Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

That’s tough I’m not a fan of threats but this could change his relationship with his dd forever
id try to fix this for him rather than make it harder. Don’t force him to choose just because his dd is

Without really knowing the whole story or context of the relationships it’s hard to say what’s wrong or right.

My first reaction is wow how could someone be so cruel, this person hasn’t had a relationship with her Dad and he has now passed. Then I wander what kind of relationship the daughter has had with her own Dad, maybe she feels already pushed out or has had to share her Dad with someone that got him most of the time. Maybe this is important to her.

I think you can easily walk her down the aisle as a middle ground. It’s sad terribly sad but there seems to be a missing side to the story and without that context & what the relationship is like.

Waiting for one hell of a backstory to drop…

FWIW I find it pretty disturbing that you tracked his whereabouts and your go-to threat is divorce.

Unless there is a huge backstory then his daughter is behaving in a disgusting way. My husband isn't my daughter's biological dad but I have no doubt he will walk them down the aisle when the time comes, if his daughter tried to tell him he wasn't "allowed" then I wouldn't necessarily make him do it but I would absolutely cut the SD from my life, she wouldn't be welcome in my house ever again.

You must have an already rubbish marriage if you would divorce your husband over this, you are being ridiculous and hysterical. It’s a bit sad he’s been given this ultimatum, and very disappointing and unfair, but to react the way that you have (sobbing uncontrollably) shows such emotional immaturity. You need to grow up,

Firstly your husband needs to actually have an adult conversation with his daughter. Receiving information second and third hand, is never good and isn't always accurate either. Giving your husband an ultimatum, makes you as bad as his daughter, and it won't resolve the situation at all. How is your daughter's relationship with his daughter? Do they get along? Do they merely tolerate each other? Or can they not stand each other? Is your step-daughter in the habit of behaving in this way and making demands? I wonder if this is simply jealousy. Your step-daughter is in a relationship but marriage is not on the cards yet. She wanted to be the first to marry and therefore would be the first to have her Dad walk her down the aisle. She sees your daughter as having taken her thunder, and denied her those firsts, so she's kicking up a stink out of jealousy. Your husband needs to be aware that this jealousy could continue in the future. Your daughter becomes pregnant first, and that leads to resentment, as no doubt she'd want him to be 'Grandad'. His daughter won't like it and will stamp her feet, in jealousy. You can't live your lives on egg shells.

I’d walk her down the aisle myself!

My parents aren’t divorced, so that’s helpful.

I don’t need to either justify or condemn it. It is what it is, and my liking or disliking it means fuck all. Of course it’s his choice, but it’s a choice that comes with consequences, and he’s chosen that he’d rather ‘pander’ to his daughter and live with the consequences of not walking his stepdaughter down the aisle, than doing so and losing his child.

I do think if o/p’s dd had her own bio father still alive it would be different.

however the kids father is dead. Surely sd has some empathy?

she can’t find it in herself to allow someone with no father of her own to have her wedding day? It will likely mean a lot to her, and will make bugger all difference if the dd gets married eventually, it’s not like he can only do one.

I’d come down on my kids like a ton of bricks if they behaved like this.

No, this is what happens when you become a full time parent to someone else's child and your actual children who you only see at weekends feel like they're been replaced and you love this other child more.

This entire situation is because the daughter doesn't feel special or precious to her father, she's had to share everything with OP's daughter, and wants one thing that's just between them.

Firstly there is going to be a back story to this

no doubt the op is imagining it up now!

I think you need to calm down and think of a solution that fits everyone. how about you and him walk her down the aisle. I ended up with my mum, step dad and brother!! there are no rules you know

Firstly there is going to be a back story to this

Secondly the daughter hasn't shared this information the Exwife has ... its abit unfair to call the daughter bratty and selfish when she's not said anything.. no demands from her directly... maybe she confided a feeling to her mum and brother and they have broken her confidence by telling the dad

The dad needs to speak to his daughter as she may have been feeling second best for a while but said nothing until this came to light and her mum has wrongly taken it upon herself to share her daughters 'devastation,

You shouldn't be threatening her dad with divorce just because this wouldn't suit you

This is disgusting behaviour and you're justifying it because her parents are divorced. End of. It. Does. Not. Make. You. Special.

Her dad could walk the neighbour's milkman's cousin down the aisle and it would be HIS choice.

If you kick off like this because you don't like your parents' behaviour when you are an adult, that's on you. No one else needs to pander to it.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can't you walk her down the aisle? Threatening to divorce your husband for something that has been put unreasonably on him and is easily solvable seems crazy if you love him. Him bending to his biological daughter's seemingly unreasonable demands is probably upsetting for your duaghter, but it doesn't mean he loves her less, he is just being put in an awful position. Please walk her down the aisle and make a wonderful statement for mothers everywhere.

Exactly!

There are some weak-willed parents and entitled children around- beggars belief.

Then he is not worthy of his role and the op should send him his way together with his spoiled brat of a daughter .vile behaviour from him and the brat

No, he isn’t. He assumed that role to a degree, but when put in a position where he has had to choose, he chose his child.

Biology is, and always has been, important for the vast majority of people. Not wanting it to be won’t change this.

I don’t want or expect that from stepparents at all, regardless of sex. I think those expectations are harmful in the majority of cases.

And again, regardless of whether you think she’s justified or not, what you think she ‘should’ be is not what she is, what you think she ‘should’ feel is not how she feels. The situation is what it is, not what it ‘should’ be, and he’s had to decide between walking his stepdaughter down and aisle and losing his daughter. However bratty or flawed or awful she may or may not be, that’s his daughter, and he’s not prepared to lose her.

I wouldn't be held to any ultimatum by anyone. I would definitely remove the go-between mother and speak directly to my daughter, if at all possible

He is her father and behaved as such according to op until now . Why is biology so important to some 🙄

What a horrible situation. I haven't voted, as YANBU to be horribly upset by this ultimatum, but YABU to issue one of your own.

Do your DSD and DD have a relationship? Would DD have a chat with DSD and explain why she has asked your DH to walk her down the aisle? It may be that DSD isn't the one who is pushing this agenda, and faced with the reality of her step-sister reminding her that her own DF is dead, feels differently.

Has DSD been invited to the wedding?

I understand why you're so upset, but it appears from your description that your DH is just as upset, so I wouldn't go round threatening to divorce him, it sounds like he's on your side but in an impossible situation.

His daughter is being a bit unreasonable, but maybe she has some issues that need discussing.
The idea that you would divorce your husband if he doesn't do what you want is absolutely ridiculous.

He needs to get a backbone and call the daughters bluff and say ok if you want to be nasty and cut me off just because I'm a loving step father, go ahead, but that also means no money or inheritance from me as my will will be reflecting your decision to cut me out of your life.