Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

So he should not only be willing to lose his daughter, but actively wash his hands of her?

Hardly realistic.

She’s made aware of how she feels and what her firm point of no return for their relationship is, and now the ball is in his court. She’s not making him do anything.

I assume both daughters are in their twenties/late twenties.

Clearly he needs to have a conversation with his daughter. Her using her mother /his ex-wife from 30 (??) years ago to issue an ultimatum is manipulative and unhealthy. I'd start with that conversation and then have a conversation with your daughter and see where the land lies.

The fact is that his daughter is likely to go no contact anyway, by the sounds of it. So that might be something to bear in mind. But the thoughts of the two grown women who matter here (his daughters) seem to be being facilitated by their mothers, which is not a mature way of handling things.

There is obviously a huge backstory here about your husband’s relationship with his daughter and step daughter and their relationship with each other. Has he been a good dad to his own daughter? Or has he prioritised you and your daughter over her, leaving her feeling pushed out? Something has caused his daughter to feel jealous and not want her dad to do this for your daughter and my guess is there is years worth of issues here.

Have some sympathy with your husband for the awful situation he has been put in and stop threatening divorce for a start.

If his daughter won’t budge, he either needs to call her bluff, or maybe your daughter could take the pressure off and agree to him not doing it. It’s old fashioned anyway and won’t take anything away from her relationship with your husband if he doesn’t do it.

There's a lot more to it than you’re saying and I’m going to bet you won’t be honest here about it, but your response so far is probably quite telling.

That would go for OP too then?

DD of the OPs husband is the problem; DH should not be enabling his DD to blackmail him.

Why on earth can DH not walk both daughters down the aisle if/when their respective times come?

People should wash their hands of people who give them ultimatums.

What has your DD said about his decision? Presumably she has been told? She might understand her step-sister's feelings and offer a solution.

My father was at my wedding but he didn't "give me away". What an archaic incestous thing to do! We're in 2025 and not in the US: your daughter doesn't need anyone to "give her away"- it's ridiculous.

As for stepdaughter she's using this so her dad can prove that he loves her more than your daughter @WickedMotherofthebride. I do think the mother is involved as well.

Please be the bigger person in this and don't play their games. Tell your DH he doesn't have to make a choice; your daughter doesn't want anyone to give her away (talk to your daughter first). Then tell DH to tell his daughter AND the mum that he doesn't have to choose because there is no giving away. That way they haven't "won" their ridiculous game of "show who you love most".

Whilst this is a sad turn of events you are getting massively dramatic

poor man will lose a daughter/ family either way if you get your way

simple solution:

your husband walks her down the aisle and I assume he daughter is not in attendance so won’t know about it

you walk her down the aisle

she walks herself down the aisle

no need for drama , what us the back story why so much hate from daughter ?

She wants to feel special for her father, and have that experience with him, as his only daughter, it would be hurtful to her for her father to demonstrate that he considers his stepdaughter equal to her in his eyes. I imagine there’s quite the backstory here, where his daughter has felt insecure when it comes to his love for her. She’s watched him raise another child, not his own, full time, and her feelings around this are clearly not pleasant ones. That’s the thing - emotions are messy, it’s not an ideal world, and people very often don’t feel what others think they ‘should’.

I don’t think it’s in any way unusual for a child, adult or not, to want to feel uniquely special in the eyes of their parent.

It’s easy to say she’s a brat and he shouldn’t give in to her ultimatum, but that’s assuming she’ll get over it and come around. What if this actually does cost him his relationship with her? Then his wife and stepdaughter become the reason for him losing his own child/ten, which will hardly do wonders for his relationship with either.

I walked myself down he aisle, it was liberating & more honestly reflected who I am. I'd highly recommend.

When you think about it, it's about time everyone did it, the whole being given away thing is really outdated.

There's obviously more to this though. I suspect that you have insisted & prioritized the relationship between your daughter & your husband and have trampled over the feelings of your step daughter. Perhaps it's time to put their feelings above yours and your daughters, at least you'll have some insight into how she has been feeling.

I feel for both the young women here. It's going to be disappointing for your DD if the man she considers her dad can't give her away. OTOH I can completely understand his biological daughter wanting to be the first person he does this for. It must be very hard for her to see her dad so close to another young woman, I'd be very jealous in her position.

I think your DH is right to respect his daughter's wishes. His own child should always come first when possible. Just as your daughter comes first for you.

You are the only person being unreasonable here - threatening to divorce him for prioritising his child. That's crazy. By all accounts he's been a wonderful father and stepdad and you would divorce him over this? I can understand brides and potential bridezillas getting bent out of shape but for the MOB to get worked up over it is out of all proportion.

Walk her down the aisle yourself or have no one walk her down the aisle and no one give her away. She could do the American thing where the bridal party precdes her and she enters on her own. She will still have the special morning at home getting ready with him there and the photos and intimate informal moments without upsetting her stepsister.

You can set the tone for this. If you continue to present this as a great big deal it's going to make it horrible for your daughter and your husband.

My dd has asked us both to walk her down the aisle.

Is your stepdaughter invited to the wedding?

He’s not chosen his DD over his SD - that would be a fair summation if their weddings were on the same day and he had to choose which to walk down the aisle, but that’s not the decision on the table here. It’s not two equivalent options.

The choice is walking his stepdaughter down the aisle vs never seeing his
daughter again.

Of course he’s not willing to do the former when it could lead to the latter.

She is being completely unreasonable, but honestly I think there is a silver lining in this. It's the 21st century, and she shouldn't be being given away by a man.
It should either be you, or both of you, who give her away. Take this opportunity!

It may seem ridiculous , but blended families are difficult to navigate and relationships are complex.
Instead of the Op going full throttle and threatening to divorce her dh, she should probably try and find out exactly why her stepdaughter has an issue with this .
It could be that some sort of compromise could be reached .
Op, sobbing uncontrollably is not likely to help matters

You’re just as bad as her by threatening divorce.

I mean this gently, but he isn’t her dad. He may well have brought her up, he may love her very much and vice versa, but his biological daughter is hurting and she wants that first with her dad. Whether she’s right or wrong is up for debate, but I can understand where she’s coming from.

You don’t know if she’s traumatised. She could just be a spoilt bitch - there’s plenty of them about.

Have you got it the wrong way round?

his biological daughter is not getting married. Long term partner and no plans.

his step daughter, o/p’s daughter, is getting married and the plan is for him to walk her down the aisle.

his biological daughter has now issued an ultimatum that if he walks his stepdaughter down the aisle she’ll will not speak to him again and it’s the end of their relationship.

so obviously now dad wants to back out of walking step dc down the aisle and this is what o/p is upset about.

How much parenting did he do of his bio daughter while he was parenting his stepdaughter? How much time did his bio daughter spend with him in the home he shared with you? Are they at all close?

The tracking your husband while he was speaking with his ex is controlling and weird. It sounds like you don't trust him.

There's not enough info to be a Team Anybody here. It kind of sounds like the families didn't blend, but got mangled and it just keeps on mangling.

But when childhood hurt is rekindled, it often leads to childish reactions. You regress back to that hurt, neglected 9 year old for example and react accordingly.

Childhood trauma is complex. Saying that SD is an adult now and should know better is ueless.

You’re as bad as the stepdaughter by issuing an ultimatum of your own, forcing him to choose between his marriage and his relationship with his daughter.

This man stepped up to help raise your fatherless daughter, and now when he’s scared about permanently losing his biological daughter, his flesh and blood, you’re threatening him with divorce? How manipulative.

Your OP is confusing.

What age was your step daughter when you and your H got married? How much of the time was she with her father at your shared home? What were/are your and your DD’s relationships with her?

You should walk her down the aisle. You have been her constant.

Its shit the ultimatum your SD has put on him, but I think you should walk her down the aisle.

You’ve completely missed out of your op the - why? - which is surely pertinent?