To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

I was going to say this @LegoTherapy @NimbleBee - it isn’t women’s work, but many men would not want an unrelated man helping with intimate care. But obviously OP, your Mum needs help!

As you had said your grandad is terminally ill and incontinent your mum needs help to change the bed.
I would help her. This is not about what others doesn't do. It is about what you can do about it. Unless you live like 20 miles away or have a something that doesn't allow you to move bedding around I think you are making the wrong decision.

This is how women are kept in caring roles while men get off scot free.

Forgot to explain that I was also caring for DH, a stroke victim.

She is not being unreasonable to not want to keep helping.

The stepdad is not supporting his wife. He is busy sunbathing.

The answer is not the women keep doing everything. Sometimes a crisis is needed for change to happen,

He is dying, it is not as if you are going to face endless years of this. Yes. I understand that is not pleasant but think about your mum, step up and help her.

I suppose you have no real experience of caring for others.

When does a woman's caring responsibility ever end? Doing the lion's share of childcare/rearing and cleaning your parents up when you are in your 70's? Funny how the men almost always just opt out of this and leave it with the women. Regardless of this, the OP's grandad needs 2x carers while he is EOL. It is awful for a woman in her 70's to be burdened with cleaning up after her own father; her father would probably feel more dignified having carers that are strangers changing his pads and not his own daughter. This kind of pressure at that age can send people into an early grave, I know of older people who have became ill themselves whilst caring for others and the person they are caring for outliving them. OP's mum needs some respite at the very least.

Yes why bother the other family members? Let the OP and her mum drive themselves into the ground while others get off scot free,

Step dad should be doing that. He chooses to sun bathe instead. Why should grand children be involved?

Everyone, including you, is being unreasonable here.

Your grandad needs experienced, professional carers.

You and your step-dad need to either help your mum or make the necessary arrangements to get carers in to lift this burden off your mum. She's dealing with the decline of her father and probably feeling a huge amount of grief and guilt and obligation to provide care. It's heartless to leave her to do what she's doing.

The rest of you need to step up and support her.

This.

Re availability of care.

When I had a shoulder op, I tried to organise respite for Mum and extra help around the house.

Mum’s respite was cancelled. Care company had no extra capacity to help at home.

I just had to suck it up.

Lots of people here who clearly have zero experience of caring for a double incontinent old man. OP your mum should not be doing this on her own, but her choice- because it is a choice- to do this does not obligate the whole family. Contact your local adult social services and request an urgent care assessment. There are several services that can be involved in his care.

When my mum was end of life care all the family pitched in, I’m a nurse but retired as disabled but my sister, her husband and various relatives all pitched in. Her brother didn’t help with personal care as my mum would have hated that. Looking back two years later I’m glad we all helped. Even when the home care team took over we still pitched in and I don’t doubt anyone found it a pleasant experience dealing with incontience

maybe you could buy bed pads, ask to speak with your district nurses for advice to incontience aids

Yes this always happens!

Anytime that my mum has been sick or had surgery, ive been expected (by other women in my family) to look after her.

They never ask my brother to do anything

Yes your family members are wrong for not helping out, but you should help your poor mum and grandad.

This is the kind of crap designed to make women feel guilty.

Meanwhile the step dad is sunning himself while the women are struggling.

🙄

Unfortunately, men get away with not pulling their weight because all the anger is directed at other women instead of them, it’s just accepted they are useless while other female relatives are guilted into stepping in. This just enables men to carry on doing nothing and it go unchallenged because there’s always a woman on hand to do their part.

I remember being heavily berated for not offering to cook, clean, do the shopping etc for my brother, dad and mum after she had surgery. This was despite me not living with them and my brother and dad being able bodied and working less hours than me. They’d even drafted my brother’s girlfriend who didn’t live there into doing chores, which was used against me.

I was baffled at the time that I apparently should have known between the two of them they apparently couldn’t manage to cover the basic life admin and tasks my mum usually did and would need my assistance. When I pointed this out I was told I was selfish and I wouldnt be helping them I would be helping my mum.

Of course when I had surgery twice and my wife had surgery there were no offers of help from anyone because as women it’s assumed we can cope on our own (we can but it shows the hypocrisy here).

They all have and now OP’s joined in.

No, the mum's husband and her father's other living relatives who haven't lifted a finger and assumed the little women would take care of it are the ones who are making her mum feel shit and alone.

You have decided you have done enough. Sit with that thought. Your choice.

OP has done her bit, she probably has children, a husband, a career. While the SD sits on his arse. And the other relatives do nothing. Why don't you shame his other family members who are not lifting a finger to help him have dignity? OP has done her bit!

Some of the posters are more misogynist than men.