DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

Specifically on the meeting gf issue, I got divorced in the US and had to do a compulsory post-divorce parenting course as part of it. It said that DC shouldn’t meet a new partner until EX has been dating them for at least a year.

Just shut down the lectures. Tell him you are no longer together so he has no right or need to talk to you about anything other than DD. Mute notifications and only check before he sees Dd. Just close it down.
(I know this is easier said than done, but the first step is believing that you have a right to do this!)

Yes, he has totally dragged you down mentally whilst letting you do the day to day slog of childcare and supporting him whilst he got on his feet. If you can get some counselling to build up your self-esteem, I would, but at the very least, I would only interact with him as regards practical topics to do with DD. I would also get some legal advice about your financial position and separation so that you can start to build a new life away from this man. You deserve this.

The contact with DD is a bit of a side issue. I agree with you that it is too early to introduce a ‘new’ GF, but equally, it is on his time so it’s his choice. Your focus needs to be on you and DD’s future.

Agree with @rubyslippers I would bet good money if not in 12 months, def by 2 years you will look back and be GLAD this happened.
It may not feel like it but its true.

Also as @rubyslippers points out the timing says everything about what a twat he is.
Who does that? At Christmas? With a 5 yr old child in prime Christmas magic territory??
Would his dick have turned blue and fallen off if he just put and shut until mid jan??? Such a jerk

I just cant believe someone he did that was ever a great husband and father.

God he sounds like an insufferable wanker. Being away from that will be so much better for you in the long run. Your self esteem will be boosted by the new business and providing for yourself. Good luck

I’m sorry you’re going through this - absolute nightmare.

I think first of all you need to ask ‘what do I want?’ The whole conversation seems to be based around what he wants. So OP, what do YOU want?

Is he living away part of the week while you parent your child and then coming home when he feels like it? What’s your housing situation? Do you own, is your name on the deeds etc?

Get some good advice. Find out what your financial position is, what benefits you’d be entitled to if you formally split up. You might be hoping for a reconciliation (which is your prerogative if so) but you’ll probably feel loads better if you have a plan.

If he’s coming and going as he pleases, this won’t get any better. You’ll need to create a disruption in this cozy world he’s created for himself, by creating boundaries for yourself. Try and get some legal advice (call CAB as a starting point) and do what you can to create a separation between you.

He is a full on idiot.
I think he definitively was testing the waters with this woman before separating.
The ambition thing is just an excuse he is using to try and justify himself. If you had decided as a couple for you to be a SAHM, then he makes zero sense. And if you needed more money, then he could have had a convo with you.
Put your energy on the starting business. Get a solicitor. Make sure you get everything you can for yourself and your DD.
A much better life is out there! Just waiting for you to shine.
Yes, he paid for everything, but he was clearly a drag on your life with his issues, which you took care of. Take the same care of yourself and you will be successful quickly.

A0nd you are 100% right to keep introductions to your DD to long term partners. Too early and messy.

You own and are entitled to half if the business. You need to start earning so you can engage a decent solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

The way you say 'his business' op... It's your business too.

He's going to do what he wants with introducing her whether you like it or not so I'd make it work for you and her as best you can.

I'd suggest DD would prefer a weekend or a weekend day rather than a few hours after school when she's tired.
TBh.

What are his/your plans to build up to more and better quality contact? At 5 she knows and must miss her dad or at least notice she is seeing much less of him (even accounting for the few months of him being "stressed at work").

As much as I personally wouldn't introduce a new partner so soon amd would hate it, you are where you are and you need to build a life without him.

Aim to negotiate proper CMS or access that will allow you to pick up work of some kind (appreciate this may not work out) but you need to stop worrying about what he does and start picking up your life. It's been a few months now, I know its a shock and sad but life has to move forward and that needs to be your focus not whether he brings a girlfriend over for the poxy 6 hours a week that he sees his daughter.

The point is NO WAY will he take her 50/50
Also you will be much better able to work if you have weekdays free and he doesnt get to steal the best most fun part of the week (weekends)

Realistically you need to get your act together or financially you are going to be in trouble.
Do your CV and start looking.
Turn2us will help you understand what money you ca claim from the government.
Tax free childcare will give you £500 per quarter subsidised childcare this fan be used for after school or childminders.

Ignore/tune out all his bullshit 'self talk" about ambition and self esteem.
Also tell him to stop.
If its on the phone hang up when he starts.
If its whats app, archive him and check when you feel like it and every time respond with the same thing "as i said before please stop giving me unsolicited and unwanted advice. you've left your family, I'm not your concern anymore" or whatever

As an aside I have zero fucking ambition to progress in my high earning 'fancy" job
All I care about is having enough cash to live my life and provide for my kids. I think most parents especially mothers but also alot of dads i know feel similarly.
His "ambition" actually reflects fairly shittly on him imo.

Good luck.

He changed and grew, you didn't.

Not saying that's an excuse him cheating or leaving. It's absolutely not. He should have discussed it more with you - sounds like he barely did. He seemed happy for you to stay stagnant (and I agree staying stagnant can be a good thing if you're healing from past trauma actually) until he randomly changed his mind without much discussion.

Sorry that all happened.

He should be putting his kid before his new girlfriend, and they certainly shouldn't be meeting yet... Good luck getting through to him on either of those points though. For all his growing, he seems very selfish.

You sound so passive.
No job... Now you're just going to let this guy openly cheat on you?

Well no matter how people want to take this he is not responsible for you, you are resposible for yourself

His opinions about what you should be doing are irrelevant. He’s given that up when he dumped you. Start the divorce now. You’ll have to separate your assets and debts. Take legal advice on what that might look like. You need to work out your earning/borrowing capacity to have an idea of whether you can stay in your home.

He’s been having an affair - he’s basically told you as much
splitting up with someone on Boxing Day is calculated to cause real harm and upset
its nothing to do with you / your behaviour
you do need to get a job as a matter of urgency, start divorce proceedings and work out maintenance for your child and when he will be seeing her
assume he will do everything in bad faith and be difficult
so sorry but you will be so much better off without him

The arrogance to lecture you!
Tell him to fuck off, and lecture his new gf instead.