To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I agree. This thread is a masterclass in why the stepdad won't help - because he doesn't bloody have to. Society, and other women, will walk past the sunbathing stepdad to make sure OP knows she's a terrible selfish person for not helping.

Sure, they might tut at the stepdad too, but what can you do? Men, eh? Then they'll just get on with the process of doing the work for him, leaving him to nap.

Raise the bar, Ladies.

I have had trouble dealing with baby's nappies for my own dgc. I gag over faecal leaks from my aging DH . I would not expect my daughter to help. Decent incontinence pants should help. The step father could help with putting a laundry load on but perhaps he has no history with the father in law?

I can't imagine being married to someone who ignores me and sun bathed in the garden whilst I struggle with my parent. Would never ask grandchildren to help either. No way would I want grandchildren to look after me in a personal care capacity.

Be happy to chat with them and would strive to look my best.

I expect they’re paying for it. No idea why you think it’s funny.

Just because someone is your grandad doesnt mean they are worthy of care. My friend was abused very badly by her grandad.

When he was sick and dying, she never went near him

My own grandad wasnt extremely abusive. But he was very cold and uncaring and distant to me. He died suddenly. But if he was sick for a long time i would not have looked after him. I would have visited him. But i would have got carers to look after him

They are not non existent at all 😂I have several neighbours and family members who have currently having care. I would not call that non existent.

Services aren’t there to help. They’re virtually non existent. And if you’re lucky enough to get them they’re a maximum of four times a day. Strangely they’re not arranged to be supplied in coordination with clients’ bowel movements.

That is this week. Nobody knows how many other occasions she has helped,

That is fine if you couldn't help. Not everyone is you.

OP has already been helping, We don't know what is going in her life.

The ideal scenario is to get carers in rather than burdening the women while the men sit back.

If it took minutes and was easy then why does a 70 year old not frail or elderly woman need help?

Word to the wise. Looking after frail, elderly end of life requires help from carers.

This. All these people carrying on like if you’ve changed a baby’s nappy you should have no problem dealing with what a grown adult produces. Yeah, right. 😂

She’s done it twice.

I couldn’t watch my Mum & Grandad struggle like that and not help. It must be both physically and mentally difficult for your Mum to nurse her father in the last stage of his life. It must also be embarrassing for your grandad not only to be doubly incontinent, but also being incapable to clean himself up. Nobody is the winner in this situation- help them out, I’m sure they’ve offered you kindness when you’ve needed help.

Sometimes you cannot help someone until they help themselves. Services are there to help.

The OP has been helping while the stepdad has been sunbathing. Try reading the OP.

Her mum chose to have a baby, which comes with responsibility for changing shitty nappies. I'm sure that if OP has children, she has changed hundreds of shitty nappies herself. Just because OP's nappies were changed by her mum, it doesn't mean that OP needs to change shitty nappies for elderly relatives. Doing personal care for elderly relatives is a choice. OP's mum made that choice. OP hasn't.

Also, there is absolutely no comparison with changing a baby's shitty nappy and that of an old man. I have changed hundreds of babies' nappies with my own children, my grandchildren and when I worked as a childminder. I couldn't do it for an elderly person.

What a great excuse. Her mum’s going to carry on whether or not she gets help. All refusing to help achieves is making it harder for her.

I think both you and your stepdad are being pretty horrible refusing to help your mum at this time (unless a massive drip feed is coming?).

Helping the DM keeps both women in the caring role while the men get on with their lives.

The bigger picture needs to be examined by both MEN and women in the family regarding care.

It's not an idealogy, it's real life, it's the poor treatment ans over expectations heaped upon real women all the time, everywhere, it ruins THEIR lives.

OP saying no doesn't mean her GF will not have help, it just forces the issue to find more appropriate care.

This is not her responsibility, it's not her mother's responsibility either.

I’ve been a feminist longer than you’ve been alive. Your version isn’t one I recognise.

Keep the women in the caring role while the men get off scot free.

It is nothing to do with feminism ideology. This is exactly the kind of misogynist claptrap that some women dish out to other women.

You get round there and clean the grandad up.

Good nobody wants you to be part of feminism. Stick with the misogynists where you belong.

So women should burden themselves otherwise it would be barbaric? Yet nothing about the men not contributing?

I myself had to step back from caring for an elderly man. The man wanted me to do it because his son had a BIG IMPORTANT JOB. The more I did the less the son did. It was only when I stepped back that the son did more.

Was it barbaric that I didn't drive myself into the ground caring for him while the son carried on with his life as normal?

You dont have to do anything that you dont want to do. Or that you are not able to do. My elderly mum broke her arm. When she came out of hospital i didnt help her. I got shouted at by my aunty for being "selfish".

I pointed out to my aunt - that i lived three hours away and that i was working full time. My aunt didnt ring my brother, who lived nearer to mum, and call him selfish.

Its always women who are expected to just drop everything and take on caring reaponsibilities.

Like how your mum is asking you to do it, yet she doesnt ask her husband to do anything.