle changing my grandads bedding at the end of his life? I would be there for my mum, but then I’m not selfish and I adore my mum and grandad.
There has been plenty times in my past when my family have cleaned up my shit be in physical excrement or just bailing me out of life’s dramas so I would see it has pay back.

Buy some Kylie sheets that slip under grandad then only that needs Washingborough the entire thing. However you are being unreasonable and frankly rather cold. Hope your mum want relying on you in her old age!

NHS will make an assessment about carers and they were disgusting with my father's end of life care, hospice was absolutely amazing but very hard to get a place there.

The council were also great but NHS were awful - they don't want to provide carers, they want to do as little as possible and it means elderly people being put in impossible situations. How can frail elderly people look after partners with incontinence and pain issues? They arent young and strong people any more themselves and the NHS expect them to look after dying relatives around the clock at home with minimal support.

No. You don't have to do that just because you are a woman.

I voted ‘YABU’, but I would be the same as you. I wouldn’t want to help, and I would probably try and get out of helping.

unfortunately, it is really selfish though as your Mum must be having such a tough time trying to do everything.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to help though.