DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

Stop this right away. He doesn't "visit" DD in your home. He takes her 50% of the time for her contact time with him. During that time he provides everything she needs, from food and a bed, to toys and clothes, including school uniform for when he takes her to school the next day.

He is no longer part of your family. The house is your space now, even if it'll be sold as a marital asset. He doesn't get to come in and out of your life cherry-picking the best bits of parenting, whilst leaving you with all the grunt work and taking the opportunity to dish out emotional abuse to you at the same time.

Fuck that shit OP. Lock the door and leave your key in the lock, don't let him in for even a second when he comes to collect DD. Hand her over at the door and don't send her with things like toys, pyjamas, clothes for the next day or a lunchbox for school. It's on him to provide all that and make her packed lunch in the morning. If his flat is one-bedroom, he'll have to turn the living room into a bedroom for himself and give DD the bedroom.

Yes @DreamySlothTHIS!! I would be all over these books right now , I’d be telling him that I am co owner and he can like it or lump it. Get a good solicitor stop letting him manipulate you!!

This.

Please try to rephrase your way of thinking about. He’s in the wrong, not you. Don’t let him talk you down, especially in your own head.

Don’t worry he would never actually want 50:50.

So do you still work for that business?

Do you get dividends?

Is he going to buy you out?

Of course he has a solicitor.

The only relevant question is - have YOU?

If not, do it today.

When you said he asked for marriage certificates the other day.....STOP DOING HIS DIVORCE ADMIN FOR HIM!!! If there's a marriage certificate and you know where it is, keep it safe, you'll need it. Let him apply for and pay for a new one. Don't help him out at all.

Ah but could he do any of it better than you if he didn't have another woman stepping into your role as his lifestyle 'support worker', doing all the grunt stuff as you've been doing?... Well, 40 years ago I was in your shoes with a baby, but my dh was also violent so I walked. I moved to a lovely house with a nightmare neighbour, so I moved on from there too.I was a creative person but my dh dismissed my talent, because ' who would want to buy your crap'? Well it seemed plenty did. My child grew, as did my business, and he sank without trace ending up a dead end job . Your dh is talking mean bollocks , designed to make you feel as you now do. SO, give your head a shake, look in the mirror and describe to yourself the very person you want to/ are going to be, and go get it. You can do this. Good luck.

Stop conversing with him about anything other than DD and when his next contact time is, OP. You're treating him like a friend, he's not, he's your awful ex.

Tell him to STFU about you "not being ambitious", whether you work or not is nothing to do with him any more. He just wants you to play the pick-me dance, get a well-paying job to "prove your worth" to him and guess what? Even if you do, he's still not coming back. He'll use your new job to argue that you're less deserving/in need of of assets etc in the divorce though. Also, that business you have is 50/50 owned so take the contacts with you for your new business if they'll go, they're your contacts too! You're not stealing them when you're taking them from yourself. Leave him to find new contacts.

He was never "working late", he was shagging OW and at the same time emotionally checked out of your relationship. They've been together a lot long let than 5 weeks. Now he's re-writing history to make you out to be the villain instead of being honest and saying he's bored of parenthood and has met someone he prefers better than you. I imagine she's also younger and child-free. He's not "house sitting" either, he's staying round his new girlfriend's house.

What he does with DD during his contact time with her is nothing to do with you. He doesn't want to do childcare that much is obvious, he wants his new girlfriend to do it. Just stop responding when he asks you this stuff, it's nothing to do with you and he's going to do whatever he wants anyway.

Make sure his contact time includes weekdays or at least don't let him have every weekend. He needs to do some of the basic boring parenting too, not just be Disney Dad.

Remember that whilst he might consider the business to be mostly his (morally), as he has actively done more of the day to day work, he has only been able to do this, because you were looking after his child. If you hadn’t done that, he would have had to do more child care himself, thus leaving less time for his work. He probably won’t see it see that way, so make sure you get a good lawyer, who can get that message across.

Well he's clearly failed if he had any ambitions of being a great father and husband. Or even a decent one. What a loser.

DH would be terrified if you did score a top job. He’s weak and silly.

How often is he coming to you? What is the purpose of these visits? Surely he should be focused on seeing his child? If he’s not I question if he’s using the visits to try and manipulate you/keep you in “your place” in relation to your next steps, which should be getting a good solicitor to argue for financial support and your part of the business

He's a wanker. He was struggling and you supported him. Now he's not struggling hrs taking the opportunity to elevate himself and belittle you. He needs to make you less than to big himself up and stroke his own ego. What a horrible, sad, little man.

When is he saying all this shit? I wouldn't engage with him about anything other than contact with the child. If he starts talking to you about you shut it down. You need some quick replies..

Where not together so my lack of ambition really isn't your concern. Let keep conversations about DC.

I really don't care for your opinion on that let's take about DC.

If he's texting you this shit I'd just 👍or👌him.

He's getting something put of the interaction. He's boosting his ego off of your back or he likes having the power to make you feel bad. Don't give him that power. He's a nasty, cheating, two timing, condescending dickhead.

As for the work. It's your business 50:50. You made decisions as a couple and he changed the goal posts. You should get a job for your own emotional wellbeing and independence. However, it's very rich talking about your lack of ambition when he's only seeing his kid twice a week and making you tied to the school run and parenting. He doesn't even want to that alone that's why he needs to introduce the nanny with a fanny so quickly.

Anyhow, he's a wanker. Stop listening to his shit. He's nothing special. He can't even be loyal.

"House sitting" = Shacked up with the new bird....

I agree with everyone else in that he was cheating on you, and this whole 'You're not ambitious enough' was a cover story for leaving you for her.

@TheHerboriste Hold on......you're not expecting women to juggle & handle everything that Oldglasses pointed out AND also have a full time job???

Also agree with @ThreeLocusts . Maybe he was disappointed that you weren't contributing as much financially what he'd like, but at the same time, some men don't really know what they want from a woman. I wonder if that applies to him too.

A part of them wants her to be the sort of stay-at-home housewife mother figure as that makes them feel good and dominant.....but then they also find it a turn-off as fundamentally they don't respect what women do in the domestic sphere.

It also requires them to be the breadwinnner, which means that if they're not particularly generous generally, as people, they'll be really analysing carefully what their money is getting them. Unless everything is perfect and they get their way most of the time, they're prone to getting resentful and feel the woman is sponging off him and taking advantage of his good character.

Those conflicted men are also prone to that because they want someone more 'ambitious', someone who matches the high regard their hold themselves in, some who matches their own success.....but when they get that, they feel emasculated and a little envious that their mates' partners are more domestically orientated.

For the time being, his girlfriend will fulfil the later need, but I wonder how long it will take for the shine to wear off.

Also, it's irresponsible and emotionally insensitive to introduce his girlfriend to your daughter this soon. That's a red flag, and shows he's incapable of understanding the way that children think & feel about these scenarios.

Some great advice on here. I know it's really hard but you can control what you respond to.

Like others have said, get all your paperwork in order and get legal and financial advice.

Only communicate with him on matters concerning the business or your child.

If he starts with the "go getter" nonsense then ignore or shut it down. Tbh he sounds like he's headed for a fall, swung too far into over confidence. Balanced people don't behave like that.

This

So much good advice.
So much support here.
Just to reinforce your to do list.
Solicitor+/- forensic accountant
Advice about the business. (Your joint business not his, try to get as much info as possible).
No access for him to the house - grey rock if you need to but this is your space. If you know you'll need to sell start by emotionally separating yourself from the house and get your own space asap. Hard but it will make you feel so much better.
Set up 50:50 care plan asap. Or at least one which is set in stone so you get time off to work / sort all the above.
Self worth - start doing a yoga or pilates class. Often wonderfully supportive and lovely people.
Read a good book that will help you recover and plan with hope- WE by Gillian Anderson is good. Perhaps others could recommend too.
You can absolutely do this and you do not owe him anything at all.
Chin up, know you are loved - look at all these total strangers who are telling you you can do it!! Hell, if you lived anywhere near me I'd turn up with a bottle of gin!!
There's no point in wasting life or energy on arseholes. Its a choice and you can and will surround yourself with people you like and everyone else can f right off. Xxx

Every time he starts to lecture you, just stop him immediately. Say "spare me the lecture" or "you're in no position to lecture me, so stop it now" or "just fuck off with your demeaning and pathetic lecturing
Your choice...

I think you should engage a solicitor asap. If you're a share-holder in the business, then you will need a pay off if he wants you out of it. Do not simply resign and leave him to it,

You don't need to listen to his lectures any more. Don't engage with him. Insist he sees his DD outside of your home. Agree a schedule with him when he has your DD. You can't stop him introducing a girlfriend, so don't even try.

Take control of the situation you are in now. Seek legal advice. Be cordial and matter of fact when he's collecting/dropping off your DD. Remember you own half the business, so keep a close eye on paperwork/bank balances and go not sign anything or agree to anything without legal advice

He's used your unpaid labour as a launching pad for his success and he's the worst kind of man.

However, there's nothing you can do about who he introduces to your DD when it's his parenting time.

If you do, it will be used by both of them to show that you are bitter and jealous and won't coparent. Holding on to the anger will just hurt DD in the long run.

My advice- take the high road. He has done what he has done- that's not going to change. Try to embrace (not literally, that's weird) the GF and hopefully she will be good to your DD. None of this was her fault. Try to save coparenting disagreements for the more serious stuff and let go of the differences of opinion. Use the time he has her to focus on yourself and work out what you want.

If you want revenge, get it by channelling your energy into getting everything you want rather than him.

Men NEVER leave unless they have the next guaranteed shag lined up and waiting. Never.

I'm sorry. You and your kid deserve better.

So sorry OP.

Firstly, he’s a twat. Like, a really big one. He will know that you love Christmas so that was deliberate. The constant negging is likely because he has low self-esteem so has to put you down to make himself feel better. He’ll think you’re better than him which is why he has to bring you down.

How involved a dad was he? 50:50 or someone who had to have everything handed to him ready to go> He doesn’t sound like he wants a family which is heartbreaking, but it’s not your fault. You haven’t done something to break things, he has. Family life is boring and hardwork and not everyone has the character for it. If you’re a SAHM, his inadequacies will be constantly on display around your DD. Every time she goes to you or you know where something is or you’ve remembered a birthday party, bought the present, dealt with the RSVP…every thing is a reminder he doesn’t do any of that basic stuff.

On to you. Start thinking of all the things you can do without him. Have you lost who you were before you got married & had DC? Find her again. Your house can have all the stuff he wouldn’t want, you can listen to music he didn’t like, watch what you want on the telly, paint the kitchen bright green…whatever you want to do. You’ve got 50% of the company and you’ll need that when you divorce. Make sure you have current records from Companies House and get copies of the accounts. Assume he’s going to screw you over (he’ll need all “his” money to fund his new exciting life). Blokes like him quickly change the “it’s our money” when things start going south. Don’t sign anything and make sure you get a solicitor to look over any offers he comes up with. Even if you’ve done nothing with the business, legally you are entitled to 50%. Bet you supported him when setting it up, though. You taking care of DD and the house enabled him to work.

Onwards and upwards x