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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted like this to someone who won’t allow me to get a word in edgeways?

189 replies

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

OP posts:
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67676767ttt · 06/05/2025 10:20

TwoWithCurls · 02/05/2025 19:27

Exactly. My first thought. Unfortunately, the rest of Mumsnet is not quite so clued up on this, it seems.

Show quote history

Or maybe we are, and can see the difference between a monologue from a person with ADHD/autism who has a fascination for a particular subject, and a self-absorbed complete bore who prattles on about themselves, their views, their ideas and has the cheek to text afterwards that they were annoyed at YOUR behaviour

You do people with ADHD/ autism a disservice when you conflate the two situations.

MaMisled · 05/05/2025 21:59

I spent 2 hours with a friend like this before Christmas. She doesn't use the Internet so knows nothing about my life since we last caught up 4 months before. She talked so much I didn't manage to mention having a wonderful holiday with my whole family, fracturing a rib, starting my own business, my DB being very unwell, getting a puppy then my precious other dog passing away! After 5 years of her monologues, I'm done now.

Original poster
thaigirl · 05/05/2025 21:46

TorroFerney · 02/05/2025 12:29

That does point to poor boundaries to be fair.

Show quote history

Why? I see her regularly, she has children in the same school as mine, she lives just up the road, she’s a barmaid in my local and we are friends on social media. My boundaries are fine, thank you very much. I’m not sure I grasp fully what you are suggesting? Are you suggesting that I ghost every single person that irritated me?

Because it would be a lonely life…

OP posts:
Original poster
thaigirl · 05/05/2025 21:42

@Cherrysoup Exactly! ADHD my bum hole. Most of these people are just self absorbed.

OP posts:
pollymere · 02/05/2025 23:35

Maybe she has communication issues? It's a tough one. She may not realise she talks too much or is irritating. Apparently you should point out that you're not feeling sociable or have just come out for a private chat/quiet evening and perhaps you can catch up some other time — especially as she's working. I'm terrible at talking too much and even I understand people saying that!

(This is advice appropriate to those with ASD or ADHD but not mine. I'd definitely understand it though).

TwoWithCurls · 02/05/2025 19:27

Tonkie18 · 01/05/2025 18:01

She’s neurodivergent. ADHD possibly autism.

Show quote history

Exactly. My first thought. Unfortunately, the rest of Mumsnet is not quite so clued up on this, it seems.

Rosie8880 · 02/05/2025 18:49

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

A lot of folk on the spectrum / ASD can go into monlogues firstly. I think what you need to say to her is, often when I see you at work I’d like to have a chat but I get frustrated as the conversation is one way. Sometimes I’m in a quiet mood and just also want to say hi and then sit down quietly too. Im Sorry I upset you. I hope we can draw a line under this and see you soon

CameltoeParkerBowles · 02/05/2025 16:58

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

No, you weren't horrible. I can't stand people like that. Perhaps she could learn a bit of self-awareness.

BendySpoon · 02/05/2025 12:58

I had a colleague like that, it’s so tiresome. I also used to have a friend like that but it was so draining being talked at for up to 3 hours that I gradually stopped accepting invites to meet up.

TorroFerney · 02/05/2025 12:29

MumTeacherofMany · 01/05/2025 21:34

I find it more odd you consider this annoying random barmaid a friend and have her number!

That does point to poor boundaries to be fair.

YorkshireLass2012 · 02/05/2025 08:48

Skirtless · 29/04/2025 23:33

What’s more mysterious is that you describe her as a friend, when you clearly find her monumentally irritating.

Beat me to it! Exactly my thoughts. OP?

InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:45

InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:42

Or autism. I was gong to say this. I have ADHD and have to constantly remind myself to no interrupt and let others talk. Then while they are talking constantly checking that I am paying attention to what they are saying. I still go on a bit and talk in way too much detail. It’s also pretty fucking exhausting constantly monitoring yourself and what you are doing in social situations which is probably why I need to decompress in a dark quiet room for a day or two afterwards 😂. Sometimes I wish I was less self-aware like your barmaid friend! I think adhd would be less stressful if I was many constantly trying to adapt or amend my behaviour.

Oh and ditto the over sharing. Another adhd trait! Constantly doing that too then often feeling terrible afterwards. Stuff just floods out of my mouth and I struggle to control it!!!

InattentiveADHD · 01/05/2025 22:42

Or autism. I was gong to say this. I have ADHD and have to constantly remind myself to no interrupt and let others talk. Then while they are talking constantly checking that I am paying attention to what they are saying. I still go on a bit and talk in way too much detail. It’s also pretty fucking exhausting constantly monitoring yourself and what you are doing in social situations which is probably why I need to decompress in a dark quiet room for a day or two afterwards 😂. Sometimes I wish I was less self-aware like your barmaid friend! I think adhd would be less stressful if I was many constantly trying to adapt or amend my behaviour.

Helen483 · 01/05/2025 22:17

thaigirl · 30/04/2025 20:09

I’ve just got home with the dog. I nipped in on my own this evening after a dog walk and settled in the garden before going in to order a drink and see how she was with me.

She was totally normal, like nothing ever happened. Busy monologueing away as per usual and talking over me if I tried to stop her. So weird!

Not sure if that's good or bad 😁??

Hopefully you've got some good ideas from here about how to cope with it a bit better now👍

Helen483 · 01/05/2025 22:12

turn your back on her, don't go anywhere, just turn your back overtly. If it somehow sill happens, walk away without a word.

Leaving aside that that would be appallingly rude, it isn't going to help op get her drinks is it?

PracticalLady · 01/05/2025 21:49

YANBU To be honest I don't know how you have stood it for so long. She needed to be told and you told her, well done. I hope she has a think about it and decides to change her behaviour.

asrl78 · 01/05/2025 21:40

This reminds me of a friend of mine who does voluntary work in a nearby charity shop. She has a friend who always comes into the shop a few minutes before closing time and insists on chattering away when my friend is wanting to close the shop and go home. Some people just have no situational awareness and/or are completely self absorbed.

It is a bit like when I am commuting on the train and there is often a woman nearby who gets out her phone and subjects everyone in the vicinity to a sustained half hour conversation about trivial crap. Why can't people wait and have a conversation like that when they meet the person F2F?

MumTeacherofMany · 01/05/2025 21:34

I find it more odd you consider this annoying random barmaid a friend and have her number!

CandyCane457 · 01/05/2025 21:25

I am laughing at the thought of you making this noise- good for you!!!

She sounds like my MIL and it drives me insane, I need to try your trick 🤣

juless77 · 01/05/2025 20:25

Youremylobster86 · 29/04/2025 23:35

I have a work colleague like this, wish I had the balls to do the same thing 🤣.

Me too

Grapewrath · 01/05/2025 20:11

She sounds annoying but your response was really weird. You asked how she was knowing what she’s like and that you’re not at all interested. You should’ve just ordered your drinks
You could have said ‘I’m just going to stop you as I want to order my drinks’
We all know people like this and most of us manage it without making strange noises

DirtyBird · 01/05/2025 20:02

I have a friend like this, but luckily we mainly talk on the phone as we don't live near each other. After trying a couple of times to get a word in edgewise, which she will interrupt, or talk over me, or change the subject I give up. We usually talk when I'm at home so I use that time to cook or do house tasks while she's blabbering away. As long as I say "yeah" or "uh huh" or "wow that's crazy" then she doesn't know the difference.

littlemisspigg · 01/05/2025 19:41

thaigirl · 29/04/2025 23:31

I have a ‘friend’ who is the barmaid in our local. That’s how I met her. The first time she approached us for a chat as we sat in the beer garden and I immediately noticed how she loved to dominate the conversation. This is an ongoing thing with her. She enters in to a monologue and if you try to add your opinion or say anything at all she just keeps talking and gets louder for a few seconds, until you give up and just sit there going ‘uh-huh, oh, yeah, wow, yeah, uh-huh, yeah….’ whilst she rants on at you about herself. I find it incredibly rude and selfish to not allow anyone to talk and to impose yourself on them and just start off on a 20 minute presentation all about yourself.

Anyway, earlier this evening I was in the pub for a quick drink with DP after a long dog walk. I went to the bar to order and said hi, asked her how she was etc, expecting to get formalities out of the way and get our drinks quick. There was a small group of older men sitting at the bar doing things like reading the paper or just quietly drinking their pints. She immediately starts telling me about her ex husband and over sharing what I would think were quite private details at the top of her voice. The regulars stare awkwardly in to their drinks. Ten minutes in and she still hasn’t asked for my drink order and she’s still talking.
I tried to interject and tell her about my experience with her topic of conversation and she just cut me off time and time again. I was getting increasingly annoyed so started up to say something again and when she cut me off I made a loud noise. Think Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber 🥴
She stopped talking and said ‘what was that!’ I told her that was me losing my shit because she never lets me finish a sentence.
When I got home she messaged me to tell me that I humiliated her and she’s really upset with me. Was I horrible?

Ha! I have a sister like this OP.
Chill
She isn't gonna change
Lump it or leave it

ConnieHeart · 01/05/2025 19:35

blandana · 29/04/2025 23:44

YABU to make a weird loud noise but YANBU to be annoyed by her.

Do you think this is more of a female trait than a male one? Of all the ‘can’t get a word in edgeways’ people I can think of that I know, they are all female.
I just wonder why this is. I could be totally wrong though.

I used to work with a guy like this. He'd interrupt but his voice would be so loud he'd completely take over the conversation. He was a friend of mine so after him doing it a few times if he ever did it to me again I'd point to my mouth and say "lips moving, still talking!" He found it quite funny

Oh and YANBU

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