DS’s school friend made a mess of our toilet and his Mum has defended him

You're absolutely convinced you are right so why did you ask Mumsnet? The poll clearly shows most people disagree with you

While in a perfect world it wouldn’t have happened, I really don’t agree that it’s quite the big deal that 20% of people say it is. First world problems and all that. People should get over themselves.

I say close the front door on him until he learns to clean after himself.

Kid does a shit. HOLD THE FRONT PAGE.

More likely she was disgusted by the shit stains and doesn’t want him back in her house.

My kids are grown up now but I have fond memories of hosting their friends. However over the years they have broken beds, a sink, put a hole in a wall, left skids, left food mess, left dubious tissues, got drunk, been sick, been turfed out of bedroom, the list goes on. They are now all fine young adults and I’m still very fond of them.

Why is this OP’s job? I wouldn’t be doing any of that.

@op gained an opportunity to ‘virtue signal’ and score a misguided point about her own high standards. ‘I (and my family) am cleaner than you (and your family)’.

Tiresome.

I expect @op is the kind of person who also holds her cutlery strangely, believing this demonstrates some kind of phoney refinement.

As a teenager, your son's friend was the one responsible, not his mother.
Invite the boy over again and ask the two boys to come upstairs with you as you show both your son and his friend how to clean a toilet.

Give a demonstration and state clearly that is is always the responsibility of the user to clean up after them selves and that the toilet should never be left as it was left last visit.

Then step back and ask guest teenager to practise using the brush, flushing etc to show that he had learnt a new skill.

Thank him and tell him it is important that he knows that socially acceptable, civilised, adult skill.

It's not a struggle to see where his laziness and entitlement comes from! With his mum defending him. I would have him round again when he's learned to be less grim

Some of the replies on here are crazy. Of course op shouldn’t have messaged the boy’s mum. If anything had to be said, I would have asked my son to mention it in passing to his friend. Along the lines of ‘mum was a bit annoyed about the mess you left in the loo last time you were here, please clean up after yourself next time’. Job done. Anything else is just escalating the matter unnecessarily.

This. If he’d come round a few times and done the same I might have had a word with the kid but not his mum.

that said if I had a message as a mum I’d be mortified

This happens a bit in our house - partly because of the design of our bathrooms. The flush buttons are deliberately placed so that you have to close the lid to flush. Flushing with the lid up sends germs into the air, so realistically not many people are going to do their buisness, close lid, flush, wash hands and then lift the lid to check! But id rather that than sending germs flying round my bathrooms! Shove some bleach down and a quick scrub and all sorted.

Wait...don't you think it's more embarrassing for everyone concerned that you MESSAGED. HIS. MUM.?

Some people seem to go through life looking for opportunities to cause drama. OP you've taught your own child to clean up, well done. You're not responsible for teaching everyone else's children. It was very likely a simple mistake/oversight not at all malicious and you've caused all this drama for zero reason, humiliated a teenager, upset their mum and likely embarrassed your own son and what have you gained? I would have told your son what his friend did and let him sort it out, ie "my mum had a right go at me because you left the toilet in a state" etc etc

That’s hardly the point.

Presumably he has a father too though. My father would definitely have told my brothers not to make a mess of toilets. No way would he have seen it as a woman's job to teach them and that was in the 70s. And even if OP didn't know the father's number why not tell her son to clean up after his guests in future or make sure they clean up after themselves?

It's unpleasant and a bit rude but to message his mum is totally OTT! He probably didn't even look behind him to see if he'd made any skid marks.I bet my kids have messed up a loo in their time but I've never heard from any other parents letting me know!

As the mother of the boy said, in the time it took you to text her, you could have just cleaned the loo! FFS, get a grip.

What??? You’re not making sense.

Of course whoever is raising and parenting children should be teaching them how to use a toilet, which includes leaving it clean for the next person.

Stop coddling your sons, people. And don’t “laugh off” disrespectful, disgusting, inconsiderate behaviour.

Wow !

YANBU, but I wouldn’t have texted her about it. He’s gross 😷 , she’s (I didn’t catch if she’s married, but if so they are) clearly raising 3 of them like that. Lucky girls (or boys) that date them in future. The toilet is probably the least of their anti social issues.

The OP didn’t have to clean up, her son could have cleaned up after his guest.

And yet you obviously think it's women's work to teach men how to use the toilets. I would have just poured bleach in the toilet, cleaned it and never have let him stay until he is older.

He should be embarrassed.

Women need to stop fucking coddling and excusing boys and young men. That’s how we’re ending up with so many abysmal, entitled, gross adult men.