Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

Perfect idea right here!

I agree with other posters that it should be you walking your daughter down the aisle rather than her stepfather.

Why ? Can’t he walk both ?

Who walks down the aisle with your daughter is not your decision to make. Your daughter can invite whoever she chooses, and any given individual has the right to decline that invitation. If your DH choice is that he doesn't want to play that role because it would damage another relationship that is important to him, then that is his choice. Butt out.

Your husband married you, as an individual. He has certainly stepped up and been a great dad to your DD but that has also bee his choice, and he gets to choose where the boundaries of that role lie for him, he hasn't taken any vow or signed any legal contract to fully inhabit the role of your daughter's father, and he isn't.

If his decision about where those boundaries lie affect either your own or your daughter's feelings for him, then that's the bit that is under your control. Yes you can both feel hurt by this decision. You may even decide that your feelings are so drastically changed as to not want to be in a relationship with him any more - which many people would think was a massive over-reaction but your feelings are your own, and if that's how you feel then that's it. However - what is NOT reasonable is using this as a threat to him, as an emotional blackmail, or threatening divorce unless he chooses to alienate his own daughter in favour of yours. You can tell him that you and your daughter will be devastated if he doesn't take the father-of-the-bride role - but his own daughter will be devastated if he does, so he's in a no-win scenario. He has to cause emotional devastation to someone he loves either way. Anyone who loves him and is a genuinely good person would want to make this awful dilemma easier for him, not harder. So if you don't love him enough not to care about that, maybe divorce would be a good idea so that he can find a relationship with someone who loves him.

This doesn't make a lot of sense so I'm guessing something is missing here.

Why, after all these years, does his ex care and why does his daughter care? Why did his ex require a special one-on-one conference for this instead of his daughter talking to him? And why did he even go, especially without you?

Were you the other woman who he broke up their home for?

Did he neglect his own daughter in favor of yours?

It seems you want to give the impression that the ex and daughter are simply, inexplicably insane. But that does not seem nearly as likely as there being more to the story here, perhaps something that tarnishes your halo? More information is needed to be able to weigh in usefully.

Leaving all the hyperbole, sobbing and threats aside as they are totally irrelevant.

Your DD's biological father is dead. In that situation - if you want the tradition of a male relative giving the bride away - then it is entirely appropriate that her stepfather steps in. Or an uncle, brother. My mum was given away by her sister's husband as her father had died.

In this situation I think the OP should be the one who gets the honour of walking her daughter down the aisle. The stepfather's ex-wife is clearly ridiculous.

I couldn’t stay with him if he refused , if all these years he has been the dad person and accepted that responsibility to then tell her no it’s shocking ! I hub wouldn’t would his daughter even mind ? What’s their relationship like ?

For goodness sake, sd needs to get over herself. What's the reason for the unreasonable behaviour?

Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.

So your dd is 30 - is his older or younger? Do you have children together that he will or won’t be allowed to walk down the aisle if his dd isn’t already married yet?

his dd sounds like a 3 year old stamping her foot. He IS your dd’s dad too and has been for at least 22years (I’m presuming you didn’t get married immediately after meeting) of course he should walk her down the aisle.

also - wedding in 18 weeks, how long has it been planned?

Although in today's world women shouldn't be "given away" - they're not possessions after all - if your DD really wants to be walked down the aisle why don't you do it OP? You're her blood relation. Your DH could do the speech afterwards to be involved. Does your DD have much of a relationship with her step sister?

Yes, like I said, it's manipulative, and childish and I can't abide that, he's known this girl and for all intents and purposes sounds like he's been her dad for at least 22 years, and the other daughter wants to have a childish strop because he's going to do something as innocuous as walk his step-daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

What's the daughter going to do next, disown him if he's seated at the top table, has a dance with his step daughter?

Gosh I think this is an absolutely horrible ultimatum for his daughter to have given him.
What an awful position he's been put in and how devastating for your daughter who obviously sees him as her father.
I would have been crushed to be in this situation (though my sister is a half sister not step sister so I grew up with her so it wouldn't have happened anyway because both my mum and step dad wouldn't have entertained it) - my step dad walking me down the aisle was so special.

You talk about how you feel about this but really its not about you... how will your daughter feel if he chooses not to walk her down the aisle, is there anything that can be done by him to explain this situation to her that will mitigate the hurt? Was he planning to do the father of the bride speech?
Do you think she will forgive him or understand that he was put in an 'impossible' position?
I imagine he feels his has an obligation to his 'first' children but I think its terribly cruel of them to force him into this situation.

So to solve an ultimatum from his daughter his wife has now given an opposing one?

emotions are high at the moment can your husband meet with his daughter for a meal to discuss things, get to know her feelings and insecurities?

if he talks to her he may be able to understand what is happening

This sums out how I feel also.

You would seriously be prepared to lose your relationship with your own child/ren?

Was the plan for him to walk her down the aisle, or to give her away? Two completely different things.

If I was in this situation as your husband, I would walk your daughter down the aisle, and my biological daughter could go and do whatever manipulative and childish things she wants to do elsewhere, what a spoiled little child.

That being said I don't think you issuing an ultimatum is the right thing to do, just yet, he's being manipulated by his ex and daughter, he doesn't really need you piling on as well.

Your reaction to this situation is unfair. Whatever is going on with your husband’s daughter is complicated and you need to respect he is in a horrible situation. There are probably years of hurt feelings behind this ultimatum.

walking down the aisle is an antiquated tradition that can easily be adjusted. You could walk with your daughter. She could walk alone.

She and her fiancé could do what my husband and I chose and walk down the aisle together as equal partners.

Has he spoken directly with his daughter? I cannot see that in the OP. Has he tried to reach a place of understanding where she is coming from and why? We can all speculate but only she knows the real reason.

'giving away' one daughter doesn't prevent someone doing it for another. It is also not something to end a marriage over. All these ultimatums and threats all over the place are emotionally immature and manipulative. On the face of it, both OP and SD are unreasonable.

You're going to throw your marriage away over this?

I get emotions are running high but be rational. Ask your DH to go and talk to his DD and see where this is coming from.

I don’t think it shows that she doesn’t care at all. I think she fact that this is such a big thing for her shows that she cares very much. I don’t think it’s a ‘threat’ either.

That it may not be a strong relationship doesn’t mean he’s going to be prepared to lose it. She’s his child, and he loves her.

Is the SD invited to the wedding? And if not, why not?

There is much more to this…

Well yes, he has to make a choice. Sometimes people do have to make a choice between two things, rather than being able to have both. That’s life. She’s made him aware of what will happen if he chooses to walk OP’s DD down the aisle, and now it’s up to him.

The person you’re trying to teach is in no way guaranteed to take the lesson you intend. He can refuse her, but is he prepared to live with the consequences of doing so? Given his reaction, I suspect he knows she’s serious. I also suspect that she has considered the ramifications of this.

Yet another thread that proves MN hypocrisy. Step-mums are always told that once they take on a step-child they have to treat them like their own, but here a step-dad is being excused of treatIng his step-dd as his own.

Your poor DH he must feel awful, and you decide to make him feel much worse by giving him an ultimatum- whereby he now absolutely has to choose between you and his DD.

He has not caused this - his DD has. I agree though that it’s an unfair and hugely challenging situation for you and him.

Why can’t you walk her down the aisle?