Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

I do think this is a good point. I wonder how deeply this goes and how much resentment there has been over the years.

It’s a horrible situation and I really feel for the OP’s daughter but do feel sorry for his daughter too.

The culprit here seems to be the father who just isn’t managing this.

Was he really a good dad to his own kids? Do they have reason to feel resentful. Children of ‘first’ families often do.

If people ask or make any comments at the wedding about you giving her away and ask why your DH isnt doing it are he and his daughter expecting you and your daughter to lie for them?

I wouldn’t give them the chance to make that decision, uninvited the selfish twats right now and send the message your H has failed to deliver. They are obnoxious, petty and selfish to do this to your daughter.

Its really pathetic of the whole family to do this, your H is the only dad your father has ever known and it doesn’t diminish you step kids’ relationship with their father if he also walks your daughter, but they have chosen to be petty and deprive her for no reason. That coupled with the BTEC betty shows they think you daughter is “less than” so fuck ‘em frankly, they don’t deserve you.

I’d be seriously unimpressed with H too that he didn’t have the balls to stand up to his kids. I think you had it right in your first post @WickedMotherofthebride.

Well the OP doesn't seem to think of his daughter as 'hers' or show any understanding towards her feelings. Why is it only good for one?

If people ask or make any comments at the wedding about you giving her away and ask why your DH isnt doing it are he and his daughter expecting you and your daughter to lie for them?

I didn't use the word vile and I have no idea why you feel the need to go in to bat for some random stranger whom all we know of is immaturity and spitefulness.

If your argument is that we don't know the whole story then you're basically saying Mumsnet is pointless because we literally only get one person's account to comment on here!

Sounds like a you problem.

He took her dd on as a daughter too, she should be considered the same. Not above, just the same. Biology isn’t everything. If he had more bio children she would have had to learn to share him and not be ‘above’ them so I don’t see the difference.
Im not one who thinks step parents have to take on children as their own btw, but you can’t pretend to do so all their life and then deny them at the first hurdle.
I understand the step daughter might have feelings about it, but he needs to be assuring her he loves them both not giving in to it. And she’s an adult who needs to deal with her feelings and not give those ultimatums.
Either way the op’s husband has told his step daughter she’s not his daughter and not as important to him now so it’s done. I doubt their relationship will recover. Personally I would detach from them all.
And she will do it again when it comes to children.

If not “motivated by spite and malice” at the very least selfish, thoughtless and pathetic. Sometimes we all feel unreasonable and uncharitably, it hopefully we’re decent enough people to recognise and call ourselves out before we hurt other innocent people for no good reason.

It’s not ‘ridiculous’, and based on a minuscule snap shot of someone’s life, doesn’t justify you describing a stranger as ‘vile’. I’ve given my life experience, you’ve give yours which is different, and neither of us know what experience growing up that the stepdaughter has had. OP has given us her version of a happy blended family, with no issues when they were growing up - that’s how OP might have perceived it, but it doesn’t make it true. Her husband should always put his daughter first above any none blood relative. Should the marriage with OP break down, it’s pretty likely he won’t have any relationship with OPs daughter at all. Yet his daughter will always be part of his life.

Ah, so he’s only choosing for himself if he does what OP wants. That’s convenient.

OP’s husband was made aware of how his daughter felt, and as a result decided that he wasn’t going to act as father of the bride to his stepdaughter. There was no outcome that would result in everyone being happy, and he chose of his own free will to prioritize his child. He could have chosen differently.

Sharing this experience with her father as his only daughter is clearly deeply meaningful for her, whether you think it should be or not. It’s about her relationship with her father, and while it may result in OP’s daughter being hurt, that does not mean it’s motivated by spite or malice towards her.

A quick update I asked my daughter if I could walk her down the aisle; she wasn’t really keen and said she wanted a traditional wedding, she said when her friend’s mother had walked her friend down the aisle it highlighted that her father was dead and people had become emotional. she felt that it would be giving some weird attention to her biological father who was a loser. I then bottled it and didn’t tell her what had happened. I know I am a coward.

Well last week husband cooked for his daughter at her house as she had a late duty, apparently they chatted away and watched an episode of a comedy on iPlayer that is their ‘thing’. As they were loading the dishwasher she asked him whether he had been asked to do anything for my daughter’s wedding and before he could answer told him that it wasn’t acceptable to her and she would be really hurt and upset. So it’s now out in the open from the horse’s mouth as it were.

He said it was difficult as she didn’t have a father. Stepdaughter asked how he would have felt if her stepfather was alive and she had asked him instead of my husband. She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

I insisted he had to tell my daughter himself which he did yesterday . It was very emotional and they were both crying.

My son-in-law was very good and kept us all calm.

My daughter wanted a man to walk her (please no comments about this) and toyed with my brother in law, or even son- in- law’s dad but at the end I am going to do it.

No more to say but I hope to God my step kids make a decision not to come, stepson said at the beginning that they’re normally away at that time when they were first told but daughter-in-law is pregnant so won’t want to be abroad.

Well yes Where did i say that they should

If the BRIDE - the only innocent person in all of this - doesn’t want the stepsister there, of course she shouldn’t have her there. But that’s HER choice. A grown woman does not need her parents to intervene.

There are people on this thread who have posted that OPs daughter and her stepdad arent family so it doesnt matter if he doesnt give her away.
Yet next min its a different tune gets hummed when its suggested that the SD doesnt come to the wedding. You cant have it both ways

Because he is choosing to bow down to his silly spiteful adult daughter and cares nil about how heartbroken the op daughters is . That’s why !

Which all depends on whether or not the SD is planning to get married. The SDs OH has got some say in that

Ah, so he’s only choosing for himself if he does what OP wants. That’s convenient.

OP’s husband was made aware of how his daughter felt, and as a result decided that he wasn’t going to act as father of the bride to his stepdaughter. There was no outcome that would result in everyone being happy, and he chose of his own free will to prioritize his child. He could have chosen differently.

Sharing this experience with her father as his only daughter is clearly deeply meaningful for her, whether you think it should be or not. It’s about her relationship with her father, and while it may result in OP’s daughter being hurt, that does not mean it’s motivated by spite or malice towards her.

It would not be bowing down it would be logic ! Walking someone to the isle doest take away from his daughter future wedding , if she ever has one . One is common sense the other is feed by being mean and evil

This is awful, I feel for OP and her daughter. DH has backtracked on walking his DSD down the aisle a few months before her wedding, just awful.
His daughter clearly had her own feelings about this but it was not her decision to make or interfere with as it was already decided.
My father walked my cousin down the aisle in the absence of her own father, she asked him and he was honored to do it ,and I was proud that he stepped up on her special day.
This is awful jealous behavior from DH's daughter.

As opposed to bowing down to what OP wants? At what point does he get credited for having his own mind?

It’s not OP’s wedding. It’s up to her daughter to decide if she wants to disinvite them or not, not OP.