Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

You’re asking him to choose your daughter over his own. That is abhorrent. Your daughter is not his, as much as you like to think it. You’re clearly a controlling person, tracking him without him knowing and making demands. If you’re making this ultimatum to him then you had better mean it because there is no way he will pick your daughter over his. He will resent you forever if you give him the ultimatum and he decides to stay, but I hope for his sake he chooses his own daughter and leaves.

TBH even if the threat of divorce works, all that would show OP is that he’d rather lose his daughter than her. She is still going to be left with the knowledge that he doesn’t actually consider her daughter to be his, and would choose his own over her.

There’s no ‘win’ there.

This really isn’t worth getting divorced over. You can walk your DD down the aisle and do a speech and anything else that he isn’t ‘allowed’ to do. It’s unfortunate that your SD is such a nasty bitch, but your DH is a nice man who won’t risk losing a relationship with her. I can see why SD’s partner isn’t in a hurry to marry her!

This is exactly the problem. Either you want stepparents to treat stepchildren as their own or you don't. Or is it only stepmothers who must do this in the forms if their time, labour and money?

If SD has been raised to believe that she is the centre of the universe a little less we might not have this problem.

Did she ask for her parents to divorce? No. Did she like It? Maybe not. But many many MANY worse things happen in life, teaching some resilience is always a good idea.

I think part of the reason this poll is so split is because we don’t really know what the SD’s reasoning is.

Thats because even her DH doesn’t really know. He’s just got his ex and his son’s interpretation of her perspective.

Rather than get pissed at the pub his first act should have been to speak with her directly.

Is this really an all or nothing situation?

Has he considered if he agrees to this then he will be on the back foot about other arrangements such as where he sits in the church? At the top table for the reception etc?

Is it just this one thing that’s important to her or a prerequisite for a tsunami of further demands down the line - not just about the wedding but control over many aspects of his life?

No-one (aside from the SD who appears to have done nothing wrong) is coming out of this well.

The DH needs to be a parent and speak to his child to understand her feelings, try and find a solution (not at the bottom of a pint glass) and make clear that ultimatums will not be tolerated - that adults talk things through and try find common ground.

The OP needs to apologise to her DH for behaving as poorly as her SD in making threats and also speak to her DD (once she knows what the issues actually are) about the best way to proceed without drama and make sure this does not overshadow the wedding day.

She isn’t a ‘first child’, she’s his only daughter. Of course she wants to feel like she means more to him than someone who isn’t his child.

No way is the Op new to mumsnet

No. Way!

This is a seasoned mumsnetter

You walk her down the aisle. That’s what I’ll be doing

I wouldn’t start threatening divorce either way op, you can’t force and coerce the outcome you want. That’s just emotional blackmail. Talk calmly about the aspects he might be willing to do to mark his role in your DDs wedding? He could give a speech, either in the church or at the reception - he could meet her at the alter. There are many things he can do -

I totally agree. This is what happens when you make first-family children special and precious because their parents have divorced. OP's daughter is not a new addition, and her SD is a grown up. She may have some feelings about the subject but I'd let her get on with it. And perhaps someone should have shut down this nonsense several years ago.

I think the SD has a touch of jealousy. My thinking is that she's a bit put out that her dad gets to walk his SD down the aisle before her. She's in a LTR but there is no marriage on the horizon for her. I wonder if she would have taken the same stance if she was already married?

No, I said no such thing. I don’t get to decide any more than you do what someone else ‘has’ to do. That isn’t up to me.

How petty the stepdaughter and mum are behaving like brat's. Don't divorce him over this.

OP you sound as spiteful as his daughter and your husband has been placed in this shit sandwich by the pair of you.

Good luck with the divorce

But you do agree that in the second scenario, the DD would have to get over it and put her feelings about abandonment to one side? So her feelings don’t trump all.

What on earth is the back story to this? Like if your marriage is 22 years going, presumably the daughter is at more than 22. I guess it sometimes happens, but did his daughter who accepted and loved your daughter since they were babies/young kids, just turned round and said " Although I have loved you and shared my dad with you for 20 years, I now hate you, and don't ever want my dad to do anything Dad like for you again." Before worrying about whether he does or doesn't walk your daughter down the isle, you need to try and figure out what is happening and why.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable tbh. His daughter is cold and wrong to spring this so late in the day. My mum walked me down the aisle.

No, he isn’t. He is neither legally nor biologically her father, and when push came to shove he chose his actual child.

Yes, a scenario in which he had to choose between two of his children would be completely different.

It's a lot of drama about things that aren't happening yet.

I would forget about it, personally. Your husbands ex and his daughter sound very controlling and bitter.

Why can't you give your daughter away? Not sure what the rules are but that's what I would do. By that time, things might have changed anyway.

I'd divorce him over this. His daughter is acting disgracefully 💐

Church ceremony. I didn’t feel like chattel but rather someone who has been loved and cared for by my parents and was now starting a new chapter. The ceremony of it was lovely, my mom cried and the vicar then did a sermon based around Star Wars.

Weddings can be whatever the bride and groom choose

He is her father. Just not biologically. But he has raised her and been there for her.
And you say it’s completely different if it was his biological daughter but surely her hurt/pain would be the same, maybe even greater? But that would be a scenario where she would be expected to get over it (rightly so). I also think she should get over this.

Absolutely this. That's a horrible ultimatum, OP. He's inadvertently been forced into the middle of an impossible situation and has done nothing wrong here.

Don't ever face someone down with an ultimatum like this unless you are prepared for the outcome not to be the one you would choose. It's never a wise course of action.

Aside from anything else, the custom of a woman being 'walked' down the aisle by a man is very outdated and harks back to a time when women were handed over like chattels from one man to another. The idea of her mum walking with her is a lovely one and not a cheap compromise at all.

Think carefully about your actions: they could lead to a lot of unhappiness for you as well as others.

I’ve voted YABU because you’re asking your DH to do something that will fracture his relationship with his daughter. You’re asking him to choose you over her. If your daughter asked the equivalent of you, would you choose him and risk losing her? I’m not saying her behaviour is reasonable, although as others have said there are reasons why she might feel as she does, but him putting his foot down isn’t going to help change her mind. He does need to speak to her instead of just accepting the information via a third party, there may be more nuances to the situation. However, giving him an ultimatum isn’t reasonable either. Of course you’re hurting for your daughter, but he is also hurting for his. Pull together rather than apart, don’t make the choice to let it destroy your family.

At a civil ceremony? In church you can opt not to have that but I guess some people do but I’d prefer not to be referred to as a chattel. My friend went full on tradwife at her wedding and promised to obey her husband despite that part being removed from the vows 100 years ago and they had to ask the vicar specifically to include them.