DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

Pigs. I wouldn’t have them around again. Given the mother’s shifty attitude, god knows what he’ll do next. You don’t need your son being influenced by such people.

Any halfway decent woman would have apologized and attempted to do better.

Well indeed.

It's important to me that my DC's friends feel welcome in our house. Sometimes they have manners that put my DC to shame. Sometimes not so much.

Some friends I know so well I will pull them up on fairly minor stuff. Newer friends I'll be more accommodating though if they're breaking any particular 'house rules' I'll let them know that's not how we do things here (stuff like asking before taking food, rooms that are out of bounds). But it would really have to be something major to mention it to a parent.

Some people saying the child would be banned from every returning...what on earth?! Are you out of your minds? Is this a big enough deal for you to alienate your son from a friend? Or worse still alienate your son from you?

YANBU that it's gross
YABU to message his mum

^ yes. However, IME, any parents who have invited their kids to my home ensure the loo is clean after/ask the kids to check. This is kids aged 4-9 mostly

For a secondary school aged child to expect other people to look at their body waste & clear it up is extremely disrespectful. It is a parents' job to teach that and if this child's parents are not enforcing this, the OP is correct to bring it to their attention

All those who are saying they would have just cleaned it up themselves: are you happy to clean a soiled toilet at work before you can use it... its a 30 sec job!

What? You’ve clearly not been shown how to use a toilet brush! Youre supposed to use it while flushing and make sure the water rinses the brush clean - this is also where a silicon bristle brush is more hygienic than a nylon bristle one…

No one is excusing it. It's gross. I've got two teenage boys and if they make a mess in the toilet, they're absolutely expected to clean it.

But we are all thinking about the posters own son, who could be now left with no friends ever wanting to visit the house in case his mum messages their mum about the toilet.

Yanbu to be disgusted by this, but YABU to expect your own son to deal with communicating about this and clearly the child's own mother can't be arsed to enforce the rules of civilisation and would rather clean up after other people's disgusting behaviour rather than teach them how to behave - you can't fix that.

I echo the pp suggestion that next time your DS has this friend around you talk to the friend directly, tell them their previous actions were unacceptable and if they ever do such a thing again they will not be welcome in your house again, but that it is absolutely fine to ask for advice and instructions for how to clean up after himself if his own parents haven't taught him how to leave a lavatory in an acceptable state for the next user.

If the mess was that bad, the toilet brush ( had it been used) would have been grim!!

I wouldn’t have messaged the mum, instead I would have got my bleach and cleaned it ( this time!) Any future mess and I would have a word ( but not in a humiliating way) How old is the boy?

I lived in a house share with 2 guys from work some years ago. 3 young professionals. I went away for the weekend and came back to a toilet full of skid marks and totally disgusting. Both housemates were home and so I asked them to go and clean it. One very expensively boarding educated guy said that was my job now I was back. And then laughed. I didn’t laugh. Eventually he went to clean it muttering what was the point of women if they didn’t clean up!
I guess his wife now cleans up after him.
My family all sort themselves out. No skid marks left in our toilets and they don’t expect anyone else to clean up after them either.

I agree, how embarrassing for the poor lad. He'll be frightened now to use the loo at other people's houses!
Of course it would be good for him to be shown how to clean the loo and do that when he's a older teenager, but that's not your job to do that. I'd have just got on and cleaned it.

Good way for OP to make sure her son has no friends.

Well no, I'm just a normal busy person who doesn't have a toilet fixation. If my toilet needs cleaning, I'll notice it next time I use it, unless it's obvious during the session itself that it'll be needing a cleanup.

I'd imagine that's quite normal and seems to be solidly backed up by the voting on this thread. Or do you really think over 80% of people are wrong, and messaging guest's mothers about these things is not batshit behaviour?

Nobody is embarrassing him for having a poo, but for leaving the next person using the loo to clean up his mess. Squirting bleach doesn’t remove dried on smears and cling ones. You have to scrub. Don’t know what’s more disgusting - the fact that he left someone else to clean up after him, or that so many posters don’t see anything wrong with it.

When you say he left it in a mess, I'm assuming it was just the toilet bowl? There wasn't crap all over the bathroom? If just toilet bowl, his only crime was using your toilet really. Maybe he's not been shown how to clean a toilet yet.

I couldn't get worked up about it! (If was just toilet bowl) Surely squirt of bleach and a scrub with brush and all sorted.

I'd be mortified that you contacted his mum and can't believe you are saying he can't come round any more!

Some batshit replies on this thread!

You were completely right OP to expect this teenager to clean up after himself and to mention to his mum that he made a mess of your bathroom and could not bother to clean up after himself.

It is your house and you are not a maid put on earth to clean up shit from men and boys...

Strange that so many people on this thread are willing to excuse and enable poor behaviour.

His mother's response and behaviour is part of why boy and men become and stay entitled all their life and expect the little women to put up with their shit...in this case literally.

Keep your standards high OP and never welcome this boy in your house again.

I would not have messaged the mum. It wouldn't have occurred to me unless the boy smeared shit all over the walls and walked it all through the house for good measure. I mean, are we talking a few skid marks in the pan? I think the OP sounds rather precious and just a tad superior.

Can't believe you messaged his mum!!!!

No, not assuming anything. I imagine OP would have complained to whichever parent could be contacted. And from the mum’s reply, none of the males in her household clean the toilet because they’ve conditioned her to believe it’s her job, so what would be the point ?

You messaged his mum about some skid marks.....

In the time it took you to consider, complete and send a message to this boys mum you could have squirted some bleach in the toilet. Totally unreasonable to embarrass the boy for having a poo

Yes, he is old enough to clean up after himself, BUT I wouldn't have reacted the way you did.
I would have just dealt with it and not said anything.

It certainly wouldn't have even entered my head to message the mum.
I have teenage sons (although mine always clean up after themselves) and if II'd received a text like that I would have rolled my eyes without a doubt.
I think the other mum handled it well to be fair.

After I've used the toilet I put the lid down, flush it and walk away

Are you the mum ?

You seem to be assuming that OP is female, accepting that cleaning toilets is OP's job in her household, and that it was right to complain to the boy's mother rather than his father about it!

It was gross but I can’t believe you messaged his mum!

I get that he’s old enough to know to clean up. But I think you sound very superior and patronising and that was the actual motive behind your text to thd mum. Or is your son super perfect in every aspect of his life? Not very kind imho.

Wow. Good on you for saying something. Her life sounds shit - quite literally!