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Original poster

Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

366 replies

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:32

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2025 16:40

I think you are minimising.

Ranting, swearing and throwing objects is aggressive. Would he do that in front of his boss?

Also, he is blaming you.

Glitchymn1 · 29/04/2025 16:40

Taxi? He sounds stressed.

ColdTofuSandwich · 29/04/2025 16:40

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2025 16:13

You can’t just interrupt work to do driving esp if you have things scheduled with colleagues, perhaps other companies. I know I can’t in my work and neither can my husband unless it was an emergency. This is not an emergency - the child has another parent with them that is not working. It’s arisen because OP can’t drive and it is very frustrating to be the only driver.

There are multiple threads on MN with women saying how people assume if they are wfh that they are just available for other things. They are not just as they would not be if in the office.

Show quote history

This 100%!

I can’t just stop work - I’m working at home all day. If I had to because I had an ill child then that’s different. If DH was off and needed me then he’d have to take his chances - and he’d need to organise a GP call in between my work calls if I was needed

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:39

Ineedtocheckmylist · 29/04/2025 16:35

My XH would go into meltdown whenever something wasn't going to plan. Kitchen sink not draining, he's running around stressing (I mean total hysteria) about getting a plumber & worrying about how much it's going to cost. I suggest getting the plunger out - he would say that all the time wasted trying useless plunger would only mean a plumber would charge more the later into the evening it got. Guess what? Yes, the plunger cleared it.

No hot water - Him: OMG we're going to need a new boiler, how much is that going to cost? How will we manage without hot water? I say have you checked that the pressure hasn't dropped? Yes, he'd bled the radiators earlier that day, taken too much water out of the system & the pressure had dropped. Simple job to fix that.

Apparently he was the same at work - they would make jokes about him spending 20 minutes telling people how he didn't have enough time to complete a 10 minute task and would go into a complete spin if asked to cover a job that he wasn't expecting to cover.

YES DH is the same!!!! He spends so much time ranting and raving when something goes wrong, that calmly looking for a solution (starting with the least laborious and most simple one) doesn’t occur to him. I could’ve written this myself. It’s so draining, but not LTB as like I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 29/04/2025 16:39

Yes mine was the same. Culminating in calling me horrific names in the car after a cancer diagnosis. In front of our child.

There’s really no excuse. I had to leave and am much happier without the needless added stress and abuse

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 16:39

My DH doesn't cope with changes to routine or complex planning at short notice. I suspect he has ADHD but that's not really the point. I have a mix of coping mechanisms ranging from: shouting at him to suck it up, to getting on with it and then calmly telling him what I expect from him, in detail.

It's reasonable to be irritated that he can't manage this stuff. But I still think you are being unreasonable in this instance and could have communicated better.

CountryCob · 29/04/2025 16:39

In reply to the title, DH is great in an emergency but can be a little severe at other times. If he was at work he would not be involved in the appointment at all, if I was at work and he was off I wouldn't be involved. I agree with the posters who say this isn't an emergency, important but not an emergency. No one should be flappy or expecting a rescue from someone else IMO.

Permanentlytiredandgrumpy · 29/04/2025 16:38

He shouldn't act the way he did after agreeing to give you a lift. On the other hand, I'd probably be annoyed if my partner who isn't working can't sort out bringing our child to the doctors without interrupting my work day. I think you should've communicated your expectations that he would need to drive you both back and he should've communicated it if it was too busy at work so you could make alternative arrangements ie cab/uber

Pomegranatecarnage · 29/04/2025 16:38

As you weren’t working I think you should’ve got a taxi. My ex husband didn’t drive and it meant that it was always my problem to get the children somewhere. It’s exhausting.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:37

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2025 16:34

This is classic abusive behaviour OP.

Because you know he will do this, you do everything you can to avoid 'triggering' him.

It's manipulative and a very damaging environment to raise kids in. Are you aware of this? Are you going to raise the children to tip toe around him as well?

Show quote history

I honestly don’t think he’s being manipulative. It’s hard to show a full view of somebody’s personality when you’re talking about a single thing which pisses you off. He’s never actually raised his voice to me, he’s very generous financially, he definitely sees himself as an equal parent and I’m really not a ‘put upon mum’ who is the default caregiver. I go away for the night or a weekend a few times a year and he’s happy to look after the kids, and vice versa.

It’s hard to describe but it’s like he honestly believes everyone else lives very smooth lives and we’re the only ones with this level of disruption, and that nobody else has ever had to cancel a meeting due to a sick child etc - a classic case of ‘everyone else looks like they have their shit together and we don’t’. That and very poor communication. His family are similar

OP posts:
Ineedtocheckmylist · 29/04/2025 16:35

My XH would go into meltdown whenever something wasn't going to plan. Kitchen sink not draining, he's running around stressing (I mean total hysteria) about getting a plumber & worrying about how much it's going to cost. I suggest getting the plunger out - he would say that all the time wasted trying useless plunger would only mean a plumber would charge more the later into the evening it got. Guess what? Yes, the plunger cleared it.

No hot water - Him: OMG we're going to need a new boiler, how much is that going to cost? How will we manage without hot water? I say have you checked that the pressure hasn't dropped? Yes, he'd bled the radiators earlier that day, taken too much water out of the system & the pressure had dropped. Simple job to fix that.

Apparently he was the same at work - they would make jokes about him spending 20 minutes telling people how he didn't have enough time to complete a 10 minute task and would go into a complete spin if asked to cover a job that he wasn't expecting to cover.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:34

Moonnstars · 29/04/2025 16:08

I would put this situation down to poor communication from you both.
You said you needed a lift to the doctors, which he clearly didn't think meant to wait around and then bring you all back. If he is the driver it would have made sense for him to have taken DD on his own. So you should have said DD has an appointment at 1pm, you need to take her. He should then have pointed out the meeting (and as it is work you should have then looked at a taxi). I don't know why people think WFH means you can do what you want when you want.
It wasn't an emergency by the sounds of it, rather a pre booked appointment. Should you have been taking DD to it anyway as was ill? Could you have rearranged it for when she is better (unless I have misunderstood and you booked the appointment this morning because her illness that started today).

This is a fair summary I would say, but the GP appointment was for her current illness and not planned in advance. We phoned this morning and were offered the 1 appointment with no flexibility

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2025 16:34

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:40

This is his mood only when something goes off piste. The other 98% of the time he’s absolutely fine. But it’s like 1 thing trips him.

This is classic abusive behaviour OP.

Because you know he will do this, you do everything you can to avoid 'triggering' him.

It's manipulative and a very damaging environment to raise kids in. Are you aware of this? Are you going to raise the children to tip toe around him as well?

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 16:34

Did you actually explain to him that you would need him to hang aroudn and watch the toddler? I mean, realistically, if you asked him for a lift there, I can see why you thought it was obvious you would need a lift back (I'd still have specified that myself), but I honestly don't think ti's weird that he didn't realise he'd have to look after the toddler.

AutumnLeaves91 · 29/04/2025 16:33

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:33

Shudder

sounds awful

and yes i know you’re learning but yet another mumsnetter reliant on her partner to get anywhere!!

‘Yes I know you’re learning but’ - how is that last part of your reply helpful??

wrongthinker · 29/04/2025 16:33

He sounds like a twat.

He's great until he actually has to be a partner to you and support you. Then he falls apart.

I would tell him it's a deal breaker. Either step up and support his family or fuck off. But then I do not have patience for that kind of thing.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:31

Ihopeyouhavent · 29/04/2025 16:30

If he was working, why didnt you just get a taxi?

Explained below

OP posts:
Ihopeyouhavent · 29/04/2025 16:30

If he was working, why didnt you just get a taxi?

jolota · 29/04/2025 16:29

Yes, I get this sometimes with my husband. It's extremely frustrating.
He doesn't deal with what I deem minor inconveniences well at all. Always an overreaction that stresses everyone else involved out far more than necessary and makes the situation worse than it needs to be.
But he normally sees that he was being unreasonable and apologises afterwards.
His whole family are like this, its learnt behaviour and unlearning is difficult.

gannett · 29/04/2025 16:28

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2025 16:08

Sounds like the issue is his poor diary management
OP has said it was a last minute journey so difficult to manage a diary.
I think in this scenario she is being unreasonable and the main issue is that she can’t drive and as a working person, I would be annoyed. But it maybe a case of the straw that broke the camels back for OP.

Edited
Show quote history

But he agreed and then later had to be reminded so I'm assuming there was a decent amount of time between those things - it was last-minute as in the OP booked it this morning rather than literally with no warning. And he shouldn't have agreed if it clashed with a meeting, or he should have rearranged the meeting earlier.

Regardless of the timeframe, I think it's a reasonable thing to get in a tizzy about. My basic point is that I don't think getting into a flap over emergencies is a huge character flaw. It's not ideal - I would love to be calm in a crisis! - but it is what it is. People have the characters they have.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/04/2025 16:28

I think in this scenario she is being unreasonable and the main issue is that she can’t drive and as a working person, I would be annoyed. But it maybe a case of the straw that broke the camels back for OP.
Maybe OP should be annoyed too, her plans changed as DD get sick
As a parent plans change.
Furthermore I doubt this is the first time he acted like a disorganised child when a plan changed or emergency cropped up.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:23

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/04/2025 16:22

Just ignore.
MNETTERS putting the boot in unnecessarily.

Show quote history

Thank you

I get myself to work, to the shops, to the kids school, and usually the GP - walking there isn’t an issue. But DD is unwell and walking 15 minutes in the heat (it’s really hot today) up a hill would’ve really upset her - she has a temperature etc and is weak/tired

OP posts:
Brightonrockkk · 29/04/2025 16:23

Does anyone here with a bitchy comment to say about us non drivers fancy chipping in a few quid for lessons for me then? It's not always a choice ffs

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:22

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2025 16:18

How do others get to the GP or other urgent appointments if they don’t drive?

I’ve taken the kids to and from A&E by taxi. The A&E is a 25 minute drive so generally they’re happy to do it, as it’s about £30.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/04/2025 16:22

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:21

I don’t live very rurally, I live a 5 minute walk from a train station and bus route but they don’t go in the direction of the GP. I’m having lessons, the reason I haven’t done the test yet is basically because I’m a type 1 diabetic and my diabetes has only become stabilised enough to do it since getting the closed loop

Show quote history

Just ignore.
MNETTERS putting the boot in unnecessarily.