Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

How do others get to the GP or other urgent appointments if they don’t drive?

If it’s like other mumsnetters that don’t drive

they live very rurally
no pavements
unhappy marriage

You can’t just interrupt work to do driving esp if you have things scheduled with colleagues, perhaps other companies. I know I can’t in my work and neither can my husband unless it was an emergency. This is not an emergency - the child has another parent with them that is not working. It’s arisen because OP can’t drive and it is very frustrating to be the only driver.

There are multiple threads on MN with women saying how people assume if they are wfh that they are just available for other things. They are not just as they would not be if in the office.

Sounds like the issue is his poor diary management
OP has said it was a last minute journey so difficult to manage a diary.
I think in this scenario she is being unreasonable and the main issue is that she can’t drive and as a working person, I would be annoyed. But it maybe a case of the straw that broke the camels back for OP.

How often do you think he has to interrupt work to do the driving? I'd guess not very often. He just seems unreasonable and bad tempered. I hope he's not the OP's driving instructor.

I would put this situation down to poor communication from you both.
You said you needed a lift to the doctors, which he clearly didn't think meant to wait around and then bring you all back. If he is the driver it would have made sense for him to have taken DD on his own. So you should have said DD has an appointment at 1pm, you need to take her. He should then have pointed out the meeting (and as it is work you should have then looked at a taxi). I don't know why people think WFH means you can do what you want when you want.
It wasn't an emergency by the sounds of it, rather a pre booked appointment. Should you have been taking DD to it anyway as was ill? Could you have rearranged it for when she is better (unless I have misunderstood and you booked the appointment this morning because her illness that started today).

This would allow you to manage without any help. Maybe one to request another time if it comes up.
Yes, you must not upset DH. 😅
Tough for him.

It is most likely learned behaviour. Do his parents flap too?
My DH used to get in a flap like this, as does his Dad, makes a mountain out of a molehill.

Similar to going in long drives, he would huff and puff.

I brought it to his attention how useless it was, also he looks like his Dad while he is flappy, I am not attracted to his Dad, i won't pussy foot his moods, he changed and is calmer, if he starts flapping, I'llgive him the side eye like a child.

Your DH needs more responsibility not less.

Hope DD will be better soon.

The other easy possible solution would have been to request a call/video call appointment, explaining you don’t drive and daughter isn’t well enough to manage the walk. This would allow you to manage without any help. Maybe one to request another time if it comes up.

Sounds like the issue is his poor diary management. He forgot he had to drive you, or he forgot he had a meeting, and he ended up having to cut it fine or rearrange at the last minute. I would also get into an absolute tizzy at that (and indeed I have done, I'm awful for failing to take into account how long things take to do). I lose my cool because I'm angry at myself for being an idiot, mostly.

Some people keep a cool head in an emergency and others don't. You usually have some idea of which one your partner is before you marry them. DP and I often joke that he's the calm, capable one when the emergency is something extremely urgent and time-sensitive and requires action right now - but when there's a crisis that gives me time to think and plan a way out of it, I'm much better. We don't really consider these faults in each other.

I am normally the first in the "you have a Dh problem" queue, but I disagree. A child needing to go to the doctor, when one parent is already off for the day, doesn't require two parents to plan around it. It needs one parent deciding what is needed and can be accomodated and, if necessary, asking the other parent what they can/can't do to help.

It's a doctor's appointment, not a trip to the other side of the country for complex tests.

He's utterly useless. Over time he'll get worse and you'll be bald from tearing your hair out.

On top of being useless he is also a nasty piece of work.

And if it is… this family just be in a near constant state of tension drama and arguing!

The best way to get the measure of a man is either say no, or be ill.

When you say he's okay 98% of the time is that because you are doing what he wants or doesn't care about but the 2% is when you say no?

That’s not an emergency is it?

That sounds super annoying. I get it as while it’s not this thing my OH also does stuff that irritates me immensely and is objectively unreasonable but only occasionally and I do accept he’s not actively trying to annoy me.
With the specific issue today it sounds like the communication wasn’t the best all round as you were not 100% clear what you needed and he failed miserably to recognise that ill child + need for lift meant both ways. It feels like what you needed was to have a short discussion that went - ok issue is only appointment is Xpm, daughter can’t manage walk there/back as poorly and it’s not ideal to take youngest with us. What are our options? The answer is basically he takes daughter to appointment OR he drives you all and cares for son in car while you go to appointment OR he watches son at home while you get taxi to appointment. If you have that discussion it’s clear he needs to be available for that 30-60 minutes to help out and he needs to cancel his work call.
On the communication front we have a shared calendar. If it’s not in there as one of us forgot then it’s not officially happening and if it clashes with something else that’s booked later but added to calendar then that’s basically tough. It works well for us and means we can always see what’s going on. Obviously doesn’t help with late changes to plans due to unforeseen circumstances & ultimately however irritated he is it’s not your fault and he shouldn’t be swearing and muttering away with complaints. I get it might happen sometimes as we are all human but if it’s common he needs to find a better and more adult way to express his irritation.

Why? There is a parent who is not working that can take the child to the GP. Both parents do not need to go, esp if one is working. Organise a taxi both ways.

Does this only happen when his work is interrupted- perhaps he has stress ? Sounds a bit like burnout

Oh behave.
It's something that needs a doctor's appointment and is out of the ordinary for the day.
OP didn't mean anything else.

He should have got involved with the arrangements. He could have dropped you early. Had the meeting, then pick you up, or taxi home. He has a sick child, it interrupts the day. When you are both calm you need to talk about better communication.

I am not sure I'd call this him being bad in an emergency. He's cranky and rude and, assuming that you ALWAYS have to drop everything to sort out kids that are sick etc, yes, that is not okay. BUT, in this instance, I think I'd have been annoyed too. If I was working, and DH was not working I think I'd expect him to sort out a lift to the doctor. I absolutely would expect that if he DID ask me for a lift, it would just be a lift and not me then looking after the toddler for 30 minutes while you were in the doctor and if he did want me to look after the toddler, I'd expect him to tell me that.

You say you can't read his mind - he can't read yours. You are on a non working day which means that you are responsible for stuff at home. Any hel you want needs to be explicitly stated.

Obviously, if he never helps. if he'd behave this way even if it was his non working day and you were working, that's a different story.

Why not just get a taxi back ? He is in work time after all ??

When this crisis passes, tell him you and he need to sit down together and talk.

Topics to include -
Fair division of parenting roles, including taking turns to deal with sick calls from school.
Calendar sharing. This is really easy.
The expectation of flexibility and excellent communication when things go askew.
The expectation that divergences from plans will be handled without cursing, swearing, or other displays of impatience or temper.

You're dealing with a man who seems to have got the idea into his head that despite being a husband and father, he can indulge in tunnel vision and devote all his attention to his paid work, while you are expected to be available to handle all of the ups and downs involving the children despite having your own job that comes with the expectation that youll be there to do your work.
All of this should be discussed, as a matter of urgency, in marriage counseling.