Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

366 replies

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:32

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP posts:
Canttakeitanymore1 · 29/04/2025 21:43

Shudder. I had a 'partner' exactly like this. Not someone to have kids with! It only gets worse I'm afraid.

Happydays20000 · 29/04/2025 21:39

jolota · 29/04/2025 16:29

Yes, I get this sometimes with my husband. It's extremely frustrating.
He doesn't deal with what I deem minor inconveniences well at all. Always an overreaction that stresses everyone else involved out far more than necessary and makes the situation worse than it needs to be.
But he normally sees that he was being unreasonable and apologises afterwards.
His whole family are like this, its learnt behaviour and unlearning is difficult.

I have the exact same problem here. It’s absolutely infuriating - because he ‘can’t cope’ with even the most minor stress, he makes everything else so much more stressful.

Mine has ADHD and ASD so I try to be kind, patient and understanding, but sometimes I question my relationship because I worry about what will happen when a real emergency happens (like a big death in the family ect).

My2cents1975 · 29/04/2025 21:35

MightAsWellBeGretel · 29/04/2025 17:46

My company would be very unhappy with this! It would be a direct breach of our compliance regs.

Show quote history

Good point. Check with HR first and see if it is an issue!

SheldonandAmyFarahFowler · 29/04/2025 21:20

My partner was like this until I left him. Now he is on Sertraline and he doesn’t take his frustrations out on me because I’ve made it clear I won’t be around to be treated badly anymore,

One3C · 29/04/2025 21:20

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:36

Then you’re a much better, more intelligent, stronger person than us nitwits with less-than-perfect husbands Smile

Show quote history

Nobody is perfect, that is true. It has got nothing to do with perfection even. Just being a decent husband and father. It is sad how many of these situations your poor children have been exposed to.

Your OP and then follow up comments are full of contradictions as I showed in my last post.

EdithBond · 29/04/2025 21:07

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:39

Interesting! His parents are military and fastidious about routine, order etc. and he was made to do things like iron his school uniform in a certain way etc.. you can probably imagine. He then went to boarding school where the routine was also very strict with high standards. I think he bottles emotion a lot and sudden stressful moments are like a trigger where it all comes pouring out.

I can definitely discuss it with him, he’s very reasonable when we’re not in one of those moments.

Show quote history

I think this could well be the problem.

But he does need to work on it or your DC will learn from his behaviour. In the way he, in turn, may have learnt it from his parents. Plus, he’ll keep creating unnecessary stress for you. Would he be willing to try therapy to help with this?

Also, I agree with an early PP who said it may need better (more precise, open and assertive) communication on both sides. He sounds quite passive aggressive. If he can’t juggle work and dropping you places in the car, he needs to say, rather than agree to do it and then lose his shit.

You: ‘Can you take a break from work between 3:30pm and 4:00pm today to take us to the GP, wait outside in the car with DS, then take us back home?’

Him: ‘No I have a work meeting at 3:45pm. It’s your NWD. What would you do if I wasn’t WFH but in the office/at a work meeting/event?’

You: ‘I know it’s not ideal, but could you possibly rearrange your work meeting as I’ve tried every taxi firm, friends, family and I can’t think of any other way I can get DD to the GP’.

Him: ‘Yes, I’ll rearrange’ or ‘No, I really can’t. You’ll have to rearrange the GP appointment on the basis you can’t get her there or ask to speak to the GP on the phone/online’.

LillyPJ · 29/04/2025 21:06

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2025 16:18

How do others get to the GP or other urgent appointments if they don’t drive?

Bus? Taxi? Walk? Ask a friend?

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 21:03

howshouldibehave · 29/04/2025 20:59

No taxi was going to collect us for a last minute very short journey

It wasn't last minute. You got the appointment this morning? Plus, of course a taxi will take you a short journey! No, they won't wait for you, but you then call a return cab once you're out of the doctors.

Sounds like your DH was being a bit of a dick but communication needs to be better if you know he gets easily stressed like that.

You: DD is too ill to walk to the doctor for her 2pm appointment-I know you're working today, but can you take us? I don't know how long it's going to be, but she won't be able to walk home so you'd have to stay there and wait the whole time.
Him: but I've got a meeting at 3, so that doesn't work.
You: ok, I'll get a taxi then.

Something like that.

Of course women must do the emotional and organizational labour to accommodate a man being a dick.

the other solution is that man does his own emotional labour and stops being a dick - in the context of a society which expects men to be responsible for not being ficks and doesn’t expect women to do the labour to accommodate the dickishness

MintSnail · 29/04/2025 21:02

Inattentive ADHD? Executive function issue. He probably really can't help it. X

howshouldibehave · 29/04/2025 20:59

No taxi was going to collect us for a last minute very short journey

It wasn't last minute. You got the appointment this morning? Plus, of course a taxi will take you a short journey! No, they won't wait for you, but you then call a return cab once you're out of the doctors.

Sounds like your DH was being a bit of a dick but communication needs to be better if you know he gets easily stressed like that.

You: DD is too ill to walk to the doctor for her 2pm appointment-I know you're working today, but can you take us? I don't know how long it's going to be, but she won't be able to walk home so you'd have to stay there and wait the whole time.
Him: but I've got a meeting at 3, so that doesn't work.
You: ok, I'll get a taxi then.

Something like that.

Darkambergingerlily · 29/04/2025 20:54

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:24

He was a boarding school child with military parents..

Show quote history

Oh my gosh same OP!!!!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 29/04/2025 20:46

My DH is like this. I often wonder if he has ASC traits. His parents always went bananas if their plans got disrupted.

He gets so stressed about disruption, it's made him scrape our car when manoeuvring out of our drive when in a 'rage', which cost about £1,500 to sort out. He's great in many ways but can be a total in this one respect.

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:46

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc

he sounds a bit… thick?

Nn9011 · 29/04/2025 20:45

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:53

No, is this even an adhd symptom?

Show quote history

No usually we stress about the small things but we're very good in an emergency. It's why lots of ADHDers become doctors.

Ineedtocheckmylist · 29/04/2025 20:44

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:39

Interesting! His parents are military and fastidious about routine, order etc. and he was made to do things like iron his school uniform in a certain way etc.. you can probably imagine. He then went to boarding school where the routine was also very strict with high standards. I think he bottles emotion a lot and sudden stressful moments are like a trigger where it all comes pouring out.

I can definitely discuss it with him, he’s very reasonable when we’re not in one of those moments.

Show quote history

My DH went to boarding school but very relaxed about routine, order, clothes being ironed etc. I'm state educated & much more fussy about these things than him. A bit of a sweeping assumption.

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:43

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:42

A whole 3%!

Show quote history

Within a couple of minutes that was laugh😂

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:42

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:41

Thank you, this is how I feel. I posted in a moment of irritation but this evening things are fine and we work well as a team on a day to day basis. I don’t really believe that there are people out there who NEVER outwardly show even justified annoyance - I just want him to tone it down in specific situations as it’s obviously bothering me.

Show quote history

You’ve done quite the turn around op

which I suppose keeps this marriage going

all the best

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:42

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:39

I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

so it’s dropping!

Show quote history

A whole 3%!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:42

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:40

You would throw a buggy in the car?

youd “rant and rave”

you’d storm off muttering?

Show quote history

Yep, I have been known to do things like that in the past. I remember once losing it over the state of the house, shoving a load of stuff in a bin bag and throwing it down the stairs.

OP posts:
Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:41

Yea it’s bloody exhausting and adds another stressful dimension to an already stressful situation. Managing their outburst while keeping control and searching for a solution gets very draining.

Sounds awful op. What a way to live. Any tiny rederailment and you know he’s going to fall apart

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:41

Ineedtocheckmylist · 29/04/2025 20:36

Hun some people on MN are rather...how do I put this nicely...acid? negative?

Ignore them.

You know your DH, as you say he has many lovely qualities, only you know your DH & how your life is. You asked for an opinion & everyone is entitled to give it, you don't need to take notice of everyone.

My darling mother used to say that a long marriage (she was married to my father for 58 years until he died) is all about compromise. She used to say as long as it's good 70% of the time you're doing well. Sometimes it's 70% shit, but if you can work on it, keep talking & laughing together & get it back to 70% good, that's OK. Trust me, there was a time when her life with my father was 70% shit, but they worked it through.

Unfortunately with my XH life was 90% shit at the end, we weren't properly talking & deffo no laughs. But I'm happily re-married & life is 80% good. I think because we're both well over the age of 60 & have learned to pick our battles & that life is too short to get stressed over small things. More than anything we have learned to laugh together.

Show quote history

Thank you, this is how I feel. I posted in a moment of irritation but this evening things are fine and we work well as a team on a day to day basis. I don’t really believe that there are people out there who NEVER outwardly show even justified annoyance - I just want him to tone it down in specific situations as it’s obviously bothering me.

OP posts:
Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:40

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 20:39

I do it too, usually when we’re all late out the door. So they’ll have a negative view of women too!

Show quote history

You would throw a buggy in the car?

youd “rant and rave”

you’d storm off muttering?

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 20:39

Haveapotato · 29/04/2025 20:26

Tbh can see myself getting in a tizzy over this

DH: can you give me a lift to X I need to be there at 4

Me: (slightly distracted because work), yep no probs (thinking that's ok I have a break in meetings between 3 and 4, I'll be back in time for the 4.00 meeting)

Drop DH off, ready to head home...oh no I need you to wait for me. My job is such that I cannot cancel calls at short notice as I'm often chairing. I'd be really flustered, especially if he was trying to argue me round when I know if I don't head back straight away I'll miss the start of the meeting.

If he'd asked for a lift TO X, rightly or wrongly I'd have assumed that's all he needed, I wouldn't be thinking about how he would get back, particularly on a day when I'm busy working and he's not.

Yeah but on mumsnet he’d be the arse in that situation…

badwithnumbers · 29/04/2025 20:39

I feel like the driving and GP appt are red herrings... the point is that your husband becomes nasty and aggressive when he is expected to pull his weight... that is the issue. Does he deep down think it's not his 'job' to sort things out?

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 20:39

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:40

This is his mood only when something goes off piste. The other 98% of the time he’s absolutely fine. But it’s like 1 thing trips him.

I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

so it’s dropping!

Swipe left for the next trending thread