Page 4 | Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

WickedMotherofthebride · 2025-04-29T13:00:20+00:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after. For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen. Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son. I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was. My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad. At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died. She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad. Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells. My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't. The wedding is in 18 weeks.

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 16:00

InterIgnis · 19/05/2025 15:57

You’re assuming that the wedding guests would think it was something worth passing comment on, or take issue with his reason for not doing so. Some may, sure, but I can’t imagine it being a big deal for anyone not directly involved.

Even if it is, the judgement of strangers (it doesn’t sound as if the two share social circles) isn’t something that the DD is automatically going to care about.

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Its the hypocrisy i cant stand On this thread its "hes not legally or biologically her father"
Yet in the next breath a stepmum is told "well you knew he had kids when you got with him"

Funny how "the kid isnt legally or biologically mine" doesnt fly when a stepmum posts on the step parents board.

InterIgnis · 19/05/2025 15:57

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:51

Oh come the fuck on. There will highly likely be gossip around the tables at the reception. Im just saying it could get uncomfortable

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You’re assuming that the wedding guests would think it was something worth passing comment on, or take issue with his reason for not doing so. Some may, sure, but I can’t imagine it being a big deal for anyone not directly involved.

Even if it is, the judgement of strangers (it doesn’t sound as if the two share social circles) isn’t something that the DD is automatically going to care about.

CurlySueAndBillToo · 19/05/2025 15:53

I watched my dad walk my step sister down the aisle. Very similar in that he was the only “dad” she had known. She is my father’s SD from his first marriage and was his SD long before i arrived. Sadly my dad passed away before I got to walk down the aisle. For a very brief moment after his death I did feel incredibly resentful to my SS. Her biological father is still alive to this day.

After the grief had passed, I was and still am incredibly proud of my lovely dad who stood up as a man and became a father to a child that wasn’t his, and continued to be after his marriage with SS mum ended. It sounds as though your SD needs to grow up.

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 15:41

CandidRobin · 19/05/2025 01:13

There is no need to lie, if anyone asks they just need to be reminded that OP's husband is not the bride's father either biologically or legally

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And also if OP did do this it would look like shes the one who didnt want her DH walking the bride down the aisle. Whats suggested in this quoted post is not an outright lie but it is covering up for the stepdaughter

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 15:36

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:51

Oh come the fuck on. There will highly likely be gossip around the tables at the reception. Im just saying it could get uncomfortable

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I think you’re the one who needs to “come the fuck on”, dear. I didn’t say there wouldn’t be gossip. I said that most people would have the basic common sense not to actually ask.

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 15:34

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:46

Why would anyone be so crass as to ruin someone elses wedding

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I really don’t think these two points are related.

MrsPeterHarris · 19/05/2025 15:17

I agree @StClabberts & @LunaMay - the only person in the wrong here is the DH / Dad/Stepdad. Sounds like he’s failed everyone involved.

StClabberts · 19/05/2025 14:32

LunaMay · 19/05/2025 12:02

I don't know, i kind of think it was insensitive for the SD to just assume everyone would be alright with this. I've been the DD in this and completely understand the feeling, i loved my Step sister but man it was hard having to share my dad when i only saw him every other weekend and she was there full time and i got no time with my dad because step mother wanted us treated 'the same;.

This is one of the few things that is supposed to be special between a father and daughter and him walking her down the aisle before me would have caused a huge divide 100%

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Yes, I can see that too. It's a difficult position for both girls, and DH is the cause. He seems to have managed a way to fail them both. I can imagine the DSDs version of, for example, her decision not to do overnights with her father looks very different to OPs.

InterIgnis · 19/05/2025 14:32

CandiedPrincess · 19/05/2025 10:54

He said it was difficult as she didn’t have a father. Stepdaughter asked how he would have felt if her stepfather was alive and she had asked him instead of my husband. She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

Your SD sounds like a chump, that's not even remotely the same situation.

I also think she is being a big baby.

And that your DH should have told her that.

Of course it’s analogous. He wouldn’t like her to consider another man her father, and she doesn’t like him considering OP’s daughter to be his. It doesn’t matter if others would be fine with it, him sharing what is considered by a lot of people to be a special father-daughter moment with someone that isn’t his daughter would be hurtful to her.

He could have told her she was being a big baby, but clearly he has more regard for her feelings, and their relationship, than that

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 14:06

Id forgotten about the Btec Betty comments Fucking vile

LookingforMaryPoppins · 19/05/2025 13:57

What a selfish controlling step daughter you have. Your husband has brought your daughter up as a daughter for most of her life, he is her dad and of course she would want him to walk her down the aisle. Your husband needs to man up and nip this in the bud - what demands will be made next.

Genevieva · 19/05/2025 13:54

WickedMotherofthebride · 18/05/2025 16:00

A quick update I asked my daughter if I could walk her down the aisle; she wasn’t really keen and said she wanted a traditional wedding, she said when her friend’s mother had walked her friend down the aisle it highlighted that her father was dead and people had become emotional. she felt that it would be giving some weird attention to her biological father who was a loser. I then bottled it and didn’t tell her what had happened. I know I am a coward.

Well last week husband cooked for his daughter at her house as she had a late duty, apparently they chatted away and watched an episode of a comedy on iPlayer that is their ‘thing’. As they were loading the dishwasher she asked him whether he had been asked to do anything for my daughter’s wedding and before he could answer told him that it wasn’t acceptable to her and she would be really hurt and upset. So it’s now out in the open from the horse’s mouth as it were.

He said it was difficult as she didn’t have a father. Stepdaughter asked how he would have felt if her stepfather was alive and she had asked him instead of my husband. She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

I insisted he had to tell my daughter himself which he did yesterday . It was very emotional and they were both crying.

My son-in-law was very good and kept us all calm.

My daughter wanted a man to walk her (please no comments about this) and toyed with my brother in law, or even son- in- law’s dad but at the end I am going to do it.

No more to say but I hope to God my step kids make a decision not to come, stepson said at the beginning that they’re normally away at that time when they were first told but daughter-in-law is pregnant so won’t want to be abroad.

It’s very sad, but I’m glad you have been able to communicate in a way that has enabled your daughter to reach a decision. I think in the long run she will be very pleased to have had her Mum walk her down the aisle. Your poor husband. I think the suitable reply to his daughter was that if he was dead then he’d be very happy for her stepfather to walk her down the aisle and the thing he’d want most would be for her to have a wonderful day.

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:51

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 13:44

But also, surely no one in real life walks up to a bride and, instead of saying “Congratulations! You look lovely”, says “So Sarah - I noticed Bob didn’t give you away! What’s THAT all about, hmm?”

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Oh come the fuck on. There will highly likely be gossip around the tables at the reception. Im just saying it could get uncomfortable

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:46

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 08:37

Why would anyone be so crass as to ask?

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Why would anyone be so crass as to ruin someone elses wedding

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 13:44

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:29

That might work in MN "we all hate second families land" but in RL i seriously doubt it

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But also, surely no one in real life walks up to a bride and, instead of saying “Congratulations! You look lovely”, says “So Sarah - I noticed Bob didn’t give you away! What’s THAT all about, hmm?”

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:41

Tbrh · 19/05/2025 01:27

This is what I think. I can see why the step daughter has such bitter feelings. At the end of the day, he has prioritised his daughter, just as OP has prioritised hers. I feel very sorry for him being caught in the middle and just trying to do the right thing. The person who should be getting the heat is the shitty biological father!! Also, your daughter is being equally, if not making things more complicated by wanting to be walked down the aisle by a man (yet you don't want anyone to comment about that). You are very biased in your views OP, yet you expect your DH to also have your biased views and let's face it put your daughter above his own. That's very clear from all of your posts

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If you want to give the "shitty biological father" heat you will need a ouija board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:36

Tbrh · 19/05/2025 12:05

I agree. It's total disregard for SD feelings. OPs DD has actually been the one who got to have the father full time and now she's the victim in all of this. Perhaps if she had asked SD first this wouldn't have all blown up.

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How could the OPs DD control what happened when she was a child. I had a friend at school who was in care and whenever i had the usual teenage row with my parents ( mostly DM) i got a lecture about how lucky i was as if i could control where i was growing up and what circumstances i was growing up in. You have just done exactly the same. Blamed the OPs DD for something she couldnt control when she was a child. Its not good optics and not the gotcha you think it is.

JenniferBooth · 19/05/2025 13:29

CandidRobin · 19/05/2025 01:13

There is no need to lie, if anyone asks they just need to be reminded that OP's husband is not the bride's father either biologically or legally

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That might work in MN "we all hate second families land" but in RL i seriously doubt it

Tbrh · 19/05/2025 12:05

LunaMay · 19/05/2025 12:02

I don't know, i kind of think it was insensitive for the SD to just assume everyone would be alright with this. I've been the DD in this and completely understand the feeling, i loved my Step sister but man it was hard having to share my dad when i only saw him every other weekend and she was there full time and i got no time with my dad because step mother wanted us treated 'the same;.

This is one of the few things that is supposed to be special between a father and daughter and him walking her down the aisle before me would have caused a huge divide 100%

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I agree. It's total disregard for SD feelings. OPs DD has actually been the one who got to have the father full time and now she's the victim in all of this. Perhaps if she had asked SD first this wouldn't have all blown up.

LunaMay · 19/05/2025 12:02

StClabberts · 19/05/2025 10:59

Yes, I feel very sorry for DD.

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I don't know, i kind of think it was insensitive for the SD to just assume everyone would be alright with this. I've been the DD in this and completely understand the feeling, i loved my Step sister but man it was hard having to share my dad when i only saw him every other weekend and she was there full time and i got no time with my dad because step mother wanted us treated 'the same;.

This is one of the few things that is supposed to be special between a father and daughter and him walking her down the aisle before me would have caused a huge divide 100%

harriethoyle · 19/05/2025 11:53

Your poor DD. Your SD is a total cow and I hope she is uninvited.

StClabberts · 19/05/2025 10:59

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 10:38

None of which is to say the behaviour of various other parties hasn't been objectionable at times either.

The saddest thing is that the one person who has done absolutely nothing wrong here - the bride - is the one who gets the rawest deal.

Demanding SD has got what she wants. Dad who refused to even make the case for the bride and drama queen OP who threatened divorce will face difficult times over this, but ultimately they’ll get over it (if they have any sense). It’s OP’s daughter who has the shadow hanging over her wedding when all she’s done is ask someone she thinks of as a dad to give her away.

Yes, I feel very sorry for DD.

CandiedPrincess · 19/05/2025 10:54

He said it was difficult as she didn’t have a father. Stepdaughter asked how he would have felt if her stepfather was alive and she had asked him instead of my husband. She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

Your SD sounds like a chump, that's not even remotely the same situation.

I also think she is being a big baby.

And that your DH should have told her that.

InterIgnis · 19/05/2025 10:47

SamDeanCas · 19/05/2025 08:09

Wow your SD is beyond awful, she knows your DD doesn’t have a DF to speak of and she’s willing to pull the emotional manipulation to stop her DF walking your DD down the aisle. Let’s hope she never ends up in a blended family and has to deal with this herself.

im also a bit dissapointed in your DH, I don’t mean you have to make him choose but he’s also pandering to her emotional manipulation, and tbh if she cut contact with him due ti him walking your DF down the aisle, that’s more on her than him.

Ss for inviting them to the wedding, fuck them, I’m petty so would rescind any invite and not want them there!

She’s been honest with him and told him how she feels, and as a result he’s chosen not to hurt his daughter and do something that will break their relationship. He’s not willing to shrug it off with an ‘oh well, that’s on her’ for the sake of ‘pandering’ to his wife stepdaughter (very easy to say when you’re not actually having to face that).

OP’s DD not having a father is not his DD’s fault, and isn’t something she has to put her own feelings aside for.

DontReplyIWillLie · 19/05/2025 10:38

None of which is to say the behaviour of various other parties hasn't been objectionable at times either.

The saddest thing is that the one person who has done absolutely nothing wrong here - the bride - is the one who gets the rawest deal.

Demanding SD has got what she wants. Dad who refused to even make the case for the bride and drama queen OP who threatened divorce will face difficult times over this, but ultimately they’ll get over it (if they have any sense). It’s OP’s daughter who has the shadow hanging over her wedding when all she’s done is ask someone she thinks of as a dad to give her away.