Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

If he had a daughter with OP that would be his child, so a completely different scenario. OP’s DD isn’t his child.

She doesn’t have to get over anything, and she can and did ‘throw around ultimatums’. Not wanting people to be able to do things you don’t like doesn’t mean they can’t do them, any more than not thinking you should have to face any negative consequences means you can duck them.

Even if she is a ‘spoilt, stroppy madam’, she is his child and he loves her. He is not prepared to lose his relationship with her in order to act as a father to his stepdaughter.

The OP's dh's daughter is being immature and unreasonable. He should walk her down the aisle.

Those are good points. The old, "If you give a mouse a cookie...he'll want" type of behavior is difficult to stop once it starts. They think, it worked once, so I'll keep going, until life is unbearable for everyone except the one making the demands.

I still feel, though, that Mom could walk her down the aisle, both SD and OP can say, "we do" when asked who gives the bride away, and the OP's DH could be the father-of-the-bride for the rest of the evening (dance, toast, etc). I still, also feel, that OP's SD should not be invited to the wedding. Her behavior has already shown what type of person she is, and no one needs that kind of crazy-azzed antics at their wedding.

I doubt ops going to give up the reason but his daughter is clearly very upset and to be a good parent he needs to talk to her about it but honestly I think most parents would put their biological child above another when push comes to shove.

Just like this father wants to put his child above ops when push comes to shove.

Of course they won’t. There will be tears and devastation if they ever call him grandad. If he visits his stepdaughter in hospital after birth, the DD will be heartbroken. I’m quite shocked that people think this is normal behaviour and justified. It’s very much not normal and extremely disturbing/horrible for her to put her dad in that position. It’s clearly being done purely to cause maximum hurt.

Got married 2.5 years ago and it was part of our wedding service, and a proud moment for my parents.

I suspect after this the SD won’t be attending the wedding anyway, so as long as he isn’t walking DD down the aisle then it is none of her business 🤷🏼‍♀️

Obviously he isn’t prepared to live with the consequences of doing that. Feeling righteous about ‘not giving in’ is not worth losing his child for.

It's not ridiculous if it's something OP's daughter genuinely wants. I am a 'modern women' but I still wanted my Dad to walk my down the aisle. Maybe not the 'giving away' part, but definitely the walking part, it was really important to me, it was symbolic of my transition from my unmarried life to my married life, and also the part where my Dad hugged my DH at the top of the aisle felt like him welcome DH into our family. Yes, it's a bit twee and traditional, but it's not ridiculous

Because those are the circumstances. If he chooses to walk his stepdaughter down the aisle, he loses his daughter. He doesn’t get to have both, regardless of whether you think he should be able to.

Why isn’t the stepdaughter performing happy families like you think she should in an ideal world? Because this is the world that is, not the world that ‘should’ be.

He isn’t the father of OP’s DD, biologically or legally. He has chosen his daughter. He’s adamantly told OP that he won’t be walking her daughter down the aisle.

And will just be the start of it . The step daughters kids will never be able to be grandchildren either I bet . I can’t grasp this sort of crap from a adult woman

Lol as if the DD will accept that. And I’m pretty sure a registrar doesn’t ask this (it’s incredibly archaic for a vicar to ask it too).

If your husband's ex pulled a gun on him and threatened to shoot him unless he said he always loved her most, would your reaction be to pull your own gun and threaten to shoot him if he did say it?
That's pretty much what you are doing here. Not attempting to help him find a way out of it, just making it a situation where he can't possibly win.

But what other thing is their man not allowed to do from here ? Will the ops grandchildren be able to call him grandad as a example or only her children , or will he from now on be conditioned by a spoiled adult brat ?

How about you walk her down the aisle, but when the vicar/registrar asks who brings your daughter to be married you both stand with her and say “we do”?

My dad walked me down the aisle, we met my mom at the altar and they both gave me away. My preference

Also those who are suggesting he gives a speech instead - obviously Miss MeMeMe won’t like that either and will be “devastated”. If he gives in to this then I bet you anything he won’t even attend the wedding because she will know that her threats work. He should have calmly shut it down and said “that is ridiculous and it’s a shame that you are prepared to take this drastic action over this but it’s your choice”. And then let her choose. Not given into it. There will be more ultimatums down the line - guaranteed. She sounds very bitter.

There’s definitely a huge backstory here. I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel’s back after many years of being second best to a part-time dad.

Yes….the double standards are quite apparent.

Only one of them is being a brat ? Sorry why does it have to be one or the other ? And why do you think he doesn’t see her a daughter too ? My husband treats his exs son as his own and they had one together , he is treated the same way as his brother is and the same way he now treats my own children his step kids and none of the kids would even bat an eyelid about him doing any expected fatherly duty because they all know they share him and his love . Why is this daughter behaving so badly ? Because if he was a terrible dad then for sure she ou isn’t what him walking her down the aisle either .

If the OP's DD has someone else walk her down the aisle, I do hope OP's DD is smart enough to not invite her "lovely, deranged, mentally unhealthy" step-sister to her wedding. After all, according to many posters here, she isn't REALLY family, so no need to invite her. Avoid her drama and possible temper tantrums and have the stepdaughter/sister stay home.

OP--I would walk your DD down the aisle as I think that's a very special token of how close the two of you are. I wouldn't hold it against your DH, because he is between a rock and a hard place. I would, however, think a lot less of my SD and not bend over backwards for her if the need ever arose.

Would you feel the same if the DH and the OP had had a child together so the DH was actually the child’s biological dad and this stroppy madam issued a similar ultimatum? Because according to Mumsnet, having a second family is also deeply traumatic for children, arguably more so than a stepfamily. The point is that you have to get over it when you are an adult. You can’t simply throw around ultimatums where you want to be the centre of the universe. As a child you don’t dictate how your parents live their lives or how many children they have.

I bet you anything this is jealousy about her not getting married first. Maybe her boyfriend has said he never wants to get married so she is intent on ruining her stepsisters wedding.

On the face of it the stepdaughter is wildly unreasonable.

But symbolic things like this just aren't worth causing so much drama over, let alone threatening divorce.

If he doesn't give the daughter away, take a step back and ask yourself: does that really matter?

What matters is that he loves her and supports her. That's shown in his actions 365 days per year, not in one gesture on one day. What's important is that her marriage is a strong one. Your happiness and her happiness don't rest on a 5-minute ritual.

What is the relationship between your DD and SD like? Perhaps they need to discuss it between themselves.

Could an option be that you and DH walk DD down the aisle together?

Your emotions are not unreasonable, but you have to think about what you can and cannot control and how best to manage what you can control. You, your husband and your daughter can be a team in how you handle this.

1. Your husband hasn’t spoken to his daughter yet. Only her Mum. He needs to keep communications with her open. He needs to hear what her reasoning is and explain why he thinks he should walk his stepdaughter down the aisle.
2. Is stepdaughter coming? I’d assume not if she hates her step sister so much that she would seek to deny her this.

I am now going to suggest another option. Wonderful as her step dad had been to her, he is not her dad. You are her Mum. You should walk her down the aisle. Your husband should be there in the pews waiting for you and looking in proudly at his wife and stepdaughter.

Obviously not.

Very easy to say when you’re not facing it being a reality. This is his daughter, his only daughter, and despite him being in OP’s daughter life for 22 years, she isn’t his child, and he isn’t prepared to lose his own child/ren to walk her down the aisle.

It’s also easy to dismiss this as a childish strop that of course she’ll get over, rather than see it as years of hurt reaching a boiling point.