Page 19 | To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

NimbleBee · 2025-04-30T08:30:29+00:00

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months. I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness. My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more. Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not. My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM. I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time. Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

XWKD · 30/04/2025 12:27

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 12:25

Wrong, read OP's posts, she HAS been helping her! She says she can no longer do it.

Since she has been helping, she IS in a position because her SD hasn't helped AT...ALL!!

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Read the OP's posts. She's not helping her anymore.

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 12:27

EntropyCentral · 30/04/2025 12:26

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out

To be fair, he's not related to the grandparent so I can understand his reticence. And I speak as someone who has had to deal with my mils personal care. I've done it when there has been absolutely no other option. I'm not a stranger to giving personal care as I have a disabled adult daughter who is doubly incontinent but that's somehow different. I've been changing her nappies since she was a baby. I find cleaning up after an elderly non-relative a completely different kettle of fish.

No, but he is the husband of his wife. And so, hence should be helping her.

EntropyCentral · 30/04/2025 12:26

I guess it’s classed as women’s work hey? No reason that this should fall on op. Her step dad should be helping out

To be fair, he's not related to the grandparent so I can understand his reticence. And I speak as someone who has had to deal with my mils personal care. I've done it when there has been absolutely no other option. I'm not a stranger to giving personal care as I have a disabled adult daughter who is doubly incontinent but that's somehow different. I've been changing her nappies since she was a baby. I find cleaning up after an elderly non-relative a completely different kettle of fish.

Christmasmorale · 30/04/2025 12:26

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 12:21

So if others say no you pick up the slack? Would you not say to family that a carer should be paid for. Why does it fall to women to do this difficult work. Have you ever come across women watching tv whilst the men wiped backsides and cleaned up and made meals? There are many threads here about family not helping and an op having to do it all. The op gets kindness but not much on this thread.

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If a carer is affordable then I would also suggest that, yes but would help in the meantime while arrangements for a carer were made.

However OP didn’t suggest a paid carer - she refused to help on the basis that others weren’t helping so my response was to that reason.

TakeMe2Insanity · 30/04/2025 12:26

Tourmalines · 30/04/2025 09:43

Your mother is 70 years old, her father is dying, she’s changing his bedsheets and she asked you for help and you said no , shame on you.

This.

You are making a stand but you are hurting no one other than your mum. If others wanted to hell they would and now you’ve joined them.

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 12:25

XWKD · 30/04/2025 12:15

Your not in a position to criticise your step father. Just like him, you're not helping her.

Wrong, read OP's posts, she HAS been helping her! She says she can no longer do it.

Since she has been helping, she IS in a position because her SD hasn't helped AT...ALL!!

DancefloorAcrobatics · 30/04/2025 12:23

If you can't help, make sure you get her the help she needs.

By the sounds of it, he's on palliative care, just speak to the nurses. There is a solution to this.

As for anyone criticising, it's not easy watching a loved one die... OP probably has a multitude of emotions, so no need to be harsh!

DancefloorAcrobatics · 30/04/2025 12:23

If you can't help, make sure you get her the help she needs.

By the sounds of it, he's on palliative care, just speak to the nurses. There is a solution to this.

As for anyone criticising, it's not easy watching a loved one die... OP probably has a multitude of emotions, so no need to be harsh!

Christmasmorale · 30/04/2025 12:22

henbethma · 30/04/2025 12:19

I've just realised that women are treated as a special caste - like the Dalits ("untouchables") in the bad old days of the Indian caste system: they're the ones expected to clear up the shit - it's just their "natural" role !

In many families yes, but this isn’t the time to make a point about societal gender expectations. You only get one chance to be there for someone at the end of their life (presuming OP and her grandad were close) - it’s not the time to make a point on principle. This is end of life care. My husband is doing the same right now sadly - and doing the care because it’s his family and he cares (not waiting for a woman to step up).

Blobbitymacblob · 30/04/2025 12:22

I think you are helping if you can light a fire under your step dad and other relatives and get them to step up more.

Having helped care for a much loved, double incontinent relative, I can honestly say that those on the front lines don’t have the emotional bandwidth to recruit help and support. Just asking, was stretching resources and being refused added hugely to the burden.

It’s not unreasonable to say no, just be careful how you say it. And if you can direct your available energy to finding more support for your dm, that’s actually a good thing,

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 12:21

Christmasmorale · 30/04/2025 12:17

No, it’s because we can only control our own actions not others. If you’ll only help when others equally are helping then just go right ahead and admit you’re selfish and you just want an excuse not to help.

If everyone thought like OP and her step dad we wouldn’t have volunteers, Foodbanks, the nhs etc. We can’t wait for other people to stop being selfish dicks before we step up and care, step up and do our own part. It’s selfish thinking like this that means we have egomaniacs like Trump elected because people start voting on an individual rather than community basis.

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So if others say no you pick up the slack? Would you not say to family that a carer should be paid for. Why does it fall to women to do this difficult work. Have you ever come across women watching tv whilst the men wiped backsides and cleaned up and made meals? There are many threads here about family not helping and an op having to do it all. The op gets kindness but not much on this thread.

BelfastBard · 30/04/2025 12:21

henbethma · 30/04/2025 12:19

I've just realised that women are treated as a special caste - like the Dalits ("untouchables") in the bad old days of the Indian caste system: they're the ones expected to clear up the shit - it's just their "natural" role !

You’re just realising that women are expected to take on the bulk of caring responsibilities in society? Where have you been?

henbethma · 30/04/2025 12:19

I've just realised that women are treated as a special caste - like the Dalits ("untouchables") in the bad old days of the Indian caste system: they're the ones expected to clear up the shit - it's just their "natural" role !

glittereyelash · 30/04/2025 12:19

placemats · 30/04/2025 11:07

I was 63 when lifting my very unsteady mum in and out of the bed, by this time carers were in for personal wash and cream only and mum had a proper hospital type bed by then.

Family helped with getting the care needed. I was happy doing that for her until it became too dangerous and she got the catheter.

She was end of life though but in own home.

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I was 32 helping my mum with end of life care. It was during covid so there was no support from carers until her final 3 days. She was at home also. I'm lucky I had aunts and my dad and brothers to help and support me. I would help any family member or friend in a similar situation.

RareMaker · 30/04/2025 12:18

BitOutOfPractice · 30/04/2025 09:56

Why couldn’t you help? Jeez I’d have helped a stranger in these circumstances, let alone my struggling mom.

what your step dad does or doesn’t do is irrelevant to your decision not to help.

your poor mom.

Agree.

Christmasmorale · 30/04/2025 12:17

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 11:40

Why are people saying the OP is being unreasonable and 'cold' and 'selfish'?

Why aren't they saying this about her STEPFATHER, her mother's husband? Or his OTHER family? Why only OP? Because she's a woman and you expect her as a woman to do this, and not men?

No, it’s because we can only control our own actions not others. If you’ll only help when others equally are helping then just go right ahead and admit you’re selfish and you just want an excuse not to help.

If everyone thought like OP and her step dad we wouldn’t have volunteers, Foodbanks, the nhs etc. We can’t wait for other people to stop being selfish dicks before we step up and care, step up and do our own part. It’s selfish thinking like this that means we have egomaniacs like Trump elected because people start voting on an individual rather than community basis.

cloudydays2 · 30/04/2025 12:17

YABU but I can also see your point, I think for the sake of your grandad and mum I would help.

XWKD · 30/04/2025 12:15

Your not in a position to criticise your step father. Just like him, you're not helping her.

RatalieTatalie · 30/04/2025 12:14

YABU - if everyone acts like you and your stepfather, the jobs don't cease to exist, they just get left to your mum.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 12:12

LuannDe · 30/04/2025 12:03

I think it’s shameful not to help. I am a mum of three, twin toddlers and a baby, and if my Mum asked I would come running. And yes, I’ve been in a similar situation in the past when I worked full time and a Grandparent was in the last weeks of life. You step up and help your poor Mum.

Edited

In your thinking - If your kids are girls you’ll soon have three housework helpers.

Christmasmorale · 30/04/2025 12:12

Refusing to help but judging others - what a saint you are.

Meanwhile, your mum still needs help. Your grandad still needs help. Think about what you can do to help and offer that, instead of moaning about what others aren’t doing to help. As right now, all you’re doing is adding to your mum’s emotional load without easing her physical load.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 30/04/2025 12:10

RareGoalsVerge · 30/04/2025 10:12

Of course you shouldn't have to do this. Frankly, neither should your mum. Yanbu to say no. If your grandad doesn't have assets sufficient to pay for the care he needs then he gets a needs assessment and the appropriate care is provided. If he does have the assets sufficient to sepf-fund his care needs, and family members choose to do the work themselves to avoid that money being spent, then that is within the choice of each individual. Your mum can step away and refuse to provide this service.

YANBU, everybody is free to set their own boundaries.
I don’t understand why your mum is doing it herself to be honest, why not pay for carers? Regardless, she shouldn’t pressure you to do something just because she accepted to do
it herself.
Also, I would be more inclined to lend a hand if I felt that everybody was equally involved, definitely not if I am the only one expected to.

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 12:10

DoRayMeMeMe · 30/04/2025 11:44

So you can recognize that your step Dad is a selfish shit, and then decided to replicate his actions, but think you doing it is tickety boo?

Your SD is a useless shit, and so are you. Get your finger out and help your mother for God’s sake.

The OP has ALREADY been helping. She has DONE HER BIT.

Time for his family to do theirs. OP's shift is over!

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 12:09

LuannDe · 30/04/2025 12:03

I think it’s shameful not to help. I am a mum of three, twin toddlers and a baby, and if my Mum asked I would come running. And yes, I’ve been in a similar situation in the past when I worked full time and a Grandparent was in the last weeks of life. You step up and help your poor Mum.

Edited

You are not shaming the man here.

Women are made to feel bad not men.

LinesAndLinesAndLinesAndLines · 30/04/2025 12:09

Unless there is some almighty drip feed coming, I think If you are there and able to help then yes it’s unreasonable of you to say no, especially if it’s to try and prove some point about your step dad not helping out, he should be helping of course he should but he’s not and your mum is 70 and looking after her dying father, save the sniping and help her.