Would it bother you if your partner got up later than you?

Yes it probably would annoy me if i’d been the breadwinner for years and my wife hadn’t increased her hours since the kids grew up. There’s no reason you can’t work full time now, everyone can pull their weight with house work. Clearly your DH is irritated by it, regardless what anyone here thinks. He probably assumed you’d up your hours when the DC grew up, fact you haven’t is clearly annoying him. Time to look into getting more hours or a different job and up early like millions to earn a living.

This shows how different people are. I'm in a similar situation and it used to really annoy me when DH slept in and left me to do everything when he had a cruisy day.

Wouldn't bother me (we have similar at the mo for different reasons), but I'd expect P2 to be understanding that P1 needs to get to bed by 9-10pm and not make a fuss about wanting to be out late on week nights.

It would irritate me.

I would be quite irritated by it.

Your DH is being a bit petty if this bothers him, I think, providing you’re pulling your weight at other points.

I’m the SAHM in out relationship but I have had to get up before DH for the last 8 years as his work was v. flexible on hours (then lots of WFH since covid) and I’ve had a school run that means I’m up at 7. He’s normally only just awake enough for a cup of tea when I get back around 9:30! I do not feel resentful, and I never make digs about it. Even joking ones. I’m an early bird though. I truly don’t mind getting up early. I love watching the day break.

Why doesn’t Partner 1 take it up with Partner 2 if it irritates them so much?
Personally, if I could get up at 10am every day, I would - I’d love to be able to sleep for more than 5 hours straight without waking up.
Or maybe Partner 2 can’t sleep and their hours are twisted around.
Or maybe Partner 2 sleeps till 10 just to irritate Partner 1. That sounds like something I would’ve done to get under my ex’s skin.
Wish I’d thought of it. lol
What possible difference does it make in the scheme of things? Except that Partner 1 is resentful. And what good is that? It just makes Partner 1 old before their time.
My vote is to tell Partner 1, based on this limited information, to lighten up.

Not if the man in this scenario was doing all of the household things that this lady is doing, no.

I guess you missed this bit: "It’s not a complete walk in the park now the dc are older. Dd3 has autism and is currently not in education and I bear the emotional load of all that entails. Dd2 is also going through a difficult period and often tearful at night time and wanting to talk. I’m often emotionally drained by it all."

This mother is fully committed to her children, even though they are adults, they clearly still need her. She's there for them. She is very committed to her whole family both physically and emotionally.

We don't even know this family's financial situation, they may not even need her to earn a full-time income. So many people have it ingrained in them that life is all full-time employment. It doesn't have to be for everyone. This woman IS contributing to their household in many ways, just because she is not earning a full-time income does not make her lazy, or unhelpful, or whatever derogatory term people want to attach to her.

This woman clearly puts her family's emotional and physical needs first, which she can do as her husband is providing for them financially. Don't forget here that she is also earning too though. They are working as a team and the husband is being cheeky to forget that when he quips about her sleep.

My husband is always up before me. I was first up for years but a cronical diagnosis have turned things around.
It's not an issue here.

I think if you do all the housework then fair enough to work part time. I actually think your husband gets a good deal and most would be happy with that. I do think if he's leaving while you're still asleep that would start to annoy me too, I'm not sure why but it just would (speaking from past experience). I think it just feels a bit like you're taking the piss.

If she were a man then we would all be saying he was lazy and needed to get to work

She works 2 days whilst her husband works full time. He grown up children don’t need her at home. She has essentially retired once her kids grew up…now lives off her husband

"Vagina lodger" really?

She does the cooking, laundry and admin for the WHOLE household. She has raised the children, sacrificing her own earning potential in doing so. She's still working and contributing to the household, she's absolutely NOT the equivalent of a cocklodger.

"If you were P1, would P2’s late getting up bother you?"

No.

I am P2 in this scenario. I go to bed late (I'm a night owl), but I get things done that benefit the household once everyone else is asleep. I also get some much needed peace and downtime once everyone else is sleeping.

My DH goes to bed earlier and gets up before me for work. Occasionally my DH makes a jibe about what time I've gotten up, I politely tell him that I've had 7/8 hrs sleep, less than he had, and that I've done XY & Z the previous night whilst he slept. He soon shuts up.

I'm a SAHM, my eldest wakes up at the same time as me, my youngest a bit earlier but she's old enough to be fine until I wake.

It sounds like you do a lot for your entire household, all the cooking and laundry, admin etc. and I think it's a bit cheeky for your DH to take issue with you getting much needed rest.

I think those bleating about you not working full-time need to wind their necks in. You can bet your ass her DH wouldn't pick up his share of the cooking/laundry/admin if she did go back full-time. Plus, it's not as easy to get full time employment after you've been out of work for a long time being a SAHM.

Do you know anything about the looming pension crisis?
So many naive people.

In short, yes, it would bother me.

You need to get a proper job and share the workload. Vagina lodger?

For me it wouldn’t actually be the working, chores, whatever, it would just be that it’s like having a presence in the house quietly looming.

Did she say somewhere how much he earned and how much she did? What makes you think he can never retire, just because his wife is working two days a week rather than five?

Plenty of sahms don't go back to work at all and the husband still manages to retire somehow 🤔

You can contribute more to a relationship than just cash you know 🙄

That’s not the scenario though. She’s only doing 2 days at work, so no reason she’d be playing Cinderella in the evenings

I think if the OP was doing shifts she’d have mentioned that, ditto running a business on the side.

If they OP’s husband could just change his job he might choose to, but if he’s the primarily breadwinner and over 50 then in this economy that might not be an easy move.

Whether or not they need the money is a joint decision.