Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

Her stepfather has prioritized his child.

He may not consider his stepdaughter to be equal to his actual children, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a relationship she clearly values and wouldn’t want to lose. There’s a whole spectrum between ‘all’ and ‘nothing’.

One side of the story is true of any thread on here.

My DSF walked me down the aisle at my request. He made a speech with me as both an individual and his DSD, not as his DD. If he, or my DSSs had wanted to keep this role as just between them I would not have had any problem accepting this. He is their Dad after all. I have and will always regard their relationship with him as being of primary importance and would never attempt to get in the way of it, or take that away from them. Nor would my DM have encouraged it.

The father and his DD’s relationship appears to be in tatters, for whatever reason. There are many that I can imagine. He understandably doesn’t want to lose her completely now that he is aware.

From the OP’s posts, his DD has not made any demands. Maybe she was hoping that he would think of her unprompted and talk with her about how she was feeling about everything, before making plans? The fact that this hasn’t happened is perhaps a clue as to why this mess has come about. It doesn’t come across that the adults really took into consideration the three children’s feelings and concerns during their upbringing. If everyone was just being well behaved and polite, this appears to have been enough for them.

Giving in to petty demands is not putting anyone first. There are literally no circumstances in which this demand would be reasonable.

They are invited to the wedding, had bedrooms to stay over as they wished, now come into the OP and their Dad's home for BBQs, are remembered when it comes to drink preferences etc. They are permitted to be rude and to treat family (by marriage) as randoms.
Exclusion and unacceptance is taking place, and will now affect the SD wedding.

The detail in this thread doesn’t change that opinion.

we have one side of a clearly very fractured family story.

a dad who ‘visited’ his two children and took them on holiday while he lived with OP and acted as full time dad to her daughter.

We have one story of a nasty nickname during the teen years. No understanding of what other behaviors were at play. The he daughter using her step dads surname and the son not liking it. The son not thinking for his step mum and step sister as aunt and grandmother to his children (which technically they aren’t and they don’t have the affectionate relationship to assume that).!

clealry the son didn’t and doesn’t accept OP and her daughter.

the daughter clearly also has issues with her playing father at the wedding.

we don’t have anything near a clear picture. Because it’s a single viewpoint of the woman who desperately (and understandably) wants to erase her daughter’s biological father from her life and replace him with other her step dad. Any signaling from the other children to the contrary is a massive problem to her.

There are two sides to every story. And neither will be 100% true

Or you could RTFT.

Or perhaps he has put his biological daughter first for the first time since he got together with the OP. Either could be true, and we just don't know.

What relationship with her stepfather?Doesn't appear she actually has one despite what she apparently thought.
Her step father has rejected her in favour of a foot stamping princess.

OP I expect there are other reasons you may want to leave this man who permits other family to see you and your daughter as 'randoms' despite you being together for years? It's not just the control over the wedding is it, you know her DCs will probably be belittled?
My Step Nan was always just my Nan, she and her family were integrated into my family shortly before I was born when my Grandad married her. DC are taught how to value or not value people around them (and whether to use terms like Btec Betty).

I think you’re reading a hostility in the exes actions that isn’t there. That she’s a ex doesn’t inherently mean she has malicious intentions here, rather that she’s concerned for her daughter and her daughter’s relationship with her father, so she’s given him a head’s up in confidence. I also don’t think it automatically follows that he’s placating his ex rather than been given information that has caused him to change his mind about his role in his stepdaughter’s wedding. He isn’t without agency here.

What would confronting the daughter directly achieve exactly, beyond throwing a stick of dynamite into the situation? Do you imagine it will be all nearly resolved and he can walk his stepdaughter down the aisle with the blessing of his children? Unlikely. She’ll be mad at her mother and brother, her mother and brother will be mad at DH, DH will be mad at OP, and all the built up resentments between the DH, his children, OP and her daughter will come pouring out.

Yeah, happy wedding day, DSD!

That isn’t to say that there aren’t issues that need addressing, but you know, handling a situation delicately and being mindful as to timing is a thing.

It’s not about his Ex. She’s being the shot messenger here.

His picking his child over his wife’s child it’s just that simple.

Both of his children do not accept op or op’s child as family. Both clearly feel rejected / pushed out in favour of op’s child.

The grandchild isn’t op’s grandchild or op’s daughter’s nephew or niece they are “nick name” and “nicknames”. They were upset when op’s daughter used their surname. Apart from the sons 18months due to placement didn’t want to stay over. They called her daughter btec betty an insult to her.

This family never blended. Op is seen as dads wife and dads wife’s daughter.

The daughter is seen as a cuckoo by the children by their reactions to their dad playing dad.

Well thats an interpretation. It seems he cares more about placating his ex than keep an arrangement/promise hes made to his stepdaughter. Which I find odd. If you don't, each to their own.

This thought occurred to me, too. From the later updates it's hard to pin down precisely what is happening here: the only thing that does seem clear is that this whole situation appears very manipulative. It's also been very effective: information and ultimatums being delivered second-hand, DH tying himself in knots to work out exactly what's going on, his wife doing likewise, DH bending over backwards to appease his first family and divisions appearing within his second. Meanwhile SD sits serenely in the background and SD stirs the pot in what seems to be long-established habit. DD simply seems to be collateral.

I've changed my view on this and now think, OP, that having cooled down from your initial talk of divorce and discussed the situation more temporally, you are quite justified in being angry. I have some sympathy for SD's position as the pushed-out daughter, and do see where the posters writing from similar perspectives are coming from. But ex and SD have called the shots in such a way that things have the potential to get really ugly. Sabotaging someone's wedding as part of an elaborate 'pick me' dance is shameful behaviour, as is tanking the relationship between a father and his children. You're standing between these two unenviable positions; having been placed there by DH's ex and his DS with who knows what involvement from his DD.

You can't control what your DH does and I don't think it would be wise to interfere. But your DD is being made to suffer as another innocent party in a situation that's no more her fault than her stepsister's. It's your DH who bears ultimate responsibility for this. It's a mess, and there don't appear to be any clear answers. He clearly intends to capitulate fully to his first family's demands, and on their terms alone. You can only work around this as best you can, and decide for yourself once the dust has settled whether you can move on from this.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position.

Because even as exes they have an amicable relationship, and she did go to him out of concern rather than malice?

Presumably OP doesn’t want this to blow up any more than it has in the weeks leading to her daughter’s wedding.

OP trying to force him to talk to his daughter/ talk to her herself could backfire massively and indeed destroy her own marriage and/or all family relationships completely. Then her daughter’s wedding becomes a miserable occasion and really does get ultimately ruined.

Came to say this, my friend’s mum
walked her down the the aisle recently, was lovely. You walk her down the aisle yourself, doesn’t have to be a man/father figure

I dont get it. What does it matter if the ex told him in confidence. He doesn't owe her anything. He needs to discuss it with the daughter and cut the shit stirring ex off.

Your husband seems to want to avoid all discussion with his daughter. Is he generally so confrontation avoidant or is his SD terrifying? She seems to have everyone trying to placate her while she doesn’t have to do a thing.

I am starting to see why your original post said this could be the end of your marriage if this is a pattern which has been in place for decades.

By no means was I suggesting this as the best course of action, just that someone talking to her directly might be better than no one.

If he bends to this request, there’ll be others down the line. I imagine he won’t be allowed to be called grandad by your daughter’s future children etc.

I don't think OP should wade in. This is a problem within DH's first family, and he should never have accepted a second-hand ultimatum in the first place. Its easy to say that now though, as they clearly caught him on the back foot. We've all been there!

Initially I felt sorry for your DH being put in this position but as you've clarified further, I now think he is being willfully obstructive in refusing to talk to his daughter and I think you are not being at all unreasonable to be seriously pissed off at him. A hell of a lot is being said on her behalf. If this were my daughter I'd want to hear it from the horse's mouth. It seems the stepson is happy enough to pipe up on his own behalf and I think it ridiculous that his sister isn't being given the same opportunity with her father.
If she is not spoken to directly this situation is just going to grow even more arms and legs! Would you consider speaking to her yourself if your DH won't man up and do it?
I think all this betraying confidence stuff is a smokescreen for him just not being prepared to face the confrontation it involves. Ways have been suggested for it not to come across as "your mother/brother said.."

What's wrong with it? It's his child, he doesn't view OP or her daughter as his family. It's his decision, no one else's.