Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

If he lets this ultimatum go it will only be the start of it. What would he do if they were both his bio daughters and one did this? Either she’s his daughter or she’s not. Even if your daughter accepts this she will never see him the same way again. Hopefully your sdd would wake up to herself and realise she was being unreasonable.

Why are you making it all about you?

Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

OP's husband needs to talk to his actual daughter and get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does. Point out that he is the only father figure the OP's daughter has ever had, so who else would she ask to walk her down the aisle?

See if the whole thing can be smoothed over.

If SD is adamant that this will wreck her relationship with her father, maybe the OP would be the best person to walk her daughter down the aisle anyway.

There's no rule that says a bride has to be walked down the aisle or given away by a man.

But @WickedMotherofthebride threatening to divorce your husband over this is an insane overreaction.

This is the very best option, I will read on to hope you do this.

You get people acting like the DD even where the other child in question IS the biological child of the parent. Some people get butt hurt if one of their parents has another child and take it out on that child. Life isn’t always a bed of roses but believe me if having a step sibling or half sibling is the worst of your problems, you have it easy. Some people are just very very selfish and can’t handle it when it’s not all about them. I see it all the time with adults acting like toddlers.

I bet this actually stems from the DD being jealous that the DSD is getting married.

It's very upsetting. I don't even like to use the terms stepmom/stepdad/stepsiblings (I use them for ease of communicating only) because I think it diminishes my actual parents and siblings, I think its offensive someone can get married and suddenly they're just the same as my actual family. Not for me.

No one thinks about any of this "treating them the same" from the children's perspective, just what's convenient for the adults.

Exactly, you’re making a ridiculous drama out a molehill. You don’t get everything you want in this life and sometimes there has to be compromise.
As others have said either walk her down the aisle yourself, or let the bride and groom walk down together, no need for unpleasant arguments or divorce.
i feel sorry for your husband.

So the OPs answer to her step-daughter issuing an ultimatum to DH is to issue her own to him as well? Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Not sure that this is the hill I would want to die on given that we're talking about preserving a patriarchal, misogynistic tradition. There has to be a better alternative as many other posters have suggested.

I walked my daughter down the aisle,her father is dead.I did not “give her away!”,that is outdated and ridiculous.

Stop making ultimatums you will live to regret.You all need to grow up.

Gen Z … wanting everything to be a “first” “special” most importantly “Instagramable”

My Sister walked with me down the aisle , it was lovely

Why don’t you give her away? If your daughter has any sympathy and rationality about her she will understand that it’s not his choice.

I don’t understand why this is so dramatic, upsetting perhaps but marriage ending, not at all.

I don’t have step siblings either, but I’ve seen this. For all that ‘accept them as your own’ is touted as the ideal, there can be negative consequences of that for the stepparent’s actually children, who suddenly are expected to accept that the child/ren of their father’s new partner/wife has/have become equal to them in his eyes. They’re not longer special to him by virtue of being his, any random child (that they may not like at all) can mean just as much to him depending on whether he’s in a relationship with their mother.

I think his dd is being unfair but he feels he has to choose, and that being the case he's chose his biological dd as he should. Surely you could walk her down the aisle, that's what one of my dds says she wants to happen when she gets married.
I think if his dd had got married first it might not have been such a big deal.

Apologies, i was rather confused!
However, i see the bio daughters point and that of DH wh is now in an invidious position, particularly with OP threatening divorce.

Ouch, what a mess. I can see why it would be a shock to find your DH communicating with his behaviour that he is not, in fact, to all intents and purposes DDs dad. And it might take a while to work through all that, but meantime I'd echo other posters in saying why don't you walk her down the aisle?

Yes. OP should not be giving ultimatums if she has (it’s unclear if she has) - I’m not saying OP shouldn’t divorce DH but I am saying OP should not make ultimatums either.

DH needs to grow a spine and not be pushed around. If DH stood his ground he would find out if his DD was worth even knowing - people who give ultimatums and stick to them when they don’t get to bully their way aren’t worth knowing anyway.

How old is your daughter and step daughter?

Firstly, it’s awful that you are making him choose your DD over is own.

You are meant to be supporting him, not acting as petty as his DD.

Secondly, he is not your DDs biological dad, not matter how much you wish he was or whether her own dad is alive or dead.

We cannot give an unbiased opinion without knowing the back story.

Has he been consistently in his own DDs life and has always had a good relationship with her?

Why did her mum speak to him, instead of his own DD?

Do DD and SDD get on well?
I would assume so if SDD has lived in your home for a large proportion of her life.

Part of me thinks his DD is being petty but I can also see why she’d be quite put out with her dad walking someone, who he’s not even related to, down the aisle.

He needs to just speak to them both and then get them to speak to each other about it.

IDipYouDipWeDip · Today 15:05 totally agree.

You have told us that you and your DD had no ongoing relationship with her father, and that your DH had nothing to do with the fact that you weren’t together with your DD’s father.

What your OP says nothing about is your DH’s relationship with his DD, how his first marriage broke down, whether you were involved and what his DD thinks of you/your DD. What is the backstory behind his DD’s unwillingness to have your DH give away your DD? That is the context that would make her reaction unreasonable or not.

you are understandably emotional @WickedMotherofthebride

Your husband loves his daughter, as much, as you love yours.

Many previous posters have highlighted the fact that his daughter didn't have the benefit of his lived-in presence throughout her life. That must have an impact.

You have had a knee jerk reaction, whilst understandable, emotionally, does not warrant you threatening divorce.

Your family dynamic is such that your daughter lost her Dad at 15, your step-daughter still has her Dad.

I suspect that if your step-daughter had already married, there would be no issue.

Personally, it would be far more powerful for you to walk your daughter down the aisle as her only surviving biological parent.

What does your daughter think?

Last thought, please look at the post from @Dracarys1 Today 14:51.

Dry your tears, don't blame your husband, you have better options tbf, it will be a beautiful day, don't spoil it for your girl.

Your daughter is an adult I assume. She is going to the venue to be married of her own free will, not to be given by one bloke to another. It's very normal these days for a bride to walk herself up the aisle and not be "given away". If she feels she would like a companion to assuage her nerves she can walk with you or her head bridesmaid. It doesn't need to be a man! And no one needs to "give" her.

His own daughter sounds tricky but we don't know what is behind that. She might be difficult or she might be genuinely hurt and upset.

Regardless of the reason behind this it’s obviously an emotional thing for his daughter and you’re being entirely unreasonable for telling him you will divorce him if he doesn’t put your DD above his. That’s not helpful.