To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I see 34% think YANBU

She has helped but says that there are other family that haven’t helped. Don’t you think that those who haven’t help should step up?

Perhaps there are loads of other relatives around to help but DM won’t ask them, why doesn’t she ask StepF -typical women landed with it.

Nor me. It astonishes me that anyone would refuse to help their mum in this situation.

So the solution is to let the poor woman doing it struggle on alone???
This is her mother we are talking about, not a paid carer or something (not sure that would make it any better, but....).
She should help her mother - and see if another solution can be found in parallel.

Personally I think YABU. I would 1000% help. Your grandad might not want your stepdad changing his bedding, I’m not convinced my grandad would want my stepdad doing this. Regardless though, I wouldn’t sit back and watch my mum struggle as she watched her dad die.

So you think ok that other family opt out but that the OP can’t say I’ve done this too much and others should pull their weight?

It's obviously been her mum's decision to care for her father herself. As this is end of life care, he could be in a hospice or a nursing home but her mum is choosing to do all the personal care herself. However, she can't expect her daughter to do this, very unpleasant, personal care if she doesn't want to. OP has already helped her twice this week so it's not like she is doing nothing, unlike her mum's husband.

The last thing that I would want if I was doubly incontinent is for any of my children or grandchildren to be dealing with this.

I'd start by asking yourself what are you hoping to do? Get others to step up? Have everyone share these tasks?

The thing is, you can't control what others do/don't do, only your own reactions. In a situation like this, I'd suggest thinking about how your mum feels. She's taken on a mammoth task of caring for someone in their final days/weeks/months which includes what is a very physically and emotionally tough job, often thankless and deeply related to duty, kindness and service.

Your Mum is telling you she needs you. She's 70 and this whole experience probably reminds her of her own mortality too. This is a chance to be with her and help her through the coming weeks. This is not about tit for tat of who did what, but being there with your family during a hard time. I'd take a deep breath, talk to your Mum about what types of supports are most important/needed and then look at how you can help with these. Maybe then you could also encourage others to help with things your Mum needs. Their responses shouldn't make you do less in protest. That protest only hurts your Mum.

This is a chance to step up @NimbleBee. That doesn't mean you are available 24/7 but it does mean you help someone whose doing so much, have a lighter load. One day most of us will be in the same boat.

Good luck!

Yes I would have helped. Your poor mother looking after her dying father & being refused support.

Or.....or....as a family, decide on an acceptable and sustainable plan such as a package of care.

OP should not have to do this for her grandfather or her mother.

I did not have children so that they could do this for me. Nor would I expect it. I would much rather have a stranger do personal care than subject my family to it or dramatically alter our relationship

It’s true that as a rule men don’t pull their weight regarding care tasks (amongst many other things). But when a relative is dying and potentially uncomfortable it is not the right moment to make a stand against this.

Yes. He did. As did my mother.

So maybe you could also take your own advice and not assume your experience is universal.

No it's not how my family functions and no I do not think it's a women's work. Quite the assumption you've made.
What I do think is that Op should step up and held her mum because nobody else is and why take the same attitude as the rest of her lazy family.
My answer would be exactly the same if Op was male.

The OPs mother asked her for help with her dying father /grandfather.

Irrelevant what other resources or people are around. No misogyny, sexist behaviour - one human to another, male or female, anyone with an ounce of compassion or human decency would not refuse.

Exactly this.

The men get to be useless so the women have to step up hence the majority of unpaid care is done by women.

No I'm saying if she's close with her mum and they have a good relationship she probably wants to help her out because it's assumed that her mum helps her too hence the good relationship. I literally said otherwise not to do it if it makes her uncomfortable. And I said not to help the step dad with anything!

It’s his wife that needs help, if he’s that concerned he could help her himself. We have no idea whether OP works full time or has kids, if she does then I think it’s very unreasonable to expect her to come every day and change bedding while there’s a perfectly able bodied man there who could do so, but is busy sunbathing instead.

Regardless of whether OP has other commitments, she’s already been twice this week so far to help out, speaking as a HCP, who performs intimate care, no one is obligated to do so. It’s nice if people will, and most people will do so if they have no other choice, but OP should not be guilt tripped into doing regular care for someone who is doubly incontinent just because her mum is doing so. If her mum is struggling she needs to get carers in or maybe her husband could help her out.

He got the choice who did his personal care? I have known several people who had no choice with council carers.

Don't assume that is the case for everybody.

This has got nothing to do with whether men should help or not, more to do with who has enough common decency to. So step dad seems to be a lazy good for nothing. Doesn’t mean the OP has to stoop as low

When my grandma was unwell before she died my mum's brothers were useless as were my cousins and my own brother, I helped, my dad who is her EX husband helped, not for my gran who want the nicest person, not because others shouldn't have been helping, but because my mum needed the support.

Women should do the care for the sake of maintaining relationships while the men get off scot free.

Could you call some sort of family meeting and make a support plan for your Mum that involves everyone?

Plus: look into carers, palliative care team, disposable pads, incontinence underwear etc as appropriate, to help make life easier all round.

Yes. Just been through this with my own father.