To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

It doesn't matter. Carers aren't related to their clients either.

SD is related (married) to OP's mother, and as such, should be helping his wife.

And a man who lives a carefree life with no responsibilities should help not force a young woman (most likely wife and mother herself) who would work and has child responsibilities.

And, in addition, I'm sure the granddad would feel more comfortable with a male doing than a female.

We don't even know what kind of relationship OP has with her mum and her grandfather. It's OP's mum's decision to provide this hands-on personal care to her dad, but not everyone can do this. OP has already helped twice this week, so why shouldn't her retired step-dad step up and help his own wife?

You just reach the end of your tether when faced with tough tasks all the time and others sitting around doing nothing. It’s natural. The others should help. If not this can lead to carer burn out.

I actually would do this if I lived nearby. I did it for our elderly next door neighbour. I would always lend a helping hand to anyone if asked. End of life care is extremely hard, especially if you are elderly yourself. It takes a huge physical and emotional toll on the one doing most of the care. I would never allow my mum to struggle with this, but I would also be calling out the stepfather at the same time and making him do something too. I wouldn’t just refuse to help because he isn’t, simply to make a point though. That shows a huge lack of compassion.

Maybe he should think other family members who are not stepping up should do so instead of the nearest women?

It doesn't matter. Carers aren't related to their clients either.

SD is related (married) to OP's mother, and as such, should be helping his wife.

There are other likely male family members who are not helping. They should step up but they are not being guilted.

She said she's not doing it any more.
That's not a limit

The man (if you mean the stepfather) is unrelated to the dying man in this case. Perhaps he feels OP should step up to help her grandad rather than leave it to two people in their 70s?

As OP has already helped her mum change his bedding twice this week, I think that her step-dad could step up and help his wife, as he obviously isn't busy.

Not everyone is cut out for doing this kind of personal care for a doubly incontinent elderly relative. OP's mum has obviously chosen to do this rather than employ carers or put him in a nursing home or hospice for end of life care. However, OP doesn't have to sign up for this.

I’ve not been aggressive at all, how strange.
Yes it’s up to her but I couldn’t leave my mum to
do it all particularly if her SD isn’t helping. Each to their own though.

Your step father is not related to your grandad and so may feel awkward helping. However he could step up and help your mum in other ways, cook a meal etc. Are there other family members who could lend a hand? Is the family claiming any benefits they are entitled to such as carers allowance and attendance allowance. Any local authority care available? Perhaps your mum could contact a charity such as Aid Concern which might be able to offer advice on help and benefits available? I do think you are a bit mean not to help your Mum, although it depends on what you other commitments are and I know such care is going to be quite difficult, maybe strenuous and quite distressing. I do feel sorry for you all.

He isn't related to the dying man, though. OP is.

IMO, it is OP who should help her mum with her grandad. Nothing to do with being "women's work".

In her OP she states she’s done it twice this week already..

Shame the man does not feel the same in this situation

Yet again...she IS helping. She has just set some limits around the help she can provide. That is her right; and tbh she is doing a lot more than I would do, or most posters would probably be prepared to do.

The aggressive judginess towards the OP is off the scale on this thread. I once posted on here exactly what my DS personal care involved, and MN put a trigger warning on the thread. Presumably someone complained about my post....it upsets some people's delicate sensibilities to know what is entailed, but they are happy to berate others like the OP for not doing it.

YANBU - OP you have already done it twice this week.

And I’m assuming you have work and a family?

I don’t think you mean to make things worse for your mum. You just sound as if you would like extra support.

Perhaps time to call in external carers to share the load?

For those who keep saying it is not women's work:

60% of UK carers are women

In England, women aged between 55 to 59 years provided the most unpaid care (19.9%) and women were more likely to provide unpaid care than men in every age group up to 75 - 79 years, (2021 Census).

https://www.carersfirst.org.uk/news-and-stories/women-and-unpaid-care/

I think a lot of people are being unduly harsh on you OP. I don't like dealing with anything continence related and I was worried sick when my late father was living with me in case I would have to clean him up at any point. Nobody should have to deal with the personal care of their parents, its traumatic. Worse still with grandparents. It would be better for you and your mum to get him carers who can deal with it, or a care home. Some people can deal with it, but others like me just can't. I had to clean up after my mum once and it was just awful, I still think about it to this day, it affected me so much. Get your mum to contact Age UK, they should be able to advise you on any help you can get.

I completely get where you're coming from but if my mum needed help and my grandad was going to suffer if I didn't help then yes I would change his bed for him.

Perhaps you can pop round then?

It's absolutely OK to say no OP, don't feel guilty about that OP.

Your grandfather needs an urgent care assessment, but if family members are willing to do these jobs then care won't be offered.

I am a long term carer of two family members, but have lines drawn- no personal care, no dealing with body waste- I will only offer my care in emergency situations.

Women are often the ones trapped into caring roles within a family.
I may be organised and can do stuff doesn't mean to say I have to.

No need to feel guilty OP, step back, and if no other family member wants to help, then someone needs to call adult social services- I would suggest that isn't you!!

It is not about punishing a dying man and his daughter.

By the daughter continuing to help keeps the burden on women while men get off scot free.

It is women's work:

https://www.carersuk.org/press-releases/international-women-s-day-2024-10-facts-about-women-who-are-unpaid-carers/

Your stepdad is a dick but your mum is struggling and needs help so if you can do that and sort carers to come in that will help massively. Check what resources are available to him at the very least.

Have you told your mother that she needs to ask her husband to help her? My read on this is that you feel that by always helping your mother, your SD gets a free pass to sun bathe in the garden, which isn't fair to you or to your mother. If the task is too much for her to do alone and her husband refuses to help, then I'd suggest offering an alternative before you leave her stranded. I am sure this is all enormously stressful from her but she isn't in a position to just toss her hands up and walk away.