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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

189 replies

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

OP posts:
ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 30/04/2025 06:52

The problem is that you’ve acted weird and invoked a horrible feeling for her so she will be focusing on that and not the why. You need to respond with an apology for how she feels and a clear and concise reason for why you did it. then she will be able to reflect. I can’t stand a monologue either but I won’t be a cunt about it.

LillyPJ · 30/04/2025 06:48

mepipesneedlagging · 29/04/2025 23:49

Barmaid? 😬 I haven't heard that term since Bullseye in the 80's 🎯🍺

What are they called now then?

bert3400 · 30/04/2025 06:45

I had this issue the other day . I was talking to my friend and this other lady was standing close by, we all know each other quite well. Anyway I was chatting about something very personal regarding my mum and my late dad....this women cuts me off and starts talking about her neighbors....I was not going to let her do it (she interrupts all the time) so said "excuse me can I finish" and she immediately shut up ...it felt so good to say something 😁...I will say I have literally never been this way before ...but I have recently started testosterone hormone for the menopause and it's changed my whole outlook...I really really don't care what people think anymore 😂

crockofshite · 30/04/2025 06:39

blandana · 29/04/2025 23:44

YABU to make a weird loud noise but YANBU to be annoyed by her.

Do you think this is more of a female trait than a male one? Of all the ‘can’t get a word in edgeways’ people I can think of that I know, they are all female.
I just wonder why this is. I could be totally wrong though.

Could be a female trait. I know a few women like this, I can't think of any men who do it. Does my head in.

BownnTown · 30/04/2025 06:36

YANBU - I hate people like this. Another good way to shut them up is to suddenly start pulling weird faces - if they ignore that too then it’s onto the weird noises.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/04/2025 06:33

With people like this I sometimes wonder why their parents didn't tell them. If my children did this I'd be trying to get them not to because I'd wouldn't want them to face a lifetime of alienating people.

Doncarlos · 30/04/2025 06:30

Good on you. She needed to hear that, not that she will get it and change. She’ll act the victim and never speak to you again (until she has some boring drama she needs to blurt out.
I had similar with my FIL yesterday. He had the most annoying habit of completing my sentences and second guessing what I’m about to say, but on most occasions he is wrong. Normally I ignore it but last night I was just in the mood and snapped “actually no, that’s not what I was about to say. If you’d let me finish a sentence for once!” My MIL chimed in saying yes that’s annoying isn’t it. Except she bloody does it just as badly as he does!!! It’s so fucking annoying and I felt a little joy at telling him so.

andfinallyhereweare · 30/04/2025 06:30

@thaigirl I was with you until you said the noise was to amuse you which makes you seem a bit nasty to go out of your way to humiliate her, when you could have taken other avenues to get your drink. She may be annoying but doesn’t know she’s doing it, but you did it on purpose.

Doingmybest12 · 30/04/2025 06:30

I think if you felt OK to make a noise and tell her about losing your shit you were quite capable of just saying excuse me can we please have a drink we are in a hurry. Rather than trying to add your bit to the story which would encourage her. What an odd thing to do and embarrassing for you too.

wandawaves · 30/04/2025 06:30

SnowFrogJelly · 30/04/2025 00:45

I don’t know what Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber did…

Me neither, and now I'm curious.
Does someone have a link?

TimeForATerf · 30/04/2025 06:25

Hopefully she will just take your order in future. And maybe reflect privately on whether she does talk over people.

WhatNoRaisins · 30/04/2025 06:19

I get how you felt driven to do this but it's unlikely to be enough to get her to change her behaviour.

SnuffleTruffleHound · 30/04/2025 06:17

Monologuing is an adhd trait.

However you sort of invited the monologue by asking how she was, you knew what was going to happen when you made small talk. As pp said just say hi and order your drinks

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 06:07

You got frustrated and acted out and in doing so you embarrassed her (and possibly yourself) her behaviour wasn’t deliberate, yours was. You should apologise and if it happens again (seems unlikely) listen politely for a reasonable time then say firmly sorry to interrupt is it ok if I order my drinks?
I have a friend like this if I need to get off the phone or leave I just say so very firmly and then leave. It’s a bit abrupt but if I don’t I’d never get away. She knows why though and is fine with it.

Tbrh · 30/04/2025 03:18

thaigirl · 30/04/2025 00:03

That’s the noise! It’s like an airhorn that never stops, thank you for helping me think how to describe it.

I might actually take your advice and just get a little one and keep it in my bag. Maybe she’ll see the funny side eventually and I’ll get to use my airhorn every time we stop in for a drink.

A talking stick might be less offensive and funnier. You had quite an extreme reaction, although quite hilarious. Just apologise and say you were trying to make a point (if you actually want to be friends with her)

SnowFrogJelly · 30/04/2025 00:45

I don’t know what Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber did…

Boreded · 30/04/2025 00:42

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:51

I kind of thought, as I stood there watching her talk, that to make the loud ‘most annoying noise in the world’ at her would stop her in her tracks, be amusing for me, and also make her take a long hard look at herself and why she does this thing.
And then I just did it.

But now I feel bad and I’ve clearly hurt her feelings.

You could have been an adult about it, instead you embarrassed her in public. Good news though, you won’t have this issue again as she’s not likely to want to talk to you much anymore

HeddaGarbled · 30/04/2025 00:40

This is passive/assertive/aggressive 101.

You want to order a drink. She’s rabbiting on.

You did passive for 10 minutes, then went aggressive.

Assertive would be: “Can I stop you there and order my drinks?” and straight into your order. Then pay and go.

memoriesofamiga · 30/04/2025 00:06

blandana · 29/04/2025 23:44

YABU to make a weird loud noise but YANBU to be annoyed by her.

Do you think this is more of a female trait than a male one? Of all the ‘can’t get a word in edgeways’ people I can think of that I know, they are all female.
I just wonder why this is. I could be totally wrong though.

Men definitely do this. Usually in a work capacity or on a topic they feel they're knowledgeable on. I know several men who do it and they're all pompous asses to a man.

raysan · 30/04/2025 00:04

blandana · 29/04/2025 23:44

YABU to make a weird loud noise but YANBU to be annoyed by her.

Do you think this is more of a female trait than a male one? Of all the ‘can’t get a word in edgeways’ people I can think of that I know, they are all female.
I just wonder why this is. I could be totally wrong though.

3 male to 1 female in my experience

Original poster
thaigirl · 30/04/2025 00:03

That’s the noise! It’s like an airhorn that never stops, thank you for helping me think how to describe it.

I might actually take your advice and just get a little one and keep it in my bag. Maybe she’ll see the funny side eventually and I’ll get to use my airhorn every time we stop in for a drink.

OP posts:
Avatartar · 29/04/2025 23:59
  1. hi can I have a glass of wine please need to be your first words to her
  2. whip an airhorn out of your bag and blast it when she’s heading into monologue
  3. get someone else to go to the bar
Original poster
thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:53

RockyRogue1001 · 29/04/2025 23:49

Why not just go to a different pub?

Because it’s our local and it’s 500 years old and has atmosphere, unlike the other sterile establishment in the village. I love that pub.

OP posts:
NestEmptying · 29/04/2025 23:52

blandana · 29/04/2025 23:44

YABU to make a weird loud noise but YANBU to be annoyed by her.

Do you think this is more of a female trait than a male one? Of all the ‘can’t get a word in edgeways’ people I can think of that I know, they are all female.
I just wonder why this is. I could be totally wrong though.

Nope.my brother does it. It's not just women!
He's better in person but on the phone he just rants on sometimes.

Pandimoanymum · 29/04/2025 23:52

I have no idea what that noise sounds like but she needed to be told. I have a relative like this and it’s so frustrating to start saying something only to have them take over and go into a long monologue giving their opinion on the subject, with them actually talking over me at times, and then when they’ve finished and I finally get to say something, they look completely disinterested and clearly aren’t listening. The amount of times I’ve bitten my tongue when really I want to tell her how self centred, rude, and over-opinionated she is, is ridiculous. Being family makes it difficult because I can’t avoid her or just de-friend her. But it’s fucking annoying. So I think you were remarkably restrained and no, you weren’t horrible.