To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

Exactly that.

is it your mum or your grandad you don't want to help?

No ..its about love and respect and loyalty to an elderly lady who is doing her best to help her father have some dignity.

Re: social services, etc.

My experience is that they’ll see a
mobile - if not necessarily fit - family member living in the same house and just leave everything up to them. Ditto other family members - though they might show an interest in ensuring that they’re mentioned in the funeral service.

What is wrong with you? She has already helped twice this week. You are not guilting the man in this situation.

Misogyny.

There are some disgusting posts on this thread. Don't feel guilty op.

Shame on you for being so judgmental. Shame on you

I genuinely believe that most comments on this thread are purposely out to antagonise. I doubt many of those posting have been in this position (and certainly not as a grandchild).

By the women continuing to rally round and doing it out of guilt, keeps the men free of judgment and free of caring duties

If it known he is in his final months, and he is doubly incontinent, and his carer is in her 70's, you are entitled to help.

If he is terminally ill this may be through continuing health care. If not, and he has more than £22,000 or so, then he might need to self fund.

But carers, NH placement and even hospice, if relevant, all exist and can be of use if you understand how to access these things. Call the council to ask for an adult social care assessment, or find a private care provider online, or get a formal estimate of life expectancy from the GP.

Neither he, nor your mother should suffer through this.

No judgement from me about you not wanting to do physical care yourself.

I’m replying to the poster in the quote who says that the stepdad isn’t related.

That is quite a bizarre thing to say. The mother is married to him so I'd say they are related...

But in most cases and most families people prefer their close family to help. The stepfather is also likely in his 70s, and the OP is very likely much younger and fitter. I'm sure he can step up in other ways but IMO it is more OPs responsibility to help her grandad than her stepfather's responsibility.

It doesn't mean he shouldn't help, but if he's retired and getting on a bit just like OPs mother then seems unfair OP is expecting them to do it all between them.

With all due respect OP what the fuck is wrong with you? All I can say is it takes a very special kind of person to walk away from a struggling elderly lady who is no doubt killing herself to do the best for a dying person. I am glad I am not special like you are cos I couldnt walk away like that. And before anyone moans about men and women's expectations it won't wash here not in this situation. It was a mum plainly asking her daughter for 5 mins of her time to help her.

You mean where they get paid, well yes of course men do caring roles if they're incapable of finding other more desirable employment so long as they get paid.

It's not nasty, it's the truth.

Sometimes a point has to be made to change things otherwise women keep being burdened and guilted.

There is a time and place for that. It is a societal issue that should be addressed at a societal level with campaigns, information, etc, not making a point which means leaving two vulnerable people in your family with no help or care.

When the time comes to do this for my dad I will not be refusing to help change his bedding just because my brother isn’t. At the same time, I will be telling my brother he needs to step up in other ways, whether that’s helping his dad pee in a bottle, going food shopping and prepping meals or simply taking our mum out for lunch to give her a break. You can address the issue at an individual level without punishing two vulnerable people.

The male family members will be well rested - you missed that part out.

Op, if your mum is struggling and your gf is soiling the bed regularly it really is time to call SS and get an assessment done.

No one should be feeling guilty for not wanting to do this. If caring was such an enjoyable pastime then the care homes and care companies wouldn't be crying out for staff.

There is no need to be so nasty.

I think there is also a huge emotional impact on the person who is dying and this is often overlooked. They can feel embarrassment and perhaps not want everyone to know about their incontinence, having to clean them up. Even in the last stages of life people often only want close family and medical professionals to help. That obviously put pressure on the people they rely on.

It is an incredibly difficult situation for the dying man and his daughter. I can't help feeling so sorry for someone dying and their relatives not wanting to help.

Attitudes have definitely changed. I know with my dad he preferred my brothers to help, whereas I took care of my mother. It is just such a desperately sad situation for everyone but I know I'd step up. I wouldn't expect a stepparent to step up instead of me if they are no relation and the same age as my mother (70s).

In these situations these jobs are always seen as womens work. Damn right why doesn’t he help? Where are the rest of the close family to help? This is extremely unfair on a 70 year old woman having to do this alone. Has she looked into carers?

Just because it's seen as women's work it shouldn't be that way no more than looking after babies and toddlers should be women's work. That's another shabby lie the successive Governments keeps getting away with. There are male carers. Anyone that allows anyone to keep saying it's womens work should be ashamed of themselves. In any case at this stage in the care concerns he should be in a hospice or entitled to some help in the home.

So when the OP’s stepdad needs help she and her dm should say no because you’re not related?

It is a bigger issue than just compassion. Men are not judged this way like women are.

Sometimes a point has to be made to change things otherwise women keep being burdened and guilted.