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Original poster

Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

366 replies

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:32

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 17:01

Blinkingbother · 29/04/2025 16:59

While his mega strop is completely unacceptable the lack of communication & organisation here is also an issue. If your dd is young enough to have gone in the buggy (but I think older than your ds?) could you not have popped her on your shoulders whilst ds went in the buggy (& remained strapped in not to distract at the appointment)? A cheap buggy board for emergencies would be a good idea.

She’s 6 and I’m very slight. Putting her on my shoulders and pushing a buggy up a hill in the heat with the diabetes would be a recipe for disaster! (Type 1s will know!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:59

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/04/2025 16:57

It's a symptom of autism.
Unquestionably.

Not being able to cope with changes of plan is classic autism. Also your husband's extreme response.

Show quote history

It’s not the changes. He’s fine on holiday, enjoys days out, trips, seeing friends, when he’s not working he’s very flexible and we do things spontaneously.

He’s just very stressy when things go ‘wrong’

OP posts:
ohyesido · 29/04/2025 16:59

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:53

No, is this even an adhd symptom?

Show quote history

Yes, not anticipating that you might need a lift back also is a symptom. People with adhd often wonder why others around them are bewildered when they don’t automatically know what is expected of them.

Blinkingbother · 29/04/2025 16:59

While his mega strop is completely unacceptable the lack of communication & organisation here is also an issue. If your dd is young enough to have gone in the buggy (but I think older than your ds?) could you not have popped her on your shoulders whilst ds went in the buggy (& remained strapped in not to distract at the appointment)? A cheap buggy board for emergencies would be a good idea.

ICanTellYouMissMe · 29/04/2025 16:58

My husband can be a wee but like this and my friends wife is also like this - we empathise with each other!

Some people are fine with plans that abruptly change and some struggle with it. I don’t think he’s necessarily a prick who thinks his time is more important than yours - he sounds like he’s just not very comfortable with changing plans being chucked at him.

Which is v annoying but he is who he is.

Barney16 · 29/04/2025 16:57

My ex was exactly like this and I left him. Didn't leave him soon enough tbh. He behaved and still behaves like a spoilt brat. Great if it's all going his way. Absolute nightmare if he's asked to put himself out even in the slightest or something doesn't suit. The relief when I realised I didn't have to pussy foot around him anymore was just amazing.

Ineedtocheckmylist · 29/04/2025 16:57

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:39

YES DH is the same!!!! He spends so much time ranting and raving when something goes wrong, that calmly looking for a solution (starting with the least laborious and most simple one) doesn’t occur to him. I could’ve written this myself. It’s so draining, but not LTB as like I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

Show quote history

My DS is convinced that XH has an Autism Spectrum Disorder partly because of how difficult & stressful he found it to manage any change or disruption to his expected routine or plans.

He HAD to spend 20 minutes every evening when he got home from work doing his job for the day - could be cutting his toenails, changing his bed (we slept separately, but that's another story & the main reason I left him). He had a task to complete allocated every day of the week & it was non-negotiable to the extent that he would start shouting & getting very upset if I suggested that he lay the table, help DS with a homework problem or something to help out the family so that I could get on with preparing the meal, lunches for the next day etc & do 'his' stuff after dinner.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 29/04/2025 16:57

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:53

No, is this even an adhd symptom?

Show quote history

It's a symptom of autism.
Unquestionably.

Not being able to cope with changes of plan is classic autism. Also your husband's extreme response.

ThriveIn2025 · 29/04/2025 16:57

ohyesido · 29/04/2025 16:52

Sorry to be that person but… ADHD?

I doubt very much he has ADHD given OP has said this is 5% of the time and his only fault.

TwoWithCurls · 29/04/2025 16:57

My husband is like this over every minor little thing. It’s very stressful.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 29/04/2025 16:56

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

to be fair, its a pretty big fault. The question is, what are you prepared to do about it? He is not going to change on his own - and why would he change? Its working for him.

Whippetlovely · 29/04/2025 16:56

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:42

Explained why I couldn’t below

Show quote history

Op taxis will pick you up for a short journey they just charge a minimum fee and no they won't wait for you to have your appointment you just ring them to collect you after and pay the min fee again. I think your husband has been rude but if he's working and it's caused him to miss his meeting I can see why he'd be annoyed. If he was In the office he wouldn't be able to swan off, working at home should be the same. I'm sure single mums have these issues to contend with and have to get on with it. I think you need to have some conversations about your communication and planning.

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 16:54

If this was the other way round you’d be told to let him struggle and sort it as he’s off work and you are working.

also that wfh doesn’t mean free to do lots of things, work is important and he shouldn’t interrupt you

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:53

ohyesido · 29/04/2025 16:52

Sorry to be that person but… ADHD?

No, is this even an adhd symptom?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:52

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 16:48

I do have sympathy with this. It's catastrophising. Dh's entire family has this tendency. DH has got much better - not least because I've laughed at him a few times as he's been in a spin about something so ridiculous. Examples between him, his siblings and his parents include (just off the top of my head):

SIL being absolutel FURIOUS with me because I wasn't panicking and refusing to let DS leave the house alone after there was a report of an attempted abduction in our area (of a much younger child, by a family member, that was thwarted).

FIL melting down because I took my engagement ring to be resized at an extremely reputable, upmarket jeweller that my family have been using for years in case they stole the (normal sied, not particularly large) diamond in my ring.

SIL and DH melting down because those small windows that are too small for a person were left open in their flat (1st floor) in case crack addicts, "who will do anythign for a fix" somehow found a way to get up to the top of the first floor and then a way to wriggle through those windows or use them to access other windows and then got into the house.

DH convinced he was going to die because the doctor's office sent him a message saying that one of his blood results was inconclusive and they'd like him to please come in for a new test (spoiler - chat gpt made it clear it's common for this test to be inconclusive and, shock horror, DH's test was completely fine after).

It is relentless. So I am sympathetic.

Show quote history

I bet that was cathartic to write! Yea it’s bloody exhausting and adds another stressful dimension to an already stressful situation. Managing their outburst while keeping control and searching for a solution gets very draining. They’re fine however as they’ve released all their stress onto you.

OP posts:
ohyesido · 29/04/2025 16:52

Sorry to be that person but… ADHD?

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:50

ShakeNvacStevens · 29/04/2025 16:48

My mum doesn't drive so up until we were around 5-6 yo, if we were too unwell to walk the 20 mins to the doctor's she'd take us in the pushchair - we loved it!

I did offer to take DD in the buggy and leave DS behind so at least he could be ‘online’ and explain his toddler was watching TV in the background (and before anyone starts no, he doesn’t watch TV all day!), but he said no he would drive us.

OP posts:
ShakeNvacStevens · 29/04/2025 16:48

My mum doesn't drive so up until we were around 5-6 yo, if we were too unwell to walk the 20 mins to the doctor's she'd take us in the pushchair - we loved it!

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 16:48

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:39

YES DH is the same!!!! He spends so much time ranting and raving when something goes wrong, that calmly looking for a solution (starting with the least laborious and most simple one) doesn’t occur to him. I could’ve written this myself. It’s so draining, but not LTB as like I said 95% of the time he’s a very good partner and goes above and beyond for us.

Show quote history

I do have sympathy with this. It's catastrophising. Dh's entire family has this tendency. DH has got much better - not least because I've laughed at him a few times as he's been in a spin about something so ridiculous. Examples between him, his siblings and his parents include (just off the top of my head):

SIL being absolutel FURIOUS with me because I wasn't panicking and refusing to let DS leave the house alone after there was a report of an attempted abduction in our area (of a much younger child, by a family member, that was thwarted).

FIL melting down because I took my engagement ring to be resized at an extremely reputable, upmarket jeweller that my family have been using for years in case they stole the (normal sied, not particularly large) diamond in my ring.

SIL and DH melting down because those small windows that are too small for a person were left open in their flat (1st floor) in case crack addicts, "who will do anythign for a fix" somehow found a way to get up to the top of the first floor and then a way to wriggle through those windows or use them to access other windows and then got into the house.

DH convinced he was going to die because the doctor's office sent him a message saying that one of his blood results was inconclusive and they'd like him to please come in for a new test (spoiler - chat gpt made it clear it's common for this test to be inconclusive and, shock horror, DH's test was completely fine after).

It is relentless. So I am sympathetic.

PurpleThistle7 · 29/04/2025 16:44

I think this might not be a great example
as I think neither of you behaved well. I’d absolutely assume he was dropping all of you off as you said the walk uphill was the problem so it would be downhill on the way back. I wouldn’t assume someone would be working and looking after a toddler if I was off work. There were just a lot of assumptions made so I think you both failed here. But if this is just one example of many of course it’s different.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/04/2025 16:44

This just sounds like a normal stressy family situation when things are a bit hectic. He’s working. You’re not. One kid off poorly, one is two, you don’t drive, it’s sweltering hot, he’s got back to back calls at work.

If he’s like this for two percent of the time I really wouldn’t worry. Jesus I swear under my breath all the time. It was a misunderstanding and it’s difficult for him as he is working. My husband would be the same. I get it. Young kids are stressful. When one is off ill, the stress ramps up, when one parent HAS to work it ramps up, when the working parent is expected to work and taxi the family it just gets too much. But by tonight all will be well again.

Just normal family life in my opinion. Surely everyone has days like this. I’d think he was a drip if he said ‘don’t worry about my call at 2pm I’ll just hang round the doctors until you’re done darling, let me work around you and only you.’ You both have a lot on your plate, just call each other a fucking idiot, kiss and make up.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:42

Whippetlovely · 29/04/2025 16:40

Yes I was going to say she should have got a taxi if he was working. If he was in the office she would have.

Show quote history

Explained why I couldn’t below

OP posts:
Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:42

WallaceinAnderland · 29/04/2025 16:40

I think you are minimising.

Ranting, swearing and throwing objects is aggressive. Would he do that in front of his boss?

Also, he is blaming you.

No but then I don’t treat him how I treat my boss, I think it’s a false comparison. I think people will always blow off steam a bit more around people they know well, it’s just when it becomes disproportionate and unhelpful.

OP posts:
Whippetlovely · 29/04/2025 16:40

noworklifebalance · 29/04/2025 15:39

I can see it from both sides.

It must be extremely frustrating to be the only driver in a household and then have to interrupt your working day to do the driving when the other parent is not even working.
Could you not have booked a taxi to the GP?

But I don’t think you should be the only one interrupting your work when it falls on both your working days. Doesn’t mean to say if should always be 50:50 - one persons work maybe more conducive to flexible working or more supportive of time off for parental purposes.

Yes I was going to say she should have got a taxi if he was working. If he was in the office she would have.

Original poster
Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:40

AnotherNaCha · 29/04/2025 16:39

Yes mine was the same. Culminating in calling me horrific names in the car after a cancer diagnosis. In front of our child.

There’s really no excuse. I had to leave and am much happier without the needless added stress and abuse

Oh good grief. I’m sorry to hear that. DH wouldn’t do this - I was admitted for a serious illness a few years ago, and when the shit really hit the fan he was calm and empathetic. So I know he can do it.

OP posts: