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Original poster

Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

366 replies

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:32

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP posts:
ThisCatCanHop · 29/04/2025 19:06

Mine can be a bit like this. Not to the same extreme but despite what he likes to think, he’s neither very logical nor practical and panics.

When DC1 had chickenpox and I phoned him to let him know what the rash was, he nearly had a nervous breakdown when I spelled out how long he’d be out of childcare for and how much time we’d have to cover (and we were lucky in that situation as we had a family member who was willing to help). In the end, I just told him to go away, get his head round it, and ring me back when he’d worked out what days he was going to cover. He rang back ten minutes later with an apology.

It’s much better now several years and more DC down the line, although situations are exacerbated by not having any family help any more, sadly. But he does still do it….you have my full sympathy!

nomas · 29/04/2025 19:00

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:37

I honestly don’t think he’s being manipulative. It’s hard to show a full view of somebody’s personality when you’re talking about a single thing which pisses you off. He’s never actually raised his voice to me, he’s very generous financially, he definitely sees himself as an equal parent and I’m really not a ‘put upon mum’ who is the default caregiver. I go away for the night or a weekend a few times a year and he’s happy to look after the kids, and vice versa.

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc - a classic case of ‘everyone else looks like they have their shit together and we don’t’. That and very poor communication. His family are similar

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Of course he’s being manipulative. He’s training you to do all the grunt work without involving him.

Does he get flustered with colleagues? I’m betting not.

Elseaknows · 29/04/2025 18:58

whitewinespritzerandastraw · 29/04/2025 18:52

I would find this annoying to be honest.

pp was correct that this was not a 2 person job.

he was working and you should have got a taxi.

The OP has already said why they couldn't get a taxi and her DP already agreed to take his DC to the doctors. He got arsey because he had poor time management and it somehow became the OPs fault.

whitewinespritzerandastraw · 29/04/2025 18:54

MeetMyCat · 29/04/2025 18:49

Have you replied to the wrong thread?

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I think @JifNtGifhas a point.

people are doing things like this because they are “there” that they normally would not leave the office to deal with.

it all adds up, lots of hours of paid time that are not paid.

whitewinespritzerandastraw · 29/04/2025 18:52

I would find this annoying to be honest.

pp was correct that this was not a 2 person job.

he was working and you should have got a taxi.

MeetMyCat · 29/04/2025 18:49

JifNtGif · 29/04/2025 15:41

This is why people need to go back to the office.

Have you replied to the wrong thread?

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 18:48

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 18:15

Because I don’t see swearing and ranting when stressed as abusive unless it’s a personal attack or downright nasty. Everyone has to let their stress out somehow, I just wish he would keep a lid on it or keep it proportionate when needed

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Can’t be nice for children to be around

although I imagine it’s just background noise to them

oh… it’s dad kicking off again

JLou08 · 29/04/2025 18:47

If my DH needed me to come out of work when he was on a non-working day I'd be pissed off too. We've car shared in the past and managed getting about with 2 little ones on the bus or walking when the other had taken the car to work.
I get stressed with having to come out of work, I have a very demanding case load that doesn't get covered when I'm away and trying to catch up or rearrange meetings is challenging. I wouldn't resort to swearing and moaning, I just get in with it. But maybe I would get to that point if my DH wouldn't just manage some things alone when he has the time to do so.

Elseaknows · 29/04/2025 18:44

The issue I have with this is that HE AGREED. The OP didn't need to book a taxi or strap a 6yr old child in a pushchair and wrangle a toddler because her DH was available to help and had already said he would (despite him working from home) but because HE didn't manage HIS time properly or ask if she needed help with THEIR child (just assuming OP would do all the default parenting, because let's face it given the history she does anyway) he then got shitty because he then realised he was also going to miss another meeting despite volunteering to take HIS SICK CHILD to the doctors with her mum and sibling because of the route, the heat and the poor child's ill health.

I'd expect a bit of support if I was the OP too. She can't work miracles if he's going back on what he agreed because he's got piss poor time management. Why agree to help out and then get fucking pissed at his wife about it due to his own incompetence?

Computer125 · 29/04/2025 18:40

Sorry responded in wrong place

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 29/04/2025 18:28

JifNtGif · 29/04/2025 15:41

This is why people need to go back to the office.

THIS

Illprobsregretthis · 29/04/2025 18:28

If I’m honest, my partner is similar and I think it was a hangover from maternity leave. Like I was the “primary / default” parent for both of our children for the first year of their lives as I was at home, so was the one to take them for their vaccines, GP appointments etc. I had to be really clear when going back to work that it couldn’t continue, and that both of our jobs were equally important so when things came up - illnesses etc - that I’d need his support. I actually write up a list of things that are on my mind and send it to him once a week - it’s called “mental load list w/c whatever the date is”. And I ask him to choose stuff and sort it out. I know that’s perhaps babying him a bit but tbh I know it’s not malicious, it’s just a huuuge blindspot that he’s trying to work on.

ihatethongs · 29/04/2025 18:26

Oh wow, some comments are quite harsh.

sandyhappypeople · 29/04/2025 18:23

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:39

YES DH is the same!!!! He spends so much time ranting and raving when something goes wrong, that calmly looking for a solution (starting with the least laborious and most simple one) doesn’t occur to him. I could’ve written this myself. It’s so draining, but not LTB as like I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

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I think a lot of people are like this in fairness, my DH doesn't do well under pressure, so I have to go the other way and be very clear and precise as to what I need him to do, If I start to lose my patience or assume he knows what I'm talking about he gets very flustered and can't function properly at all. If you aren't careful you can find yourself escalating each other into a confrontation, over something which is neither persons fault and not helpful in any way to the original problem.

You should have communicated better IMO, saying "can you give us a lift to the doctors later" is just that a lift, a drop off, same as a taxi would have done, easily done during his working day, but expecting him to then take the 2 year old back home again and look after him while he is working, then come back and get you all at whatever time you would be finished was not at all what you asked, and very unreasonable to expect. If he was in the office he wouldn't have been able to just wander off doing all that, or take a 2 year old into work with him for an hour(!) so WFH should not be treated any different.

Instead of both making assumptions you should both communicate your needs better from the off to make sure you're on the same page.. if this happens frequently then it's obvious neither of you can communicate effectively.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/04/2025 18:20

EarthSight · 29/04/2025 18:08

He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant

I'm afraid he's neurotic. My sympathies. This is often made worse by an angry sense of entitlement that everything goes smoothly all of the time, and God forbid if it doesn't.

Some people never bother to self-sooth or regulate their emotions because they've always had a mother figure in their live to bash.

This is one of the most basic things to avoid in men as it makes them incredibly stressful to co-parent with. Emotionally, I actually don't think they're cut out to be parents because they can't cope, or don't want to cope with the unpredictable events that come along with that. The other person gets sucked into that, and as you've found out, you end up soothe them as if they were a toddler instead of a partner.

Any change in behaviour will be all down to him. He has to want to change, but they often don't, even if it causes them a lot of stress, because they feel their anger and catastrophising is reasonable. I'm afraid he's likely to get worse as he gets older, to prepare yourself.

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Great post 👍
My father was like this, he was insufferable as he got older, muttering, shouting, it got to the point where DM wouldn't ask him anything to avoid drama.

Here4thechocs · 29/04/2025 18:20

loropianalover · 29/04/2025 15:38

Does he treat people this way at work when things go wrong? I bet he’s able to handle it like an adult then.

Good shout.

Clp001 · 29/04/2025 18:20

I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense. I only live a mile away from my mam and dad's but get a taxi from their house all the time. Most taxi firms where I live are more than happy to go pretty short distances. Maybe they're different in cities or something.

Pollyanna87 · 29/04/2025 18:19

Sounds like an LTB situation to me.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 18:15

LoveFridaynight · 29/04/2025 18:04

How can you say he's not abusive when he swears and rants when things go wrong and and blames you for not knowing what he's thinking?
I know why you think it's okay because I deal with similar but it's not okay.

Because I don’t see swearing and ranting when stressed as abusive unless it’s a personal attack or downright nasty. Everyone has to let their stress out somehow, I just wish he would keep a lid on it or keep it proportionate when needed

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 18:13

MrsKeats · 29/04/2025 18:10

Couldn’t you get a taxi/uber if he was working?

Asked and answered

OP posts:
MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 29/04/2025 18:13

I laugh because my husband can get seriously stressed out with small stresses, but if there was a true catastrophe or emergency he is the person you want around as he then slips into "police" mode. Our house just massively flooded this week, major damage throughout and we've just laughed about (because what else can you do) but lose the TV remote and he's losing his mind and shouting about nothing ever being put away properly.

However, if our kid was sick and needed driving to the Dr's, my husband would have moved hell and high water to get her there and back with as little exertion from her as possible.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 18:11

You’ll be pleased to know I found my own way to the pharmacy to collect the meds!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 18:11

Bernadinetta · 29/04/2025 17:07

What did the doctor say was wrong with DD? Did they give her a prescription?

Yes, 2. Probably viral but a nasty one.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 29/04/2025 18:11

He sounds quite annoying. But if I knew my partner was like this I wouldn't be asking them for lifts a mile up the hill. I'd be getting a taxi.

The thing that matters is that your sick kid gets to the doctors. So I'd just remove him from the equation as he clearly isn't going to be remotely helpful.

Does he have a personality disorder? Or anxiety? I'd say he could do with therapy or medication to manage his issues. But that would be him having to agree he needs it.

Not that you haven't every right to be pissed off at his antics.

MrsKeats · 29/04/2025 18:10

HopingForTheBest25 · 29/04/2025 18:10

@Digdongdoothe op has a sick child who cannot walk there. No taxi is going to drive her a mile down the road!

Don’t be silly,