DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

I'd have thought the other mum would have been embarrassed but clearly not from her reaction. That's why the world is in the state it's in.

Mumsnet really is a window into a whole different world about how people’s minds work.

I can’t even begin to imagine being so uptight about a skidmark in a toilet that I’d have even given this a second thought - just fling bleach in the loo in the course of normal cleaning and move on with my day. Texting the friend’s mum. Is just WILD.

Also reading down the thread about people being “taught never to do a poo in someone else’s toilet”?! This is so weird and not healthy!

Honestly I’m mortified for you OP. It’s an unhinged reaction to something totally normal (poo in a loo, whatever next!) and socially ignorant (embarrassing absolutely everyone involved - the mum, the son, your son, yourself).

Do you think perhaps he had a bit of a tummy situation, made a mess, was mortified, panicked and pretended nothing happened and went home?

I agree he should have cleaned up after himself. However, I wouldn’t have texted his mother complaining about it. That’s a really bizarre thing to do.

OP didn't lose her shit she politely messaged his mother.

If he didn't know how to clean a toilet or recognise a toilet brush then his mother is now aware of that gap in his life skills education and she can either correct it or delegate responsibility for that to his father.

Saying nothing would have left him in ignorance, how is he supposed to learn if he is not told.

So she needs to clean random shit to facilitate friendships?

For goodness sake, a loo is easily cleaned.
How awful for the poor lad that you contacted his mum - that's an utterly ridiculous thing to do.

If basic civility is letting a random child shit all over your toilet repeatedly then count me out.

This would have been a lot better.

You contacted his mother???!!!
What were you thinking of?
Madness!!

Clearly no shaming mother or son.
No I wouldn't be happy at my loo being left in that state.
Absolutely disgusting.

If you do allow him to visit again, say to him directly how you expect the loo to be left.

There is no way I would be willing to host him if that was the aftermath.

Would you have shamed an adult guest in that way? Very rude. Just clean it up.

No you was not polite, you're completely out of line here. If it were me I would have just told both my son and the friend, if the friend came round again, boys if you use the loo and need to clean up a mess there's a brush there, it's OK to use it. You went all out to humiliate. I think the other mum did well with you. When mine had friends over and they were making a mess (not in the loo) I'd just address them all as a group and say kids can you all take your plates to the kitchen and so on, and guess what not one of them was offended and they listened.

This is mad. It’s not a sexism thing. This is a child visiting your home. Maybe he had an upset stomach, maybe he doesn’t have a loo brush at home (we didn’t growing up as my dad hates them), maybe he just forgot or hasn’t been taught to clean up the toilet bowl. Not everything is a feminist stand. Sometimes expecting other people (esp kids) to hold themselves to flawless social standards and losing your shit when they don’t is unreasonable.

If a child visits my home I like to make them feel welcome and comfortable, not embarrass them over normal bodily functions! Honestly it is not a crime to poo in someone else’s house and while it is a little inconsiderate to leave skid marks - this is a child. I’ve had adults do the same and I wouldn’t dream of messaging them about it, though maybe that’s acceptable if the staining is very egregious. I don’t consider these low standards just basic civility and the give and take of social life.

If you saw it while he was in the house, get him back in to clean it. But messaging the mum the one and only time this has happened - embarrassing over reaction.

After I've used the toilet I put the lid down, flush it and walk away, and I suspect most people are the same. If it's messy in there I'll notice it the next time I use it.

I really hope most people do not do this. Leaving a toilet filthy for the next person - which is unlikely to be you - is disgusting.

Because it will rebound on her son’s friendships, which is unfair for him.

No, she would have messaged their mum's!

Why would she want to make friends with such a family? Good riddance.

It wouldn't occur to me to message someone about such trivial matters.

Sounds like you have the same low standards as the other mum.

I'm going to go against the grain and say good for you OP.

I can hardly believe that posters think it's more embarrassing to mention the boys behaviour than for him to leave a dirty toilet. You should known your place; clean his shit up and don't humiliate him by mentioning it. His mum's response tells you all you need to know about where he learned that he's entitled to leave a toilet in that condition.

Why the fuck should women clean up mens/boys shit and then pretend it didn't happen so that they are not embarrassed? That is not our job, if men don't want to be shamed then they should try not behaving in shameful ways.

I quite like the idea of telling him his next visit will be his last. Shame him enough and you might just civilised him.

Feral brat. Definitely don’t have him round again. And tell the mum why he won’t be invited again.

From the details of her reply I think it’s more likely that she thinks it’s the norm for the women in the home to clean up shit after their men, so she can’t fathom why OP has higher standards.