Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

You need to calm down Op, no matter how great a DF your DH has been to your DD he's shocked and panicking, so you joining in won't help anyone. He needs to talk to his DD, as an adult it's a bit sad she didn't tell him herself, an adult shouldn't be getting her DM to fight her battles, but he needs to hear her side.

It’s hardly a strong relationship if she is prepared to cut him off for walking his DSD down the aisle. He will probably commit some other wrong at some point leading to her cutting him off then. I would never do this to either of my parents so the fact that she’s threatening it shows that she doesn’t care and will likely cut him off soon anyway.

I agree there is a back story but I am not sure we know what it is. The divorce and remarriage, with DH becoming a beloved father figure to a new girl (and actually living with her, to the detriment of DSD) inevitably seen as a rival, is surely part of it.

But absent quite a back story I think the PPs who said this wouldn’t be an issue if the SD had married first may be on to something. If the SD would like to be engaged but isn’t, this wedding could be very painful for her. And if her dad had walked her down the aisle already she might be feeling more generous.

I worry that if this blackmail works it will just be the beginning, but I feel sorry for DH.

Sounds like there’s going to be some huge backstory here where the step daughter resents her father possibly being more of a father to your daughter than to her and she’s using the wedding as a if he acts like her dad then, then his no longer my dad.

It’s not understandable at all. Most people wouldn’t dream of acting like this woman is. As the OP and her DH have been married 22 years, the DD is presumably at least mid 20s and probably older. It’s ridiculous. It sounds like she’s planning on attending the wedding too but she wants to mess it up.

So he does that and finds out that yes, she was indeed serious, and he loses his child/ren as a result.

Then his stepdaughter becomes in his eyes the reason why he’s lost his own children.

Your dd should have asked his dd how she felt about it before she asked him to walk her down the aisle.

I walked both of my daughters down the aisle because their dad couldn't do it. Just step in, do it yourself, support your daughter and have a fabulous time. No need for sobbing and ultimatums and threats of divorce.

He isn't your childs father.
Never has been, never will be.
He has a daughter of his own and she isn't the one you care about as you've made very clear.

Guess your normal tactics of crying and screaming to get your own way are familiar to his real daughter who probably had to grow up enduring it and now resents how much you insisted her real father was taken away to play pretend happy families with this other girl.

You are asking him to throw his own daughter away for your ego and the result of your poor decisions for what?
You wouldn't get between him and his own daughter if you loved him so it can't be that.

You are the evil stepmother in this instance.

Do you even care how much damage you caused his real daughter by thinking you could grab a replacement dad for your child?
It's obviously a lot or she wouldn't feel like this.

But that’s exactly my point.

She needs to speak to her father and he needs to listen to her perspective and vice versa.

Throwing demands around via flying monkeys shouldn’t become a normalised way of getting what you want.

Id be more upset about how she’s handled this rather than the demand if I’m honest (same for the OP).

Good god what an awful position to put him in, my dad is walking my SIL to be down the aisle, her own father is a waste of space. I'm really pleased for them and will be there, probably a little teary eyed, my dad is a lovely man, SIL to be has been with my brother for fifteen years, I'm so pleased he can do this for her.

You should walk her down the isle.
Sounds like a horrible situation for everyone with your husband in the middle.

Yes, it’s not a mature approach but it’s understandable in the circumstances. Whatever happened years ago, OP’s DH effectively was dad to his stepdaughter more than he was to his own DD and she is very bitter about this.

You're going to have to sit down together , OP - you, DH & DD and find a solution. If I was your DD I’d not want my parents’ marriage to end over this. I’d walk myself up the aisle as in the Sound of music…

Your step daughter is being awful and your poor poor husband. But don’t stoop to her level and say you will divorce him, that doesn’t help him at all. Work with him to find a solution

How awful for your DD. The only man she’s ever known as a father is refusing to walk her down the aisle. I’d be heartbroken for her too and not sure I could forgive DH after he’s been allowed the honor of bringing her up as his own. I do wonder what the backstory is here that makes the DD feel the need to issue such an ultimatum.
To all those saying “it’s not important / relevant” nowadays for a Dad to walk his daughter down the aisle, it’s clearly important to OP’s DD. I’m guessing if in future he refused to walk his other DD down the aisle for those reasons (to be consistent), she wouldn’t be happy with that either.

I'm with others who say, you as her mother, could walk WITH her down the aisle. No need to do any giving away as such.
But this whole situation is so sad and I hope you find a reasonable solution.

This

I don’t understand some of these comments.

Your partners daughter seems very immature. What if she had a “full” sister. I reckon the same tantrum would happen.

Your partner is likely to damage his relationship with your daughter forever if he pulls out of this. She sees him as her dad the poor girl.

His bio daughter sounds very spoilt. Why couldn’t she tell him herself.

I would struggle to get over how quickly he dropped your daughter, especially after being the father figure in her life for so long. Backing out like this must be devastating…… had he got a father of the bride speech written? What happens to that?

No solution, but I sympathise, what an awful situation 😓

He needs to talk to his daughter and ask her why she’s so upset about it. His stepdaughter doesn’t have a dad to walk her down the aisle so he’s the next best thing.
He needs to make it clear that doing this doesn’t change anything about his relationship with her (his own daughter) and of course he will be proud to walk her down the aisle if and when that day comes.

Basically, talking to his daughter and making her see sense about this is the key. It’s tricky because he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t destroy their relationship but I’m sure also doesn’t want to let you and your daughter down. However as things stand it’s impossible to do both. Yabu to throw away a (presumably) happy marriage over this, though.

I don’t think the daughter has actually said anything to him? Her mother has said she'll be so upset if he walks his step daughter down the aisle that she won't want to speak to him anymore

That to me sounds like a person who's had years of upset and not being put first, not someone who makes threats and always gets her own way.

Could you give your daughter away? It's as much a break from tradition as her step-dad doing it. Both are a modern adaptation of a tradition.

A lot of people.

Especially when those people’s childhood and relationships with the parent in questions have been damaged to re enforce the ‘he thinks of her/ Loves her just as much as he does his own kids’.

Doesn’t take much to understand that kids can be damaged when their father lives with a child that isn’t his, but pretends is his. Doesn’t take much to understand how that can cause lifetime issues.

I have no idea who is right and who is wrong. Likely a mix of all them at fault. But given Op has jumped straight to ‘I will divorce him’ it suggests this isn’t a happy blended family where everyone gets on.

Truth most people do not see their step kids as exactly the same as their own kids. Especially where they live with some and not others. You can love them all, but for most people it is different. And I imagine very painful to see your dad living with another child that people keep telling you that he loves just as much as he loves you. I imagine that carries well on on to adulthood

What role is your husband’s daughter meant to be playing in the wedding?

The whole point of her ultimatum is that she is making him do something - or rather not do something.

As a parent I see this as an important teachable moment - even for adult children - and I would not be setting a precedent that threats like this (especially delivered to through third parties) yield results without consequences.

They need to talk face to face. She needs to be clear about why this is so important to her.

It may be if that’s fully understood by all, then everyone would be happy to find some sort of compromise.

She in turn needs to consider the ramifications of this demand. Yes, she may “win” but when her time comes, she might want to consider how many people are not thinking about how wonderful she looks, but what that 2 minute walk cost.

I think she’s being unreasonable (as is the OP) but I’m also aware there may be dynamics at play here we are not aware of.

The bigger picture here is does everyone want this wedding to be a happy occasion or the reason for further family fractures?

If I was the OP’s DD I’d walk myself down the aisle before I let my step siblings demand overshadow the day.

I'd have told them ALL to get fucked to be honest. They are putting him in an impossible situation where he can't win whatever he chooses. We haven't heard what OPs DD thinks about it, but if she is also issuing ultimatums, he has to pick between two daughters and a wife who will divorce him if he doesn't side with her. I'd run screaming for the hills and live in peace on my own. I wouldn't want to be around people who would blackmail me into decisions. How hurtful.