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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

189 replies

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

OP posts:
CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 30/04/2025 13:07

TwoWithCurls · 30/04/2025 07:17

Why do you think autism is an actual diagnosis? It’s not a minor thing. And one of the main features is struggles with social communication… her behaviour sounds exactly like an autistic person who is unaware of how another person is responding/feeling during their ‘conversation’. She’s lost in her world of thought and verbal diarrhoea. Yes, it’s annoying for the OP, but also, what it isn’t is NASTY, or humiliating, which the OPs behaviour was. She could very easily have laughed and said ‘please could I order some drinks?’

Show quote history

There’s a lot more socially inept idiots than people with autism. If you hear hooves, you expect horses, not zebras.

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 13:05

TinyGingerCat · 30/04/2025 12:29

Spot the passive aggressive mean girl?

Show quote history

Thought I was quite direct actually 😂
You’re a lone voice in a sea of opinions saying the woman was rude.

Kardamyli2 · 30/04/2025 12:59

My sister's boyfriend is like this, except he's worse because he will interrupt a conversation to drone on with some tedious anecdotes about his time running a coffee shop. I avoid him at all costs and suggest you avoid this barmaid too.

Lovelynames123 · 30/04/2025 12:53

I've had this, a friend's gf and we were often the only women out. I just told her that I wasn't interested in having conversations with her if she continued to talk over me. Tbf she did manage to rein it in a bit but it was obviously just her personality. Luckily I haven't seen her for years!

PrettyPuss · 30/04/2025 12:35

'Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?'

Funny and great that it worked, OP!

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/04/2025 12:32

I had to google it (never seen the film)!

I would probably have done the hand-raised-like-you're-asking-a-car-to-stop and said loudly 'I'll come back when you're finished', which in all honesty she'd probably find even more embarrassing than your air-horn imitation. As it is the regulars will remember your air-horn far more than what prompted it!

It's rarely good to embarrass someone, but trying to stop a determined monologuer to order some drinks - well, you have to break her flow somehow. Were you horrible? Not really - the attention would have been on you making the racket and not on her. She was a mere bystander!

Did you actually get to order your drinks?

TinyGingerCat · 30/04/2025 12:29

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 11:32

Spot the chatty cathy..

Show quote history

Spot the passive aggressive mean girl?

GarlicSmile · 30/04/2025 12:24

Love all these people making excuses for the air thief or blaming the OP!

Monologuing is equal opportunities, though probably skews male because they are told off less often for talking too much. I have a sister who does it and so does her husband. I have no idea how they cope when they're alone together.

It's not autism in their cases. It could be narcissism. Or just bad manners.

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 12:06

Trallala · 30/04/2025 11:33

I worked with someone like this. When I finally broke and said, "hang on, can I finish?" she walked out of the meeting, went off sick the next day and never came back. People really don't seem to like to be asked to take a breath and give someone else a chance to speak

They is one hell of an overreaction

Hastentoadd · 30/04/2025 12:05

thaigirl · 30/04/2025 00:03

That’s the noise! It’s like an airhorn that never stops, thank you for helping me think how to describe it.

I might actually take your advice and just get a little one and keep it in my bag. Maybe she’ll see the funny side eventually and I’ll get to use my airhorn every time we stop in for a drink.

I think you did the right thing, she is self absorbed and has no self awareness

BeLilacWriter · 30/04/2025 11:51

Yep, been there. In the end I would just walk away and leave her to it. Life is too short.

sidebirds · 30/04/2025 11:40

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

i can't tell if she eventually served you 🤔 YANBU!!

Trallala · 30/04/2025 11:33

I worked with someone like this. When I finally broke and said, "hang on, can I finish?" she walked out of the meeting, went off sick the next day and never came back. People really don't seem to like to be asked to take a breath and give someone else a chance to speak

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2025 11:33

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:51

I kind of thought, as I stood there watching her talk, that to make the loud ‘most annoying noise in the world’ at her would stop her in her tracks, be amusing for me, and also make her take a long hard look at herself and why she does this thing.
And then I just did it.

But now I feel bad and I’ve clearly hurt her feelings.

You have done her a service. She clearly does not gave the ability to pick up cues that she is monologuing and self absorbed. She thinks she is “friends” with people who can barely tolerate her and she forgets to do her job.

You were rude but perhaps she will take the hint and just take the drink orders in the future.

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 11:32

TinyGingerCat · 30/04/2025 10:27

Why are you friends with someone you clearly don't like and appear to enjoy embarrassing in public? What do you do that irritates your friends - and how do you think they should draw attention to this?

Spot the chatty cathy..

ManchesterLu · 30/04/2025 11:31

Skirtless · 29/04/2025 23:33

What’s more mysterious is that you describe her as a friend, when you clearly find her monumentally irritating.

It's sometimes really hard to break away from people though. There's a woman in a hobby I do that's exactly the same, and it's so difficult to avoid someone who shares the same (small) space twice a week!

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 11:30

CruCru · 30/04/2025 10:27

I think the problem is that people who tend to do this is that they irritate others, who then avoid them. So when they do meet someone who tolerates it, they are even worse - because they feel as though no one listens to them.

Yes this is definitely true, and then the good patient listeners head pops off 🤣

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 30/04/2025 11:26

I imagine people, who monopolise with their selfishness, in bed at night actually scripting and crafting their spiel so that it's word perfect - going over and over it until they're satisfied that it's good enough to enthrall.

I had a hairdresser like this who would do the 'I'm telling you in complete confidence' approach and then move onto the next client and say exactly the same thing, word for word. He had such a sense of superiority I just had to stop going as the thought of being talked at for an hour or two made me feel ill.

TweetingHurricane · 30/04/2025 11:26

TwoWithCurls · 29/04/2025 23:46

maybe she’s autistic? Likely not doing it on purpose and absolutely unaware of your need to speak or how you’re likely to feel, when unable to have an actual conversation with her.

Yes most I know who monologue without social awareness are autistic but you get people who are just rude too.
She sounds annoying as hell OP, hopefully from now on she’ll just get you the drinks

AngelicKaty · 30/04/2025 11:20

HeddaGarbled · 30/04/2025 00:40

This is passive/assertive/aggressive 101.

You want to order a drink. She’s rabbiting on.

You did passive for 10 minutes, then went aggressive.

Assertive would be: “Can I stop you there and order my drinks?” and straight into your order. Then pay and go.

Yup, this. 👆
Whilst I totally understand you "losing my shit" OP (I have a friend like this too) what you did was horrible because you did it with an audience of regulars at the bar in her workplace and she has to return to that workplace and be with those same regulars who saw what you did (hence her feeling "humiliated").
I think you need to own this now OP and fall on your sword. You could message her back something like "Yes, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. However, I've been wanting to speak to you for ages now about how you don't seem to understand the art of conversation (i.e. a back and forth exchange of ideas/opinions/experience) but I've never felt able to. It's become exhausting never being able to have a proper conversation with you, rather than just having to listen to an endless stream of consciousness about your life without being able to get a word in edgeways. DP and I popped in for a quick drink yesterday and I couldn't even manage to interrupt you long enough to order our drinks so I just lost it in the moment due to a build-up of frustration. Nevertheless, I handled my frustration badly and I'm sorry for hurting your feelings and humiliating you." A message like this will serve two purposes: providing the apology that she deserves from you and cooling the friendship as she's unlikely to take on board your feedback about her own self-absorbed behaviour and will probably keep her distance from you in future. 😉

mrsmiggins78 · 30/04/2025 11:14

CopperWhite · 30/04/2025 11:13

She was already embarrassing herself, she just too self centred to see it. You did nothing wrong OP.

more than this, you may actually (in the long run) have helped her

CopperWhite · 30/04/2025 11:13

She was already embarrassing herself, she just too self centred to see it. You did nothing wrong OP.

mrsmiggins78 · 30/04/2025 11:12

I have had to learn to listen properly to other people and it took a similar experience for me to get the message. I was probably about 14 and so she is overdue, but better late than never.

AndiPandiPuddinAndPie · 30/04/2025 11:11

I think I used to babble on like this before I got used to having friends and one of the girls said to me when I paused ‘You’re a Chatty Cathy aren’t you?’, she said it nicely enough and it drew attention to something I wasn’t really aware of until she said it, not I don’t think I’m as bad …

dairydebris · 30/04/2025 10:58

financialcareerstuff · 30/04/2025 10:10

Totally understandable and sounds like she deserved it.

I do sometimes wish though that we were all more comfortable giving almost immediate feedback in a calm, private way. The British model is very much to silently smoulder for weeks and weeks while appearing to be nice and polite, then losing our shit in a way that the other person finds baffling, allowing them to think the other person is the problem (ie not learning and changing).

Don’t get me wrong - I do this too. I just have this fantasy world of speaking freely, firmly but nicely every time someone annoys me.

5 mins into first monologue: “I can tell you like talking, but I’m here for a quiet chat with my husband, so we’ll have to end it here. Thanks for the drinks!” Or “I’ve noticed you talk unbroken for a long time. I enjoy conversations when both people show an interest in each other, so I’m going to end it there. Have a good day!” “I’ve noticed you only ever talk about your own child and their achievements, while being dismissive of anything I say about my child. I like chats that are more equal than that, so I’m going to head off now” “I’ve noticed you talk a huge amount about your diet, and I’m afraid it’s a topic I don’t find interesting. Shall we switch to something else, or finish it here?” Or “Do you notice that I’ve asked you five questions about yourself and you’ve asked me none about me? That makes me feel I’m talking to someone who isn’t interested in me. I don’t enjoy that, so I’m ready to move on now.”

If everyone did this and it was acceptable, people would learn to be way less annoying!

I would absolutely love to live in this world. Clear, direct, honest, non confrontational.