Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

OP, please tell us this bitch of a step-daughter is not invited to your daughter’s wedding?

Personally, I am baffled why anyone thinks DH is relegating his own DD to a lower status by simply walking the fatherless woman, he has helped raise, down the aisle.

Again, I really hope the OP's daughter uninvites the noxious SD and sibling.

The excuses trotted out over the feelings of the SD are stretches at best. This is about spite and exerting complete control over part of an event they wish to sabotage.

If either of my daughters behaved like this I would laugh and suggest they take themselves off for a proper think. However, I am certain that they aren't capable of this level of malice over what is, just a nice gesture.

I hope your daughter has a beautiful wedding day 💜

The rest of the world doesn’t share any singular viewpoint, and what is normal in your social circle is in no way normal for everyone. I genuinely do not know anyone irl that would bat an eyelid at this, but then the whole ‘must treat them as your own’ ethos is not something I’ve readily encountered in step families either.

Exactly this, that's why this thread has me baffled. DH is expected to put his SD above his own daughter. This has never been suggested on any other thread I've seen.

Peopel will notice , off course they will , hopefully they won’t say anything in the day but there will be gossip about it so personally I think op should just be honest with anyone asking . Why lie ? It’s DH and DSD who are in the wrong

I find it funny that hypocrisy was mentioned earlier because that was thought too but in a different way.

I cannot count the number of times I have seen women here tell other women that you do not have to love your stepchildren, only treat them with care and respect. Most certainly I have seen many, MANY posters say that no matter how much they care or even love their step kids, it is not comparable to what they feel for their own...which I suppose is natural and understandable.

So WHY is it such a shock that a man might feel the same way about his own child?

And how can people not see that the SD's request, selfish as it may seem on the surface, is so much bigger than about who walks who down the aisle? Just think about it? How painful it must be to see your parent be a full-time parent to another child, to have that other child living full-time in what may have been your home while you are now an occasional guest. That sounds incredibly painful and yes, this is not an ideal way of dealing with those old hurts and resentments but it seemed like neither adult put in the work back then to truly sort these issues.

It's so obvious even from OP's biased account that OP's husband put more energy and time into his new family, whilst hardly prioritising his own children. And where was OP in treating her stepkids as her own when they didn't even want to spend the night at their father's house and none of the adults really tried to understand why or fix this?

I do feel sorry for the DD and if were her, I'd probably have spoken to my SS first but this is just another example of how blended families are not always as happy as they appear to be.

I honestly don't know anyone in RL who would care about this at all. The only thing I've ever thought was a bit different was when I saw someone walk down the aisle with their dog, but even that was sweet in its own way. Although I was worried the dog would dirty her dress 😳

I think its lovely too, But im merely pointing out that the rest of the world doesnt think the same way that MN feminists do Im simply being realistic

Exactly this, he was a great step dad, but doesn't sound like he was a very good father. At least for once it sounds likes he's put his biological daughter first. OPs so upset that he's not treating her daughter as an equal, yet she's never treated his daughter as equal, not even close. It's sad how many people have no empathy towards the stepdaughter and can't see why she might feel selfish, hurt and bitter

What sort of losers would care enough to notice this, let alone gossip about it 🤨 If there are any thoughts, it will be how lovely that her mother walked her down the aisle, I'm surprised this wasn't DDs first option

This isn't the same because your step sister was older than you, and presumably you lived with him growing up, so she didn't replace you in any way.

OPs stepchildren only saw their dad once a week for a meal out, and had to watch him raise another girl. That's horrible for a child.

While her current request comes across as unreasonable, it seems to be rooted in not being prioritized by DH while she was growing up. Her request is selfish, but it seems like she has been feeling replaced by OP’s DD and this is her way of drawing a line in the sand for her dad. Him serving as father of the bride to another girl seems to be the final straw for her.

DH and OP should have fixed things when DH’s children refused to stay at his home after he married OP. Instead of fixing the relationship with his own children and continuing to put their needs first, he put more focus on building a new family with OP and her DD. As one of only two consenting adults in the formation of the relationship, OP should have pushed her DH to fix things with his kids. The selfishness of the adults has led to DH’s DD making a selfish request and OP’s DD having her feelings hurt.

All of our takes on this situation are clouded by our own life experiences. It can be difficult for people who grew up in families where all of their needs were met to understand the hurt of watching your parents put another person’s child ahead of them to the point where they feel replaced by the other child. DH’s DD’s feelings seem unreasonable because they can’t fathom feeling replaced by their parents.

Unfortunately, I can relate to DH’s DD. Both of my parents were focused on making sure they considered my step siblings equal to their own children. My step parents made sure their children came first. I grew up as an outsider in my family. One parent ended up divorced again, realized their mistake and put in the work to rebuild a relationship with me. I have tried to work it out with my other parent, but they refuse to change. They admit that it’s wrong for me to be treated as less than my step siblings but refuse to do anything to change this. As a result, I’ve distanced myself and by extension my children from them. I didn’t give an ultimatum like DH’s DD. I just backed away from the relationship and let them have their “new” family without me.

Your step daughter sounds very immature and selfish. She needs to get a grip and realise the world doesn’t revolve around her.

You're rightfully thinking of your daughter's feelings over your SD and your husband is rightfully doing the same for his daughter. Your SD has the right to feel how she feels.
It's obvious the blending of families was not successful and I feel you're being very hard on your SD.

You just know that when babies start to arrive the step daughter will be demanding that her father isn’t called grandad

What kind of people do you associate with? Seriously, elevate your company. OP is her mother. It's totally appropriate that she accompanies her daughter down the aisle.

I actually think it makes more sense for her mum walking her down the aisle than her stepdad, I don't think anyone would think anything of it

I think everyone is being unfair to your husband here. Ask your daughter if you can walk her. Yes his daughter is being insane but it’s not fair to make him lose her. You and your daughter can be the bigger people and make his life easier and happier.

She said it was putting my daughter on the same level as her. I am devastated by that comment.

Why are you so devastated by this? Surely it’s natural? Do you put your DD and your SD on the same level? Clearly not because you are prioritising your own DD’s feelings over your SD’s.

Why is it ok for you to prioritise your own flesh and blood but not ok for your SD to want her DF to do the same?

I have a stepdad who moved in with us and had a daughter a similar age to me. It has never occurred to me that I would be as important to him as his own daughter. He loves me, I’m sure, but not in the same way he loves her obviously. And I would expect him to put her feelings above mine. I’d have quite a low opinion of him if he didn’t.

I think your husband’s daughter’s feelings are valid and it’s understandable that he prioritised his own daughter’s feelings over your own.

Well no, he can’t. That option isn’t on the table in this situation.

I personally don’t think it’s entitled to want her father to save special father-daughter moments for her as his only daughter. She made a good point when she said that he would have a problem with her considering her stepfather to be her father and having those moments with him, so why would she be expected to be okay with this?

You can dismiss her as a big baby as much as you like, her father however isn’t going to. She’s his daughter - her feelings matter to him, as does his relationship with her. She isn’t obliged to feel and act in the way OP and others think she ‘should’, and nor is she going to.

Given that the OP is now walking her daughter down the aisle, I honestly think most people would just think “Awwh, that’s nice - she’s asked her mum” rather than jumping to a family fallout.

@InterIgnis She IS being a big baby. It's not like him walking his stepdaughter down the aisle takes anything away from her. She sounds immature and entitled. He could walk both down, it makes no difference whatsoever. It doesn't prevent her from having her "special moment" with her dad at all.

It’s only hypocrisy if it’s the same people saying both things.

I don’t think stepmothers have to assume responsibility for, or act as parents to, their stepchildren either, and have said exactly that on many a thread.