DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

Hmm, this is where you need good legal advice. On the surface you may be entitled to a share of the business. Could it be split? Would you accept him buying you out (which would give you a lump sum to use to start up something else)?

Friends exh’s business didn’t even have her name anywhere on the premises or on who owned the business and it was valued and entered as a marital asset which he kept as part of the divorce settlement whilst she got the house.

You're not being unreasonable but he'll do it regardless because he must show off what a grand father he is.
Look lovely its so hard when the pain is raw and you're juggling with a little one on your own, i know I'm here doing it almost the same scenario- myself and my ex split when my lo was 11 months old. Now she's 3 and the anger and hurt I felt broke me for a long time. I tried to move on and realised that I like it on my own with my little girl. But the thing is even if you don't feel like it or don't see it, you will make it work day by day, and it'll get easier in time. If he's belittling you, achieve him like someone suggested, make it clear to him (even if it hurts you) that he is only to discuss your child and that's all. Get some legal advice too about childcare, divorce and finances day by day lovely. You will be okay and remember this your little one will also be by your side giving you strength, i know my little girl did.

He sounds insufferable. Like one of those “Podcast Bros”.

Theres three books I recommend you get;
-Why Does He Do That- Lundy Bancroft
-Kick Ass Single Mom- Emma JohnSon
-It’s My Life Now- Meg Dugan

After I separated from my partner, I was at a super low point. I’d had to leave my job prior to having my “surprise” baby so a lot had happened to ruin my self esteem. Add in some cheating and a sick child and I was at rock bottom. Self esteem truly in the bin.

You need to accept that he’s going to do his own thing but you don’t have to let that interfere with your life. The next time he has a lecture for you, grey rock him. Nod, a few “hmms” and “I’ll make a note of that .” You aren’t a pet project and none of his concern anymore to bully. Knowing his type, he’ll try to get a rise from you so the first thing will be him introducing the girlfriend.

You also need to reduce reliance on his money. Get a formal Child Maintenance order- even if lower than what he gives now. Sign on to benefits. Stop the ship from sinking in any way possible so you don’t need his money as money is control. There’s no shame in doing what you’ve got to do to steady yourself . Once cash flow is sorted, then start looking for a job. You’ll have more confidence having been single and coping for a while.

Youll also want to look at counciling. Go to your GP to get the ball rolling as the waitlist is long. It will be so helpful.

The ultimate aim will be your own place, your own income and your own life. The peace you will feel is something else. I live with my daughter and it’s just us two. I’ve never been happier. There’s no anger or sad emotions to constantly judge. We make our own home. It’s lovely.

I won’t lie. Life will suck for a bit. But you will look back in a few years and think “Thank Fuck he’s gone!”

He's doing you a favour!

I understand you are sad and feel lost, but really you are better off without him.
The I've outgrown you speech is cruel and shortsighted- you loved him before he fell on top of the world, but you didn't see the real him- he is shallow and not in the least loving, you deserve far better. Insist he does any relationship for at least 6 months before introducing DD- he is likely to go through girlfriends with an attitude like that.
It very likely is a midlife crisis, but he is definitely not worth waiting around for- you need to rebuild your life with DD without him in it, you have been very wrapped up in homelife and didn't see this coming- you need to broaden your horizons and get back in the job market, making sure DH takes his share of the childcare and responsibilities, if he loses interest make sure you get a good solicitor and and decent child maintenance payments. It's tough but you will emerge stronger and happier-good luck.

You don’t have to justify having some free time when your DD started school. You aren’t harming anyone by doing that. Presumably, DH wasn’t running the house and looking after DD, before leaving you. You may have gained a few hours a day, but still have plenty of responsibility.

Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

This feels like the epitome of gaslighting.!
You do understand op, that when he says that he is deliberately knocking your self-esteem in order to make you feel bad about yourself!

Please try not to let these spiteful comments get to you

Ask yourself why didn't he help you with your self esteem during the marriage rather than tear you down. In my life I blamed my self esteem for lack of progress in my career. But if my ex had raised me up I would have excelled. But he didn't want that because his own self esteem was in the gutter. Perhaps the same thing happened to you. You would have felt better about yourself if you weren't with him. He sounds nasty like my ex is. Give yourself time to heal and read lots of self help books. They helped me. You can do it!

You got to school for half past 2 to collect ??!

@DreamySloth

You'll be able to 'date' his affair to when he became 'dissatisfied' with your role as SAHM. Or at the very least that's when he met 'her'. This happened to my BFF. Her exH was happy to have a SAHM until he suddenly, without warning' wasn't. And he made it sound to her as if he'd always felt that way, despite previous comments on how nice it was to have everything taken care of on the homefront. It was planned so that when he lowered the boom he could blame her for it.

If your family 'hate men', right now that's GOOD! You are being passive and you need someone to light a fire under your arse. I'm not criticizing you, it's understandable. You've been dealt a heavy blow of course you're reeling. But now is not the time for that. Remember he is most likely 'months and miles' ahead of you on the road you've just taken your first steps on.

You will have time later to reel, to wonder 'what the fuck just happened'. But right now you need to see a solicitor PRONTO! You may be assured that he certainly has! And is making financial plans to his advantage. Possibly hiding assets and working to devalue the business to avoid child maintenance or to lower any 'buy out' you may demand. You need to be doing the same thing, making financial plans to your own advantage.

I know you will miss your DD. But you also need time to yourself to 'debrief' and 'decompress'. And to get used to the new normal. As far as posters saying "Give him 50/50. That'll show him!!". Him having DD, regardless of how often, isn't about punishment and it certainly isn't going to make him say "Oh what a mistake I just made!". He's got his little chippy and he will expect her to step up as his 'nanny with a fanny'. And she probably will, more fool her.

You will get through this. 1000s of us have before you and 1000s of us will after you. Just remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It will take time, pain, and hard decisions. But you will come out the other end strong, safe, and determined. And happier.

@DreamySloth I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you need to initiate divorce proceedings asap - this should protect you from being liable for his costs at the end of the proceedings. Pls do so asap.

OP, this is not necessarily a disaster. And you don't necessarily have to run out and immediately get a job.

The most important question imo is - what assets do you both have? What money do you have access to in order to cover your expenses (legal and living) in the short-term until the divorce settlement has been finalised?

God he sounds like a narcissistic nightmare and a cocky bastard. Amphetamines might be boosting him and then he might come down on them at the end of the day. It's possible to have ADHD and also be an unbelievable prick.

He will actually be very vulnerable underneath the bravado but don't puncture his confidence as long as he's paying the bills. Cut off his stupid, pompous lectures. Focus on you now.

I don’t know how this is helpful to the OP or her situation? Good for you, but you’re just twisting the knife. No need. You come across as cruel and sanctimonious about the great decisions you’ve made when someone else is in a bad situation and is already suffering with crippling self esteem.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem...

Well of course that's the reason because if it wasn't your fault, then he'd just be some prick who's abandoned his family and his responsibilities because he's had his head turned.

Well he was obviously seeing her before then, always the way with cheating lying pricks

You are a SAHM to facilitate his career and then all of a sudden you are not enough just being the mother of his child and general dogsbody. All you can hope is Karma will catch up with him

Wow hearing that “As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes.” from a man who abandoned his wife and child to chase after some other girl and London life. His relationship will not last with that girl, she will quickly realise who he really is. Do not let the child meet that girl. Unless he marries her and lives with her for a while to show some stability.

Please focus on yourself and your dd see a solicitor and concentrate on getting the right settlement for you both. No matter who is paying what his contact time is his to do as he pleases and he can introduce who he wants to dd so I wouldn't force this issue

Some of these replies are minging.

I work two days a week so I can do most of the school runs, shopping, cooking, cleaning. We’ve decided that because DH earns a bit more than me and we want to kids to have someone at home and enjoy our time together. Would he be justified in dumping me and saying I lack ambition? Behave.

OP be kind to yourself. No wonder you don’t have any confidence, you’re married to a cunt. It doesn’t feel like it now but this is the best thing that has happened to you. You are strong, you are brave and you can do anything you put your mind to. Just get through this bit and try to think of what you want to do now you don’t have that knuckle dragger holding you back.

No, no, no! You own the business 50/50. Don’t be starting up your own business. Start being more assertive. Tell him that as business is half yours, you are now going to be working in it and you want 50% of input, decision-making etc and, of course, profit.
And if he refuses, tell him he needs to buy you out.
Tell him that, as you are now working, he is responsible for 50% of child-care, including school drop-offs and pick-ups, plus ferrying to any clubs etc.
And refuse to allow your DC to meet the other woman until their relationship is established.
Come on, give him a bad time. Let’s see how his ADHD copes with that. Show him that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Pr*ck! (Him not you!)

It's probably so he doesn't miss weekends with the gf more than anything

You’re not a lady of leisure. You’re a stay at home mum. There’s nothing leisurely about that! What do you have maybe a few hours in the day to yourself which I’m guessing involves shopping/cleaning or similar and the rest of the time you’re looking after his child. Don’t underestimate how hard you have worked as well as him!

So sorry to hear that KarKat, how did you ever manage?!
Hugs 💗💗

To be in this situation is hard. My exh left with my best friend after 25 years and my children already knew and liked her !
I didnt have the option to veto the children meeting her. I did try for a while to try and micromanage what they did whilst they were with him/ them. It didnt work. I got very angry about things I couldnt control and it made no difference anyway, "what happened at dads stays at dads" whether I liked it or not.
With all my sympathy for you in this situation, you need to let this go for your own sanity !
I'm guessing the excitement of being child free and in an essentially children relationship with her could well be disrupted by him having to parent your children when they are there with her, and she may not have much experience of children.
All you van do is be consistent and loving and deal with the fallout that follows visits to dads.
Mine are teens/YA now and can see who did what and who was there when it counted.

Good luck and DO try to let go of this, honestly, focus on things you have some direct input into, like when you and your child are together.