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Original poster

Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

366 replies

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 15:32

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 29/04/2025 17:31

If he wasn't working from home, how would you have managed? It really doesn't need input from both of you to get to a GP 1 mile away. His reactions were immature, but he was working and you weren't. You should have made your own way there and back. I promise a taxi would have taken you.

BigHeadBertha · 29/04/2025 17:28

My husband doesn't have that problem but he definitely has a couple of things that drive me nuts, though he's great overall. Then again, I'm sure that goes the other way too. I guess all ya can do is keep trying to find ways to correct or minimize the areas you clash in and "grin and bear it" otherwise.

For ex. can you think of one thing to start doing right now, that you can do consistently, that will partly alleviate this? Either on your own or getting some kind of agreement on it from him. Good luck with it!

Itiswhysofew · 29/04/2025 17:27

loropianalover · 29/04/2025 15:38

Does he treat people this way at work when things go wrong? I bet he’s able to handle it like an adult then.

That's exactly what I always think.

Seems OP's his punching bag when he doesn't want to deal with things.

My DS was married to someone similar. She wasn't perfect, but this ground her down and she divorced him.

ScrewedByFunding · 29/04/2025 17:26

BlueTitShark · 29/04/2025 17:19

I agree.
But I also dint think it takes a mind reader to know that if YOUR CHILD can’t walk one mile one way because they’re ill then they won’t be able to walk one mile back either! I’d have expected a father to have thought about that tbh.

Very different from a work schedule that the OP has no way of knowing.

Show quote history

But she knows he's at work? Presumably working... she's taking advantage of the fact that he can work from home. My dh doesn't and likewise my job isn't overly flexible, we both just cracked on and deal with it, real, actual emergencies aside, we wouldn't be asking each other to stop working. This isn't an emergency despite the OP declaring it one.

whatkatydid2014 · 29/04/2025 17:23

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/04/2025 16:05

This would allow you to manage without any help. Maybe one to request another time if it comes up.
Yes, you must not upset DH. 😅
Tough for him.

It’s not about upsetting anyone but rather a pragmatic solution. If there is an alternative where no one’s work needs to be interrupted and poorly kids don’t need to be taken out of the house it’s a better option 🤷🏼‍♀️

Viviennemary · 29/04/2025 17:22

He is actually meant to be at work. YABU.

Katbum · 29/04/2025 17:21

I think he is being ott, but it is also really annoying to be working from home and have your OH behave as if you have the day off. Mine does it all the time and it drives me batshit.

BlueTitShark · 29/04/2025 17:19

ScrewedByFunding · 29/04/2025 17:14

Well he's not a mind reader either then. She asked him to drop them to the doctors, not wait around, look after ds and drive them home again.... works both ways doesn't it?

Show quote history

I agree.
But I also dint think it takes a mind reader to know that if YOUR CHILD can’t walk one mile one way because they’re ill then they won’t be able to walk one mile back either! I’d have expected a father to have thought about that tbh.

Very different from a work schedule that the OP has no way of knowing.

BumbleBeegu · 29/04/2025 17:19

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 15:43

at the end of the day he think he and his time is more important than yours

Well to some extent (in this particular instance) it is! He was working…OP could have arranged a lift elsewhere or booked a taxi. I’d be pretty pissed off if I was working and another, perfectly able, adult demanded that I stopped and drove her a
mile up the road. I know the child was sick, but there are alternatives she could have used.

HOWEVER…how he behaved (behaves) is not acceptable and this would also piss me off. He had agreed to take them after all 🤷‍♀️

I guess I’m saying, I can see both sides to this. Communication is key…as is taking responsibility for your own transport arrangements if you’re the ‘non-driver’ in a relationship.

Squirrelblanket · 29/04/2025 17:17

My husband is like this. Fantastic in an ACTUAL emergency situation but has little resilience over life's small mishaps.

We don't have kids though, so I just roll my eyes and let him get on with flapping.

gannett · 29/04/2025 17:17

Moveoverdarlin · 29/04/2025 16:44

This just sounds like a normal stressy family situation when things are a bit hectic. He’s working. You’re not. One kid off poorly, one is two, you don’t drive, it’s sweltering hot, he’s got back to back calls at work.

If he’s like this for two percent of the time I really wouldn’t worry. Jesus I swear under my breath all the time. It was a misunderstanding and it’s difficult for him as he is working. My husband would be the same. I get it. Young kids are stressful. When one is off ill, the stress ramps up, when one parent HAS to work it ramps up, when the working parent is expected to work and taxi the family it just gets too much. But by tonight all will be well again.

Just normal family life in my opinion. Surely everyone has days like this. I’d think he was a drip if he said ‘don’t worry about my call at 2pm I’ll just hang round the doctors until you’re done darling, let me work around you and only you.’ You both have a lot on your plate, just call each other a fucking idiot, kiss and make up.

This.

It's ironic that people are criticising the husband for being a catastrophiser who blows things out of proportion when that's exactly what they're doing.

Sometimes a stressful situation doesn't need to be medicalised, blame doesn't need to be apportioned, and people's characters don't need to be fixed. We all have flaws and this is his. There are ways to work around it (being more organised, communicating better) but they're not going to put those in practise if it becomes a blame game over whose character flaw is worse.

BlueTitShark · 29/04/2025 17:16

@MattCauthon my mum is the same…. It’s exhausting. I know it’s her high anxiety. And I know she is trying to keep some control over it. But still…
The thing is, having grown up in that environment, I thought it was a normal way to react agd it took me a long time to unlearn that.

@Nunaluna if your dh is like that, then the best you can do is to ignore him and his stress.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 29/04/2025 17:15

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:33

Shudder

sounds awful

and yes i know you’re learning but yet another mumsnetter reliant on her partner to get anywhere!!

Could always get a taxi?

ScrewedByFunding · 29/04/2025 17:14

BlueTitShark · 29/04/2025 17:07

Ok but then HE should have said he can’t do that. And ask the OP if she could maybe take a taxi instead?

The OP isn’t a mind reader.
He should be able to say No if it’s not possible rather than saying yes but guess he meant No.

Show quote history

Well he's not a mind reader either then. She asked him to drop them to the doctors, not wait around, look after ds and drive them home again.... works both ways doesn't it?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/04/2025 17:13

JifNtGif · 29/04/2025 15:41

This is why people need to go back to the office.

ODFOD

ChocolateCinderToffee · 29/04/2025 17:13

JifNtGif · 29/04/2025 15:41

This is why people need to go back to the office.

ODFOD

smellyhouseelf · 29/04/2025 17:13

Rememberthis81 · 29/04/2025 15:33

Shudder

sounds awful

and yes i know you’re learning but yet another mumsnetter reliant on her partner to get anywhere!!

That's unfair. He agreed to the lift. If he'd said he had a meeting and couldn't bring her back, she could have arranged a taxi or other alternative.

5128gap · 29/04/2025 17:08

If you're not going to leave him, then you need to find a way to work around this character flaw, that realistically isn't going to change. This will probably mean letting go of your resentment and accepting he has this fault and that if life is to proceed smoothly, you will have to compensate for it. So, taking today's example, as soon as you knew the appointment time, be crystal clear what his contribution needs to be and get his assurance he is able to do what's required. If he starts to fuss, then I'd be looking for other options such as a taxi. Obviously this is not going to feel fair on you, but people don't tend to change if they are like this, and you are clear you want to stay with him, so I'm not sure what else you can do.

Bernadinetta · 29/04/2025 17:07

What did the doctor say was wrong with DD? Did they give her a prescription?

BlueTitShark · 29/04/2025 17:07

ScrewedByFunding · 29/04/2025 15:45

I think if you're off and he's working, you should have got a taxi and yes, taken ds. This wasn't a 2 person job and if you needed him because you couldn't manage it then you don't sound v capable in an emergency either.

Though I actually wouldn't even class this as an emergency.

Ok but then HE should have said he can’t do that. And ask the OP if she could maybe take a taxi instead?

The OP isn’t a mind reader.
He should be able to say No if it’s not possible rather than saying yes but guess he meant No.

ohyesido · 29/04/2025 17:05

Oh and pay the driving thing no mind. I don’t drive, and I don’t think i ever will. I manage perfectly well without it, but I have a DH who understands that and drives. As do you.

whitewineandsun · 29/04/2025 17:02

You should have booked a taxi. He was at work.

Arcticsway · 29/04/2025 17:02

You both need to communicate more clearly.

You both made incorrect assumptions and expected the other person to read your mind. You thought he ‘knew' that he had to wait and drive you back, he thought you only wanted a lift there. He was working so you needed to be specific and check he had the time to do that. Anyway as you are learning to drive that is one issue you will no longer have.

Funnytaste · 29/04/2025 17:02

Nunaluna · 29/04/2025 16:59

It’s not the changes. He’s fine on holiday, enjoys days out, trips, seeing friends, when he’s not working he’s very flexible and we do things spontaneously.

He’s just very stressy when things go ‘wrong’

Show quote history

As long as holidays, trips out, seeing friends etc go EXACTLY as planned

they rarely do
especially with young children

you have done some seriously convincing of yourself that this is his only problem op

CloudSquirrel · 29/04/2025 17:01

If he had to take you there and back why didn't you just ask him to take her to save the stress of all four of you going? He sounds pretty stressed and you sound like you expect him to know what you are thinking. He could be a complete dick or he could be someone who is stressed and trying to work but keeps being interrupted and isn't handling it very well. You could be completely valid or you could be quite needy and expecting him to drop everything and help you whenever it suits you. We can't really tell OP.