To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

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What if the grandfather doesn't want a man doing personal care for him?

It’s really up to you. How will you feel when your grandfather is no longer here and you know you could have helped but didnt. Your Mum is doing her very best and probably is more than capable of doing it all & just needs a couple of bits doing to help her. I cared for both my parents (who passed away within weeks of each other). Yes, it’s hard but you do it for the person in need. They can’t help themselves and don’t want to be a burden at all. It’s a kind thing to do to help people in need. What you give out in this world is what you get back.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I presume that OP doesn't live with her mum or her grandfather so it will obviously take much longer than 5 minutes to change his bedding if she has to walk or drive or get a bus there and back. OP has already done this twice this week and it's only Wednesday. Why can't her step-dad help his own wife? Surely, the grandfather would feel more comfortable with another man rather than his grandaughter.

Totally this.

This is what keeps women as carers. Men are cut so much slack they get off scot free.

It is not about making a feminist point and not caring.

It is about the prevailing attitudes that this is women's work and that women should be guilted and made to feel bad if they don't step up while this is not directed at men.

I have experienced this myself in own family. Elderly men want the women to look after them because their sons have BIG important jobs that must not be interrupted or disturbed.

Yes YABU your mums 70 years old dealing with your grandad dying emotionally and physically so you need to cut her some slack.
I can understand you being angry that you step dad is sitting on his arse and not pulling his weight but at the end of the day this isn’t about him or you and the last thing your mum needs is the stress of you two going at each other.
step up and help your mum you must think you wasn’t completely in the right or else why would you be posting on here.
Why does your mum not get help ie carers for your grandad that at least would take some of the strain for her.

Then the man can step up and other men in the family who get off scot free.

Yes, now you’ve come to mention it… my dad got 4x daily carer visits when nearing end of life. @NimbleBeedefinitely look into this or get your mum to.

Only directed at the woman not the man.

It's probably a bed soaking in wee and poo...

The mum needs to engage carers to help daily.

I've been an active feminist for about 50 years: just hadn't made the link with Dalits before - both castes being expected to clear up literal shit so others don't need to.

Would be nice if people would read other people's posts more carefully and not be so quick to condemn !

So stepdad gets off scot free while OP, who actually has helped, is vilified? Get a grip.

YABU your mum needed help just as much your grandad . We don't stay young forever, maybe one day you may need help as well.

The stepdad doesn't sound great, that's for sure, and he probably expect his wife to help if it was his dad.

However, it isn't his dad and it is the OP's grandad... & her mum that needs help.

Some don’t do it ‘out of guilt’. They do it because they actually care about people. I guess that’s the difference between people. Some care; some don’t and would rather let someone vulnerable suffer to make a feminist point. I’m not one of those people. It appears you and maybe the OP are. I’m out of this thread now. I don’t want to keep reading this selfish bullshit.

As much as I loathe a man who won't share the load with his wife, and he should be though not necessarily with changes. The man dying is your grandfather and your DMs father, not your step-dads, and should be given the dignity of being changed by his family who love him, or a professional.

If your DM can't do it by herself, her DH won't or is not wanted to, and you can't or won't then you atleast need to step up and get the care in or the hospice place that is clearly needed.

Surely - this is her point.

A thought - a good GP might be able to organise Hospital at Home if it’s available for the OP’s area.

Your poor, poor mum.

Having to cope with this while the pair of you squirm out of helping her.

Words fail me.

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What exactly do you hope to achieve by being petty and whining it's not fair about your step dad? Because I'm telling you now, if you think you're going to successfully guilt trip your step dad into helping, you're very wrong. All you've done is make your mum feel shit and alone during an already awful time.

He needs a care assessment. From the sound of it it could be 4 times per day at his stage. Contact the GP and adult social services.

Please don’t listen to the people telling you to step up when no one else in your family is helping your DM and they are ‘letting the women’ sort of out for them.

having said that, double incontinence is the point at when a care home with round the clock care by two able bodied and trained people can really come into it’s own.

People praise providing care at home but a care home would allow your mother to go back to providing company for her father and not make her his servant. It’s really not good to have the caring relationship only with parents as they near the end of their life.

all the best.